new here pregnant and am making an adoption plan

crick...everyone is telling me that, one thing at a time, one day at a time. i am by nature a worry-wort so i worry obsessively about things. i'm only 4 months from my due date now and do not like making big decisions in a pinch. this especially, would not be a good decision to make at the last minute.our priority has, and most likely always will be, our son's needs, much to the dismay of our 9 yr old daughter who's kinda feeling pushed aside...NOT our intention and we do everything we can to involve her in things but how much can you involve one child in the care/needs of another? i enlist her help around the house as much as possible so she feels needed and her work done for or with me is appreciated but sometimes it seems it's still not enough for her so...what else can we do?

For your daughter, she probably wants to be cherished in her own right, to feel as much of a priority to you as your son. That is how DD2 felt when our world seemed to be revolving around DD3's special needs. DD1 went her own way and we were losing her to overscheduling/activities. DD2 was simply neglected. There came a time when we just had to let some of what DD3 needed go and focus more on DD2. Everybody benefited when things came into better balance. A giant step back from the situation mentally and emotionally helped us to gain a realistic perspective on how our family was (not) functioning. That isn't always possible, I know, but when I realized that two were paying the price for one, we re-aligned our priorities.

we're doing everything we can, honest to god we are. i just hope she doesnt hate us (or her little brother) later on down the line.

You are a trooper to make an adoption plan. It really does sound like it will be the right thing for your family. If you would like to consider a family where your baby would still be the third child let me know! We would love to be in your plans for the future. [url=http://lindsayandtomadopt.homestead.com/]Lindsay and Tom[/url]

since i posted last on the 5th, i've spoken with our adoption counselor with the agency we were working with. she actually called to tell us she had a portfolio ready of the family they found. i told her that we'd decided to see if we can get our son the help he needs before placing this baby up for adoption. we've seen a pediatric neurologist and they put my son on some medication to try to calm him down a little. FINALLY someone has taken the 1st step in actually treating my son's issues and not just going "sorry, we cant do anything for you." now i'm more optimistic about this. i think i'm leaning more towards keeping this baby after all but i have to keep reminding myself that we need to see improvements in our son before we decide for sure.

Good Luck and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

I am so happy to hear that your son was to see a neurologist.....I can hear some "relief" in your typing :loveyou: I do not have advice but just wanted to let you know that I have a special needs son that I am raising and I chose an adoption plan for my second child (16+ years ago). At times, I felt/feel like an elastic band being pulled in two directions ...at any moment ready to snap. With neither direction a guarentee of ...well, anything really. Sending a big hug.

I can only imagine the damage to your daughter if her baby sibling was given away and especially connecting it to her special needs sibling as the reason. I think your daughter will really enjoy having her new sibling in her life and family!! I think she will blossom;~))

Prior to being a SAHM, I worked with special needs children. I am a Behavioral Therapist and Consultant. I'm not sure what your child's diagnosis is, but I am well connected with special needs communities throughout the U.S. and would love to give you some ideas or connect you with specialists and support groups in your area. I am glad to hear that you have found a pediatric neurologist that is ready to work with you and your child. Good luck on this journey and feel free to PM me; I would love to help you and your family if I can!

Hi again, A few things I wanted to tell you about open adoption... No, it's no legally binding in most instances, and yes there are some relationships between adoptive and birth families that diminsh over the years. But I just wanted to reassure you that there are MANY adoptive parents that realize that an open adoption is what is best for the child. And there are many of us that absoluley love our child's birthparents and would never do anything to shut them out or hurt them. Sometimes when I read these posts it makes me sad that adoptive parents are talked about like these cold hearted monsters that just lie and do whatever they need to, to "buy" a baby and then we run the other way once the baby is adopted with no regard for the baby or the birth parents. :( My youngest son is adopted and I love his birthmom like a sister. Her rights were terminated in June...7 months later and I have not moved to another country or changed my name, or went running. None of it was a big bad evil lie to get the baby and then run. We "agreed" to a few visits per year but we ended up having about a dozen visits last year. I send her 20-30 some pictures every month. When my son does something sweet, cute, funny I can't wait to tell her and share that with her. This relationship is like that because we love her, and we know it's what is best for our son. PERIOD. It wasn't some lie we conjured up to get a baby. Believe it or not --lots of adoptive parents truely love their children's birthparents, and like hanging out with them. GASP! And I have friends who have adopted who feel the same way. And some who are very sad that their children's birth parents have vanished, won't return calls etc. because they WANT an open adoption. That said...my advice to ANY woman considering adoption is to sit down with as many families as you can. Talk to them. See what they are like. Ask them WHY they want an open adoption. Pick their brain, GRILL them. Most likley you will get a sense of what they are like. Don't hold back. Seriously. If they seem like they are "ok with" or "open to" a relationship, that is very different than WANTING it because they think it's what's best for the child. Ask them WHY they think open adoption is right. Ask them what they envision in a year, 5 years etc. Our son's bmom asked us that and we told her we hope to be sitting watching her graduate HS in 1 year and college in 4 to 5 years! And she's graduating early this month and we're invited to her party in 2 weeks. :) Also if you want an open adoption I'd pick a family who lives within a few hours away. I am guessing a plane trip once (or more) a year isn't realistic after the 1st few years. And I'd also ask them where they grew up and if they intend to stay in the area, do they travel for work, etc. You never know for sure but I think you have a better chance if 1 of them grew up or has some kind of roots in their current area. I grew up 6 blocks from where we live now and my family all live within 5 miles...we're not going anywhere. I think that helped to re-assure our son's bmom. Oh and why is the agency picking the family? NO WAY! Ask to meet evey single family you are interested in. If you don't like any-- then ask to be shown more or pick another agency. And lastly... my gut reaction to your situation is that you have plenty of time and that you should try to get your son some help and hopefully make it a safe household for the baby. I don't know the diagnosis, and I don't recall what age he is-- but keep in mind it may get better as he gets older. Work on trying to get him help right now and maybe re-evaluate in another month or 2. Good Luck to you. Hang in there. I know you must be scared and confused, but it WILL work out. I am praying for ya! Adrienne

thx for the last 2 replies. i'm realizing now that my son may NOT actually be beyond all help like i'd originally thought. that was due to the fact that every doctor we've seen has basically told us "sorry, theres nothing we can do for this disability."after 6 yrs of hearing that we werent expecting anyone to take the inititive to even try to help us. so when the pediatric neurologist prescribed something in the hopes that it would calm our son down a little we kinda went "hey maybe this CAN work after all." we've not completely brushed the adoption option off the table just yet cuz we would really like to see some kind of improvement in school as well and take some time to see if this situation can be worked out with a baby in the house. we've got 3 more months to work this out so hopefully it does. thank you all for the encouragement and support.

Actually, you have longer than that. You don't have to make a decision when the baby is born. There will always be an adoptive couple willing to take in a newborn or toddler. I hope you are able to see improvement in your son so that you can keep your new baby.

Good luck to you and your family!

Many thoughts and prayers are with you, hoping for safety, joy, and peace of mind as you face the challenges ahead.

Obviously you are a very caring mother - who has the best interests of her children at heart. I'd like to offer something else to think about - if an adoption plan is what you decide how will you explain it to your son when he is old enough to understand? - and perhaps he won't but you mentioned school so I'm assuming he's got some cognative function going on. And as someone who has a rare disease keep going until you get the answers you need for your son. It can be exhausting trying to get the right diagnosis/doctor/answer/medication/solution but there is hope. There are tons of parents on here who have children with severe disabilities that can offer support and resources. Best of luck to you!