Stop enabling my daughter, please.

oohhh. I am right there with you. I have had to deal with this on several occasions. This is what I would do. First as soon as I saw where things were going, I would immediately go up to my ds/dd and say, "Now you know that we talked about this. We talked about you making sure to spend time with your friends as they are here to see you as well." Then I would pick them right up out of the person's arms and smile at the person sweetly and say something along the lines of, "she/ he is just so excited that you are here.." and then take ds or dd to spend time with their friends. At that time, you could mention quietly that you will be having another chat once the party is over. Then you don't have to deal with the "mean mom" look from everyone and you can wait until the party is over before having that sit-down talk about how you know exactly what was really going on. The other thing I do is I usually pull birthmom aside and kind of give her a run down of what is going on with the kids and what we are trying to do to make a healthy environment for them. I know it is hard to find a positive angle at times like that, but if you can, it will take away some of the stress of the party and at least get you through the party. I would definitely have a little chat before the party about what you are expecting and clinging to, hanging on or asking to be picked up, etc...is 100% not acceptable. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes!! ((hugs))

Well, I put it in my child's hands. Before the guests arrive, or before we arrive where I anticipate a problem like what you're describing (which is almost everywhere, for us), I get ds aside and make the limits very, very clear. Then I make the consequences very, very clear. I warn him that if the lap-sitting, clinging, excessive hugging, baby-acting routine becomes evident, he can prepare to be embarrassed in front of his audience. Then I follow through if he pushes me. So far, this works for us. Trying to explain it to your guests most likely will not work, because they will never understand. To them, it's JUST SO CUTE!! (Ugh!) and you'll just be the "mean mama".

Mine does it to. I found out at summer camp she had the teenage kids carrying her around. At gymastics camp she had them convinced she couldn't take OFF her shoes w/o help. I only found out because our babysitter took her one morning and the counselor was trying to be helpful to our babysitter told her that Alissa needed help with her shoes. Our babysitter has been with us since the beginning and has been through lots of training - so she looked at dd and said, "really, ___ take off your shoes." dd looked at her - then the counselor and sat down and took off her shoes, carried them to her cubby and came back to check in. The babysitter told me the counselor was just dumbfounded. We worry about kindergarten next year because she manipulates everyone and rides every rule just over the edge to see what you will do. Good luck - I think you handled it great. My mom who teaches has handled it by telling the senior level person that "in this day and age, you can't really be having all of this hugging and lap sitting. Someone could get upset and parents might complain. It isn't fair to your staffers. So you should give high fives and no lap sitting." Typically that statement is enough to get people thinking so that it doesn't happen AND it isn't attributed to your child.

I know this thread started in the summer....but I just read it.... I'm amazed that camps and VBS allow staffers to carry kids? I guess living in CA the sue capitol of the world and in this day and age, every year the week before VBS starts there is always a conference with all the teen staffers and adults about the appropriate ways to interact with children....while this is more due to avoidance of impropriety and to avoid allegations of a sexual nature these are the rules we HAVE to follow via our church and church conference rules. Appropriate interactions: a. High five b. if hugs, side hugs NOT front hugs c. verbal praise d. If leading a preschool or kinder group from station to station, may hold hand of the first child in line... Innappropriate interactions: a. Carrying children...even the preschoolers b. lap sitting c. frontal hugs d. No hand holding e. no gift giving unless counselor buys for the whole clan. (appropriate gifts include stickers, pencils, bracelets) f. No horseplay While this is more to avoid allegations of sexual misconduct, maybe this could be a list to be shared when the summer rolls around???? that way you can kill two birds with one stone....avoiding allegations AND this may help with RAD children not manipulating for attention. I was almost placed with a 5 year old before her match fell through and then L came, but any "monkeying around....holding by any staffers" would have irritated me as well.

I just printed out your list to go over w/ A's kindergarten teacher, who seems to think it's OK that parent helpers hug the kids, let them sit on their laps, etc. We've had a lot of problems w/ this since school started.

I hope it helps....in this day and age with children of all backgrounds I can't see how some of these bahaviors go on between 'strangers'.....Yes I know they are the homeroom parents, but they still are strangers.

Thanks for all the helpful replies. Thankfully, school is not a problem as far as the baby stuff goes. First graders are expected to act like 6 and 7 year olds :D Everyone at church knows us now and some have caught B in manipulation games so they understand better why we are so strict with her. Thank God for great Children's Pastors! The battle ground is now narrowed down to the birth family who we have spoken to already but they refuse to comply. I don't want to stop seeing them because there are so many positives to the relationship. I think some of you are right that this has to be addressed with my kids and I am going to have to start giving consequences when it happens. Their big brother is the biggest challenge because he says he understands but does it when we are not looking. He has gone to the store with us twice and both times he picked the kids up and put them in the shopping cart. I took them right out and said "They are way too big for me to push around." Not to mention the fact that I have 2 two year olds that DO NEED to ride in the cart! On the first visit he even went as far as to go and get another cart and said he would push them. My DH just flat out told him "NO, they walk!" (and I must admit that it bothers me that my kids just let him pick them up and put them in and don't say a word! REALLY, it doesn't embarrass them to ride in there like a toddler?? My son is EIGHT now for goodess sake!) The party went relatively ok. DS did want to only hang out with big brother and gave me a hard time when I made him join the party (but he eventually did it with a good attitude). DD was very quiet and kept going off by herself until the birth family left and then she joined right in screaming, laughing and being a kid. I think she was trying to play the "sad card" with grandma. I handled that by telling her right in front of grandma that if she was too tired to play, she could lay down for a little while! hehehe:rolleyes: Miraculous recovery! It amazes me how they revert back to their old ways when they are around the birth family. In an instant they are 4 and 5 again. Will that ever get better? Is it up to my kids or something that the birth family has to do differently? Overall though, things are getting better. Vast improvement from last years bday party! I cried when that one was over! It was chaos. They acted like...hate to say it but...like animals. I am very proud of how far they have come.:clap:

