Who DOESN'T want to meet their biological mother?

Nicole, I am not sure you want my answer based on your first question but then your additional comments some what countered that. It is not right or wrong to want or not want to meet any family of birth. It is up to each individual based on what they feel - we are all unique and have different feelings on a wide variety of subjects let alone something as personal as adoption. My father does not want to meet me - his choice but I am hurt that he will not provide me any annonymous family medical history which is the only thing I requested through a CI because my doctors asked me to...but again, it is his choice even though I provided my diagnosis for his children and their children because my disease has been found to run in families and can prove fatal. But it is what it is... I also think that there is a difference between having a conversation or meeting someone and having a relationship - sometimes that is not clearly communicated in posts on a forum. I personally would loved to have the chance to hear my story and leave it at that with either parent but that is a long way from having a relationship. Kind regards,Dickons

Yes, it should be left up to the individual. But then I either get "Well, you shouldn't want to meet them or find them; it'd be so offensive to your parents you know?" OR the "Why wouldn't you want to meet bio relatives? If you had the opportunity, it'd be foolish not to!"

Nicole, I don't have a clue which bmoms you're referring to. Has someone on the boards given you a hard time because you don't want a relationship with your biological mother? I don't recall the thread in which that happened -- could you direct me to it? Personally, I don't have any problem at all with adoptees who have no desire to reunite with their natural mothers. I do have a problem, however, with natural mothers not being willing to meet with their grown children at least once...if that is what the adopted person requests.

I don't know Nicole, maybe it's that people have a difficult time distinguishing the need for some kind of biological connection, and wanting a relationship with what they deem as our, or a, missing mommy and daddy? Does that make sense?

Lots of people have commented, some indirectly, about my lack of desire to meet my biological mother [and I've seen it on other people's posts, too] but I am just speaking in general I suppose - - I happen to know two women who relinquished in the eighties and both found it offensive when I said I'd probably pass up the opportunity to communicate with my biological mother. Even one who said she didn't think she wanted to be in contact with the son she relinquished! I too think that biological mothers should be willing to provide information [within reason] to an adult adoptee at some point...but then, some people say well, you can't have it both ways, then the adoptee should be willing to do the same, etc.

If an adopted person only wants his or her family medical history and social/ethnic background...if he or she is really adamant about not wanting a relationship with their bmom or even meeting her, I have been known to advise them to go through a Confidential Intermediary, rather than direct contact. It just seems more humane to me, for some reason. I have known several adopted persons who didn't want relationships with their bmoms, and yet they wanted one visit to see the woman who gave birth to them. As long as that's spelled out ahead of time in a letter or email, I think that approach is fine and doable. As far as your biological mother not being registered on any reunion registries, there is always the possibility that she's caught between a rock and a hard place -- many natural mothers are. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've sat in a CUB meeting, listening to the argument of who has the right to search first. Many, many bmoms don't feel that they have any right to initiate a search. I've heard many adoptees fighting over the same issue -- many of them say that bmoms have no right to intrude on their lives by contacting them; others feel deep emotional pain that no one is actively looking for them. A rock and a hard place....

Nicole - everyone has an opinion on what the adoptee should do or not do. But it only boils down to what is right for you. I do take offense on the "it'd be so offensive to your parents you know" comments - but only because I know mine wouldn't both by their words and actions - petioned the court for my records and searched and found my sisters mother - because they were interested in OUR BEST INTERESTS not theirs PLUS they were/are secure in our relationships and knew/know it takes nothing from them so for anyone tell me it would be offensive to my parents does not fly with me...but I do have relatives who by their words tell me they think it is... Adoption is complicated and the best we can do is to be true to ourselves, morals, and ethics, and live our life with empathy and without regrets for our actions. Never allow yourself to be backed into something that is not good for you from either side of the argument. Only you have to live with your choices. Kind regards,Dickons

