Considering Older Child Adoption and Need Advice

Watched a Karyn video with puppets/ role-playing. Brilliant. Reminded me of Deborah Hage on lying. It's 100% right on:[url=http://www.deborahhage.com/articles/lying.html]Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW[/url]

Hi There! I loved the book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and Attachment in Adoption by Deborah Gray. The best advice I can give you is to have a lot of patience. Way more than you think you will need. We adopted a sibling group of three boys ages 2, 4 and 8. And the 8 year old has by far been our most challenging (which makes sense as he has had the longest amount of time of instability in his life). We're just at a year on our journey together and I know we have a long road ahead of us still. I agree with previous posts, that sometimes having experience clouds your judgment. Also, get a network of ladies in your situation together so you can go have a margarita or iced tea with every so often to bounce ideas and/or vent with. Good luck!

Alys1, thanks for the video info. I'll see if my local adoption resource support group library thing has a copy. And thanks also for the article on lying! That came at a good time, let me tell you! I started the Daniel Hughes book and my eyes are already opening. The stuff about dealing with MY attachment issues hurts but is so true. Back to the original poster, I agree that too much experience with "regular" kids can mess you up. I know that my issues with my parents and in-laws come from them thinking that these kids should be raised the same way they raised their own kids, when the truth is that you have to do it very differently.

Just my 2 cents here. My DH and I also adopted a sibling group (ages 1,2,3) and went from being childless to parents of 3 overnight! We didn't have prior expectations based on bio-kids and that actually was helpful, as others have mentioned above. We have found the following books super helpful: Connected Child, Attaching in Adoption, and Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach (by Howard Glassar). The 3rd one is marketed really for help with discipline, but I feel that a lot of day-to-day functioning as a family (following rules and guidelines for how to get along) has so much to do with the relational connection between parents and children. My DH and I had the ability to take a month off when the children were placed with us, so we were with them 24/7 for a whole month. That was so, so helpful to begin to establish attachment and parent/child roles. It was EXHAUSTING and so hard. But I felt it was super helpful. Also, I don't know if you are a kid-lover at heart. It's weird to say this, but I'm not drawn to kids in general. But when we started our journey, I knew I would love our kids so much and be committed to them, and that has turned out to be the case. So even if you don't feel qualified, if you open your heart and commit to those little ones, you will be given the right tools.

My 4 were 8, 11, 7 and 8 when adopted. Overwhelming!! But you'll start to see signs of them healing and it's worth it. There will be days when you'll pull out your hair.. and you'll cry and/or scream. It is a rollercoaster. But it's so worth it.

I agree with everyone. I have 2 bio children & am the oldest of 7 - so lots of experience with parenting. I can say now that it doesn't make a lot of difference what your past experience was because this will be a completely different experience. Having a lot of support is key. Educating yourself on their issues is a big thing too. Good luck!

We adopted 2 girls, ages 2 & 6, internationally 8 years ago. We did not have parenting experience either - just babysitting, younger siblings, etc. The honeymoon period was great but we quickly started seeing real trauma in the 6 year old after a couple of years. Long story short, she has ADHD, severe/moderate depression, anxiety disorder, RAD, and is being tested currently for borderline personality disorder. She had a very awful experience with a foster parent (neglect, sexual abuse) before she went into the orphanage where we got her. She socially isolates herself, is almost always defiant, has tried to choke her sister and regularly cusses us out/hits us. Her sister has none of these issues. I would never again adopt an older child because of this experience....it is like being married to an abusive husband that you can't leave. We have read all of the books, followed all of the instructions, she regularly sees a therapist and psychiatrist, and now we are looking into residential inpatient therapy. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not. In this instance, I believe she would have done much better as a single child, woman only house. If you seriously consider it, be prepared for anything and know as much as you can about the disruption as you can. We were so anxious for children that we never dreamed that our beautiful 6 year old could turn into a person we feared at 14.

I adopted a six year old and it's been the toughest thing ever. I already had three kids, but this was nothing like parenting any of them! Actually it may be helpful to not have the experience because then you aren't quite as shocked, LOL. Good luck!

