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[FONT=Verdana]Yesterday was the first day back from vacation and we were tired and jet lagged and stopped for a snack in Dunkin Donuts in between errands. We sat next to a couple of elderly white ladies that Ive seen around the neighborhood for years and who I say hello to when we pass. One lady commented on how big Liana is getting, blah blah blah. I smiled and made some chatter. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]She asked if Liana knows that she is ғa-d-o-p-t-e-d and I assured her that she does. Ok. So she is from another generation, with different attitudes. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]She goes on to tell us that she adopted a little boy who is now 46 years old, and asked if Liana would like to see his picture. I was delighted, and I tried to draw Liana into the conversation, explaining that this lady had adopted a little boy just like I had adopted Liana. Liana looked at the pictures of the middle aged man, rather unimpressed. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]The lady went on to say that he is only ԓhalf Mexican but that he looks ԓall Mexican ԓbut that he is the nicest guy. ԓOne of my nicest kids, it turns out, she says, with sort of a tsk at the end. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]The other woman asked about my husband, and I explained that I am single. She asked if that is allowed, and the first woman assured her single women can adopt. Then conversation gets odder. The mom who adopted the little boy who is now a 46 year old man explains authoritatively to her friend: [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]ԓEveryone is going to ask her why she didnt adopt a white baby, but she couldnҒt adopt a white baby. You have to have both a mother and a father for a white baby. And you have to be rich. Its really hard to adopt a white baby.Ҕ [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]I sat in stunned silence. And silence is not my default mode. Liana, who will be 4 this month, seemed to be half listening, but mostly eating. Soon we said goodbye and went back to running our errands. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]I feel like I dont want to bring up the discussion with Liana, to see what she understood and what she didnҒt understand. I think/hope she wasnt listening. But I keep running the conversation over again and again in my mind, and IҒm not sure. It struck me on so many levels and I can't seem to let go of it. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Thoughts?[/FONT]
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Quesita, Welcome to my era...sorry you had to have the conversation. I think you might want to ask some around about questions to see what your daughter took in. I only say that because of my experience so take it for what it is worth. I was always spoken to in the most positive accepted ways but as a small child I also overheard many conversations in the church hallways about so and so is pregnant and not married or she isn't married and the children are illegitimate and so on and so forth - I completely understood what they were talking about and that I also qualified to be part of that gossip...and I was about the same age as your little one and without mom and dad ensuring that I knew I was acceptable just because I was me it would have worried me no end. Kind regards,Dickons
Sorry you had to go through that, Quesita. I'm sure it's harder when your child is old enough to understand and question such things...we have a ways to go, but not long before DD reaches the same age.
Generational gap aside, I'd still have been upset.
Years ago, when researching agencies, we met in Massachusetts with a CC woman who ran an agency out of her home. She had pics of her family on the wall - CC parents, a biracial (CC/AA) daughter and a biracial (CC/H) son, both adopted.
We didn't end up going with her agency for many very good reasons, but the thing that struck us the most was when she said:" Our son is only half-Mexican. You can't even tell. Only other Mexicans have any idea."
Um...even a blind man could see that the child was Mexican, believe me. I was surprised that he was mixed.
so i had a similar situation this weekend. my mom, myself and dd (age 5) were out to eat. when nana and dd went to potty the woman next to us said-"she's adopted?" yes-answered all the questions like-from guatemala. yes, she's my daughter, not granddaughter (im 46). i've had her since a baby, blah, blah, blah. her comment- "interesting".
dd walked up when she was asking how long she'd been with me. i have always tried to follow up with her after these things happen. not sure what she heard. should i just sit down and say, people are going to ask about us because your skin is different than mine? just to prep her that we've hit that time in our lives that she's much more aware?
Well darn it! We make a decent income, and have a Mommy AND a Daddy...I had no idea we qualified for one of those pristine white babies...glad I know for next time. Then again I could adopt a baby that is Mexican and hope they would still be nice? Well that's tempting too...hmmm choices, choices... :woohoo:
Moron.
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I would definitely ask your daughter what she heard especially since you were too stunned to reply. If she did hear the whole conversation, she may take your lack of reply as agreement.
I would say something like " did you hear what that lady said about adopting babies"? if your daughter says yes, you can discuss it with her. If she says no, I would still say something like "Well, that lady was talking about adopting babies of different skin color and mommy wants you to know that I could have adopted a baby of any skin color and I chose you because I was always meant to be your mommy and you're the most beautiful little girl ever".
I'm sure you know your daughter better than anyone so you'll know what's right to say. I just wouldn't let it slide because you don't want to find out 10 years from now that your daughter always thought you would have adopted a "white" baby if you could have.
Talk to your DD about it. You just never know what she got out of that conversation. I always do damage control after interactions like that because I don't want my kids getting the wrong idea. I didn't realize how vigiliant I was about it until the last couple of weeks. There's a family on our street that has "issues" and DS told me on the weekend that they were ignorant. My kids are 5 years old and I always cleaned up any comments or conversation that could be perceived in a negative light by them. Ignorance is not knowing and kids can get a really good grasp of that concept. And yes I did explain it's bad manners to call someone ignorant. LOL!
aclee
Well darn it! We make a decent income, and have a Mommy AND a Daddy...I had no idea we qualified for one of those pristine white babies...glad I know for next time. Then again I could adopt a baby that is Mexican and hope they would still be nice? Well that's tempting too...hmmm choices, choices... :woohoo:
Moron.
Wow, how uncomfortable. :-( I would just do a quick check to see how much she understood and just reiterate that she was the one you always wanted. :-)Oh and aclee's funny comment :-) I turned down a perfectly good white baby (um, I was on vacation)....how dumb am I???? (tee hee!) so glad I did.I always find that if I get questions like that, I just come back with, these are the kids God wanted me to have and I am so blessed. :-)
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Thank you everyone for your feedback. I guess I do need to ask her what she heard and what she understood. I just feel like there are so many big things going on in her life right now (just got back from vacation, jetlagged, sleeping schedule off, Monday night she wept and wept about missing her aunt and uncle, new school starts tomorrow) that I feel like ANOTHER big thing to talk about is just something I don't want on my plate. But she is a bright kid, and if I don't check in with her, and answer any questions or concerns that she has, she will start to fill in the blanks herself. I keep thinking about the 46 year old man in the pictures that the woman keeps in her wallet.
Well I did check in with her last night, and as I suspected, all she heard was blah blah blah boring adult stuff. At a few weeks short of her 4th birthday, Liana knows a little about race, but not racism. I've tried to instill in her a pride of being an indigenous person, (specifically Mayan Mam) and she goes back and forth between being interested in indigenous/Mayan themes and being bored. She proudly announces that she is from Guatemala, in a community of recent immigrants in which almost everyone is "from" somewhere. She was delighted to look at a globe and find Guatemala, along with her teacher Ms. Dina, who shares her brown skin and strong Mayan features, while Ms Dina showed Liana El Salvador, her country of origin. Liana advises me that I should put on more sunscreen, because I don't have "nice brown skin" like she does, and that I can get sunburn more easily. I've tried to bring up race in terms of her friends a number of times, but she is not particularly interested in the theme. Liana is living in that brief moment of innocence in which race is really irrelevant. I will mourn that loss of that innocence soon. But the conversation in Dunkin Donuts was not the moment in which she became aware of the fact that there are those who are sorting humanity into racial categories, and assigning assumptions based on those categories.