I can only share my own opinion and emotions as a bmom. Like many others, I didn't feel I had the right to search although I wanted him to be able to find me if he wanted. He on the other hand felt I should be looking for him. I have always been open to whatever contact/relationships he wants. I am pleased that he does want a relationship but if he hadn't I could have had peace just knowing he was alive and well. I have always been open to providing whatever information he wants. I do believe that all adoptees should be able to get medical information at the very least. (Trust me, what I knew of my medical history at 21 was much more limited than what I know now.) I must admit, if I had a magic wand I'd arrange so that adoptees who want to know their bparents are matched with bparents who want to know their bchildren, etc.

When I started searching I thought it was for medical reasons and as I found little bits of information, I became more and more curious as to who my biological parents were. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions though I'd be kidding if I said I truly understood people who don't want to know the ins and outs of their conception, birth and relinquishment. Thought I don't know all the details, I know a bit, and the bits I know have allowed some shifts. The medical stuff has been partly helpful - well finding out that I need to be mindful of diabetes, gout (especially as I love steak, balsamic vinegar, diet coke, wine & tomatoes) and heart risks is never nice but I suppose that at least gives me the opportunity to manage the risk rather than have a nasty surprise. Only you know all the facts, wants and needs so only you are qualified to make that decision. Definitely am with Dickons who finds the "it must be so offensive to your parents" statements offensive.

This thread took me back. When I first started my search, I desperately wanted medical information and some "answers" to the burning questions of a lifetime. I was so surprised by my desire to meet and know my birth family. And by all the emotions that went with that.I am not implying that this is the case for others. Simply that I was so taken off guard by how much I cared.

I realize I may be out of line posting on adoptee thread as an AP, so please, if I am feel free to delete... Kathy (Kakheul?) You said.... My sons' birthMother and I have had this conversation (and thankfully - we are both on the same page). Her life in the last 8 years (EIGHT) has moved in a great direction. She recently (married now, with a child) said that she would like see them again and have them meet their "sort of" sister. We started with a plan. We were saving the money and planning the date, and then. Well, the parenting part started, and their personalities developed. I talked about adoption with the boys (have not been as diligent with the girl, but working on that) from the beginning - but somewhere around 4 (about the time the girl was born hmmmm) they quit wanting me to talk about it - but at 5, and 6, and 7 - things come into our lives (newspaper articles, a story at school etc.) and they are comfortable asking questions and do. So I answer them. They have asked me if they will ever meet her, I tell them, yes, when you are ready (and I mean REALLY read - and when we can afford the trip). So far - and I recognize that they are ONLY 8, they just shrug and say o.k. They have the barebones of their "story". And, I'm sure as they learn more about the world and biology....they will have more. And if they want to meet - or don't want to meet, their birthmother (I hope they do, I really like her!) it's up to them. MY fear is that 1 will and 1 won't - I hope it is a bridge I don't have to cross, but when I do, guess we'll all do it together. oh - and the medical stuff - great thing about an open adoption, when genetic (or potentially genetic) stuff happens, we are told. Generally after the fact, which is, of course, completely understandable. Edited to Add: They have seen pictures of her, pictures of her holding each of them, pictures of me/her and them, and finally even a picture of their birthfather - although, for some reason I can't get them to understand that no, they aren't divorced, they were never married into their heads. Whoops. My "how do you get to be a daddy" answer from when they were 2 seriously took hold.

MkMw, Don't worry too much over whether one or both will want the same thing - they will figure it out and most likely respect the others decision if they want different things...just being open to conversations is what they need most from you about it...Funny how I never was confused on the married thing perhaps it was my era where that was the reason for surrendering... The medical history - that is one of the many reasons open is better than closed - some will never be impacted by the loss - some will be impacted for life and no one knows who will be impacted because you can be healthy one day and then not. Really pleased you are keeping track of everything because it is become more and more important with the new discoveries related to genetic risks. Kind regards,Dickons

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