What I've seen from my daughter, and what I'm picking up from what so many are saying, is that these kids just don't perceive the world the same way we do. I was positively mortified that only one person had RSVP'd for my daughter's birthday party as of last week so I sent out a reminder email. That prompted 3 more to respond that they wouldn't be attending. With the party scheduled for Sunday, as of Thursday afternoon there was only going to be one friend attending. I managed to get one of my friends to bring her daughter and late Friday another of my daughter's friends was added to the list. All weekend I was worried about how my daughter would feel when she found out that only 3 friends would be at her party. I would have been devastated, heartbroken, felt rejected for all eternity. When Sunday rolled around and we pulled up to the location all she cared about was that she was having a party, there was cake, there were arcade games, and she had some friends to play with. I wish I could be so easy going about things like that. My guess is that until they're healed they'll always revert back to old behavior patterns when they're with their birth family. Those are, after all, the people responsible for those behavior patterns developing in the first place. Your kids' response to what's familiar is in grained in them. Since I don't know the circumstances involved I find myself wondering if seeing their birth family is as good for them as you say. Only you can really make that call though. It does, at the very least, give you a barometer by which to judge the kids' progress since the last visit.

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One thing that has helped me with some, (not all) of the enablers, is to enlist them as help. I will pretend to ask them for advice on how to help my son act more his age. I will explain to them that I am worried because his friends think he is a baby and he doesn't understand why they don't want to play with him, and doesn't understand why acting like a baby makes other kids not want to be his friend. I also explain that I want him to be independant some day so I have to start now, slowly teaching him the skills he will one day need. As I said, it helps with some people.

Attachment.org has a great letter for you to give the children's teacher to explain RAD and the 'do's and don'ts. I use it every year. I have no problem embarrassing my RAD child (only one of the two stillhas some issues) in front of others when she is acting inappropriate. You just have to learn to ignore everyone else. As far as VBS, sunday school, sports and any camps go, I find out who will be in charge of her before it starts. I pull them aside and give them a very brief overview of RAD and what L might do/not do and how/why I need them to react. If I do not think the leader is receptive I simply request a different one. RAD was explained to our family and close friends in the very beginning and we set very firm ground rules. I did not even allow anyone to get anything for themn b/c needed the children to see us as the parents and in control (ie they had to ask us for everything including food, drink, take off shoes, etc). Had to remind people often in the beginning, but did it gently. Once they became attached, we eased up on a lot, but not lap sitting, carrying etc.

I tried this approach with the grands and got nowhere. They think this "attatchment stuff" is a bunch of "psychobabble" and there is nothing wrong with a child not wanting to "grow up too fast". They told me that I had plenty of time to work on independance and that I should just let them be little while it lasts. Kids grow up too fast these days anyway. etc I wanted to say: "With all due respect, both of your children are homeless drug addicts who can't function is society." But, instead I just started decreasing contact.;) My inlaws are the type of people who think they know everything. They make lovely comments like "Oh I guess every kid has to have some kind of disorder these days." So basically, they think I am full of crap. And, of course, they refuse to babysit my kids because they are too much of a handfull! :grr: But let's all pretend there is nothing wrong with them!

If I didn't know better, I would think we were related. :) My family is the same way. My husband's family is wonderful, thankfully. I found that doesn't work on my family as well. So, with them, I have pretty much accepted that I will be thought of as the mean mama. At one point, I had enough, and told them that if they thought they could do a better job, they were more than welcome to adopt a child with RAD and then we could talk about how to raise the child. Not one of my better moments, I will admit, but you wouldn't believe how quickly they stopped offering their unwanted opinions. I left more than one family gathering early due to them stating to me that I was being too strict and not letting them be a kid.

Uh, how frustrating. I wouldn't feel badly at all for saying something to them. If their child had an illness or disorder you wouldn't bad mouth their choices in treatment would you? Boundaries are fine and so is making sure no one sabotages your efforts to help your child heal. Support is what we lack the most in our lives right now. I really don't think my inlaws get that at all. It is not that they don't WANT to help, it is just that they really don't have a clue but think they do!;)

I keep hearing how my elderly grandmother is concerned that I am getting burned out and how 2 kids can be too much for some people......:grr: as if it is just having 2 kids that is the challenge. And of course, whenever I say it has nothing to do with the number of children, but the challenges that they, and in turn we, are facing on a daily basis....all I get is that all kids do that. I think I am slowly getting through to some of them, because now, 4 years later, they are seeing that these phases are not going away.