Well...I was right

I'm so sorry she's done this. She said you could write her, so I'm wondering if maybe Brenda isn't right? Facebook=direct contact with your daughter, and no more having to go through her other mother? It also might make a future face to face easier if you two could talk/get to know each other without going through her other mother. Keep the faith...it will happen.

Am I remembering correctly that your daughter is now an adult?And your daughter wants contact through writing, according to her mom? And her mom thinks writing is the correct mode?If I am understanding this correctly, then seriously consider sending her a Facebook friend request with a message attached to it. Then the ball is in your daughter's court and she can truly set the pace.Good luck.

Brown, I'm sorry your fears were warrented. I'm with the others... Facebook sounds like a good idea although I'd use messages and not write on her "wall" for Mom to see.

Browneyes-- How old is your daughter? If I remember correctly.. she just turned 18? (I could be totally off, please correct me!) I would tread *very* carefully here. If your daughters mother is already floundering when you discuss contacting your daughter with her involvement, how do you think she is going to react if you do it behind her back? Your daughter will undoubtedly tell her about your facebook message..and it might ruin any sort of alliance you might have formed with her mother. Frankly it sounds like you are being the more reasonable one in this situation, but if you are including the adoptive mother in your plans for reunion, and she is *still* resisting- I think going behind her back could be disastrous. Does your daughter still live with her parents? Is she still financially dependent on them? What kind of repercussions would this have for your daughter, especially if she does choose to have a relationship with you despite her mothers objections (or interference)? I think that if your daughter is over 18 years of age, the decision should be left up to her. Her mother should have given her your contact information, as well as her blessing, and left it at that. If you do decide to contact her, I would keep it very very brief, telling your daughter that you wanted to personally extend an invitation to get to know one another, and that if she isn't ready (as her mother claims) you will leave her your contact information and she can approach you when she does feel ready. I agree that this seems to be the only way for your daughter and you to have a fair shot at a reunion without the interference of her (presumably well meaning) parents. But I would just be careful... If something sets off her adoptive parents, it might make things 1000 times more complicated. I'm sorry for all this complication :(. I hope your daughters parents can wise up and see the great relationship that you could have with your daughter... It sucks that they feel it is their place to interfere....

Just for the record, I am not suggesting going behind the mother's back. By all means, you can let the mom know that you agree that a written communication between the daughter and you is good and that you have sent the daughter a message . I'm for being straightforward AND not asking for permission anymore - but doing so kindly. The daughter can then decide if she wants to respond. It can be up to her but she will have a means (thru facebook) to get a hold of you without her mother's permission either.You could wait until the fall when she is out of her parents' house if that would give the girl more "room."As an adoptee it would drive me crazy to have these people constantly going back and forth without a direct means myself.

To clarify, yes my DD is 18. She told her mom that I can send her a Facebook message but in her moms opinion she feels DD cannot handle that. I am going to write DD a message since I was not told NOT to. It's not going behind her back if she was the one who brought it up, she must be aware on some level that I am going to contact her especially since I've asked if I can contact her. But I will tread lightly and just let her know that I'm open to getting to know her directly. She can take it or leave it, it's really ok if she isn't ready. But at least I can get the answer purely from her and not through her moms filter. I would hate to think she told her mom I could write her and have her expecting to hear from me and not following through KWIM? I'm more disappointed on how it went down. I can handle her not being ready, I can't handle having to track people down to get the truth especially after having smoke blown up my patootie!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that all goes well. FB sounds like a good place for the two of you to start getting to know each other without Amom in the middle. Your DD is getting her info from Amom. Your getting info from Amom. It's all a bit confusing always getting information second hand. FB might be what feels safest for your DD? Your DD did say you could contact her via FB. Nothing wrong with saying hello. Good luck, and keeping you in my thoughts.

(((Brown))) It's just all SO hard!!! I'd do the FB thing as well...

And it shouldn't have to be. Brown, I'm sorry you are going through this. In most cases, I feel that our kids are not these fragile flowers that will fall apart over contact, especially if it is done respectfully as you are doing. I think it is more about the amom's fears in your case. And if you did contact your daughter and she was "not ready for it" despite indicating she'd like to communicate through FB, I think she would be able to work through the emotions without coming completely undone. I don't understand nowadays all this "protection" from the challenges of life. I agree with your plan to contact her directly through FB, give her your contact info, let her know you'll go at her pace and will respect her boundaries in this (I'm sure you'd approach it this way no matter what), and hope for the best. At least you'll hear it from her directly if she is not ready and don't have to wonder what is really going on.

Oh, Brown, how awful! I'm so sorry. =/

I would contact your daughter directly and see if she responds. When my son turned 18 I wrote him a letter. I never heard anything from him for 9 months. It was driving me crazy wondering if his parents intercepted the letter of if he just wasn't ready to have contact with me. I sent my hubby to where my son works one day. Hubby was able to meet my son and asked him if he had received my letter. My son said he had received my letter but wasn't ready for contact yet. He said he knew that I loved him and placed him because I wanted him to have a better life than I could provide. He wanted my hubby to tell me that he had wonderful parents and a great life and he was OK. I was disappointed that he did not want to meet me but I was so relieved knowing it was him making that decision and not his adoptive parents. I think you will feel better once you hear your daughter's decision about contact directly from her no matter what the decision is too. I hope her adoptive mom is wrong and you do get to meet her though. Good luck and keep us posted.

Brown - you KNOW this infuriates me to no end.... It's the way amom is inserting herself into the situation, and being inconsitent to boot, that really gets me. SHE has really initiated all of this. The visit. That NOW she thinks isn't a good idea. The contact. That NOW she thinks DD isn't ready for even though she says she is. I just wish that she had erred on the side of DD not being ready instead of showing you this marvelous version of what could be, only to say that it shouldn't be that way. I know you and I KNOW you'll follow DD's lead on this. And I'm really happy that soon it will be DD's lead for you to follow. Not the confusing and inconsistent version of events that her Mom is sending. ((((((hugs))))))

Very valid point! Which also leads me to think that perhaps it isnt your daughter who isn't ready for this..but its her!

Exactly TG and Amanda!!! I was floored when she first suggested that we meet, I thought it was ambitious, but it was in advance of her 18th, so I thought she'd be prepping DD to be "ready" so to speak, through talks and communication. Supposedly, she's talked to DD several times about this, and the results seemed positive! I understand DD changing her mind. Panicking at the last minute. But neither of those scenarios were mentioned. Instead, I got ignored e-mails and a lot of "I'm so busy, can't think about this now!" Then her mom admitted she was afraid.... understandable! But we were still on. Now within a month, we aren't because in her words, she knows DD isn't ready. Even though DD is OK with message contact, her mom doubts that. If she would have answered me or called me when I asked her to, I'd have a better taste in her mouth. But we'll see soon enough! I sent a message to DD! :woohoo: And one to her mom, letting her know that I understand about postponing a meeting, but I was glad DD wants to hear from me so I sent her a message. I wanted to be on the "up and up", I know her mom thinks she is just being cautious and she's been open and honest and respectful. To not send her a message would be disrespectful to the years we kept in touch,and to DD. I know there is a chance that she will try to intercept or discourage DD, but there was an even greater chance that if I didn't, her mom would be even more upset and I don't think DD would want that. Wish me luck!!

Sorry to get to this so late. I am without words. I really hate this!!! Hope you get a response from DD. (((HUGS)))