I have a bachelors in Psychology with a focus on child abuse and neglect and a Masters in Social Work with a focus on mental health. I worked in childcare off and on since I was 8 yrs old, including a residential treatment center for girls, running children's groups at the Center for Battered Women, even doing foster care homestudies. My family has a strong history of bipolar disorder, and my BIL's children were in and out of foster care for abuse and neglect, and we had 2 biochildren. None of that helped us with the sibling pair who came into our home at age 11 and 13, eventually diagnosed with RAD, bipolar, C-PTSD, ADHD, cerebral dysrhythmia.... We had a crash course in attachment and therapeutic parenting, RAD, the juvenile justice system, IEPs and CPS investigations. Was it worth it? Yes Would it have been harder if we had no experience as parents? Maybe. Depends on the child(ren) and your supports and maybe a bit of luck. This is the blog of a young couple that adopted a teen from foster care and are doing well [url=http://lafosterblog.blogspot.com/]What Now?[/url] Did it make it easier to have all that experience? Sometimes, but I think there were several times when I missed something because I thought I knew what I was doing and I KNOW I made some poor decisions and choices based on the "normal," "traditional," "worked for my other kids" tapes running in my head. In addition to the support and advice I got on the special needs forums here, I love Katharine Leslie's books. Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control helped me a lot with my empathy and understanding of how the kids were feeling and why they acted the way they did. This blogger [url=http://www.welcometomybrain.net/]welcome to my brain . net[/url] is a therapeutic parenting guru with some amazing YouTube videos... This is a decision you have to make on your own. You've gotten a lot of good advice and have already taken some strong first steps. Mary

I have a question: how did you decide that you wanted to adopt an older child? I was thinking about it, but to deal with he trauma? Not that I dont love kids, but how did you decide to go older? Or to concider older? Thank you, Chev :wings:

I find babies and toddlers exhausting and, in a way, soul-draining. I wanted children I could talk to, go to the movies with, draw with, read with. Even infants experience and are affected by traumaadopting a younger child is in no way a guarantee of not having to deal with trauma, unfortunately. Even so, my kids are just a little older than I was thinking ofח10 and 13 when we met them, whereas I thought I preferred 8-11ishand we chose them because we met them and had a connection and felt they were right for us and we for them. I also didn't want to wait forever or foster before an adoptive placement, both of which seemed to be necessary (at least in my state) for adopting the youngest children. And it was hard to ignore all the amazing older kids who really needed and wanted families. One thing I'm realizing more and moreחwe've had the kids for two years nowis that a good therapist is KEY. We have a wonderful therapist who specializes in trauma. The kids had been seeing her for a couple of years before we met them, so it was really just luck for us. Each kid sees her once a week and my husband and I see her once a week, and nothing has helped more or been more vital to our success so far.

I always knew I wanted to adopt in addition to having biokids. I grew up in a family of rescuers and Social Work seemed a natural career choice (luckily I learned it's not about rescuing at all!). When we were ready to adopt, I wanted to adopt kids that really needed "rescuing" (not "perfect infants" in other words). So we were looking for a sibling group of 2-3 kids. We'd chosen kids 1-2 years younger than our biokids (then aged 7 and 10), but when we got our license we discovered the kids we'd chosen were no longer available. Now I attribute the placement of the children we adopted (older than our biokids, RAD and other severe mental illnesses), to a series of "Godincidences." WE were the right parents for these children. Luckily we'd left our minds open. FYI, if you're interested in a document I put together reviewing a lot of attachment books and discipline methods, plus some links to support and info, then feel free to PM me with your e-mail and I'll e-mail it to you.

I thought I wanted younger children too....but now after adopting "older children" have realized that they is no way I would have had the energy for babies and toddlers. God knew what I could handle and brought it my way. We had an age range of 0-12 and I was hoping and praying for a newborn or toddler. It wasn't meant to be for me and I'm glad. We are blessed with 3 wonderful 'older' children that have sustained severe trauma and I am amazed everyday at how well they turned out. We are still working on 'things' but really there are blessings everywhere you turn and don't count the older kids out - sometimes their life experience can teach you things too. As the post says above just because they are younger doesn't mean they haven't suffered trauma either. Hope that helps and good luck in your journey!

Madam, I have no idea about that, but can adopting a child at 22 be advisabel? Because i am just more than wishing to one day call them mom or dad again someday. I cry everyday in my heart to have another parents that will love and care for me.

My wife and I are in the visitation phase of a placement with a 14 yo girl. We have NO parenting experience, but that was considered a positive with her. Let me back up. We knew we wanted to adopt an older child. We were originally planning on 7ish, but then we met her support team. The love we felt for this girl was infectious. We were hook, SCARED to death but hooked. Then we met her and the hook was set even deeper. We know she is the one, but we can already tell that if she decides to move forward this is going to be the hardest, but the most rewarding experience of our lives. My coworkers describe it like this, "Most parents climb in the pot of water and then turn on the heat. You on the other hand, got the water rolling hard, and dove in head first!" Yep, and I wouldn't have it any other way. (I hope!)