What are the biggest challenges you face with Foster care

I would definately take the classes. They give you the very worst case scenarios so if we can make through that you are probably good to go. Even then, though, almost nothing about this journey will go as you expect. The bonding thing is interesting...I am only very slowly bonding with our 3yo, but after like 15 minutes with our 11yo we just clicked. The hardest thing (esp. if you are type A, like me) is a tie between a) reaching a level of acceptance that the system just works the way it works, which is not well most of the time and b) the freaking waiting. The 2nd hardest thing, for me, at least, is trying to "reset" some of the behaviors and fill in the gaps of knowledge that continue to take us by surprise. My best advice is to 'know thyself', but be open to expanding your horizons. If you had told us 3+ years ago when we started out that we would be fostering and that we would have a 3yo and 11yo with a possible 2nd 6yo on the way I would have thought you were crazy. This rollercoaster ain't for the faint of heart, but it is a fabulous ride none-the-less. Good luck with your journey.

Each child is different in terms of bonding. We have had a total of 9 kids, 3 of which I felt very bonded to early on. 4 of which grew on me, but the bond waxed and waned, and 2 that never bonded (though 1 was moved after a week). I've had an easier time bonding with the younger ones, but I think that is because that's the age I'm most comfortable with right now. Our current 6 year old has been a challenge as we were not ready for one that old. We do not have any biological children and definitely was not ready for a child to be in 1st grade. (FD turned 6 a month after being placed). There was also a lot of information that was not disclosed or was not known at the time we accepted the placement, that had we known we probably would have declined. The 1 that never bonded was the result of a perfect storm. Horrible sexual abuse that was not disclosed to us, the child only spoke Spanish (we are not bilingual) and CPS dragged their feet on getting therapy until the 11th hour. After 4 months of being beat up daily and fighting to get this child help, CPS got her started in therapy, but by that point we couldn't handle it anymore. When we met with the therapist for the first time, she brought up the fact that we could no longer keep this child safe from herself...something we had talked about but didn't know what to do to address it. These were all foster situations, and all placed with us on an emergency basis. We had VERY little information on any of the kids, and some of it was just plain wrong information. If you are looking to do straight adoption, you would have a period to get all the background information and have questions answered before accepting placement. That's not saying that the info will be 100% correct, but it may be a bit more likely. Unfortunately, as children begin to feel safe, they start to open up more about what they've gone through. Our current fk's were great for the first few months....not honeymooning, but once they got into the heart of therapy, the flood gates opened and we have a completely different set of issues at hand....many of which we are struggling to deal with. We don't really know if we can continue meeting their needs because their psychological needs have become far greater than anyone expected. So, sometimes you don't know how much you can handle until you're in over your head. With that said, it's a good thing to have a list of things that you know you cannot handle and ask about those specific things when you're called for placement. Knowing your own limits is the key to keeping your sanity through it all.

I agree. The waiting... and waiting, and waiting. That's been the hardest for me. And, yes - seeing the way the system works can be frustrating to say the least. There are only 2 judges in my county who reside over the juvenile court. I've had experience with both of them. I feel like one is very fair towards both DSS and birth parents, but ultimately looks out for the child's best interest, no matter what. The other judge... totally all for birth parents (or birth family). This judge has sent many kids home, just to have them return to foster care after a matter of months (including my fs and his siblings). Anyway - so the frustration is hard, but - from what I've heard/seen, adoption in general can be frustrating and a long process, not just foster care/adoption. With all that said - it is so rewarding when you feel that no matter what - you've provided a safe, loving home for kids who might not get that otherwise - whether it's for a little while, or forever - it impacts their lives, either way.

We adopted our boys 19 yrs ago and then when they were 8 and 9 we were able to get and stay pregnant and now we are doing foster care again. My rule (which is up for measure in an emergency situation...like after hours or middle of the night) NO kids older than my youngest child. That simply means that for the safety of my youngest son I will not take another child over the age of 8 and we prefer younger than 4 with a high want for infant care. But like I said in an ER I would take an older child and really hope for it to be very short term. That is never guranteed though. Each child is it's own little person, you may not like one and then fall in love with the next. We do not click with our 4 1/2 yr old FD but we do with the 2 and 3 1/2 yr olds. It's not her age, it's just the person she is does not "mesh" with the folks that we are. We've muddled through and made it work, I've got some good people on here that I call friends who have helped me so much in coping with things. Waiting sucks! I agree with PP that you should really take the classes to help you decide, they will talk about everything and if you decide not to go forward then you've still learned and you will be fine. Good luck!

We just went inactive after 6 years of fostering. The hardest part in hindsight was the stress that it put on our marriage and on our own children. My DH and I separated in November, but did start therapy also in November. We noted that fostering was the main source of stress for us and now that we have gotten out of fostering we are better (and back together). My suggestion (from experience) would be to look at your relationship and determine if it is strong enough to withstand extreme stress. No matter what kids in foster care will come with some issues and it takes a toll. I'm not saying don't try it, cause it is rewarding, but go in with eyes open.

Hardest things 1) the beaucratic nightmare that is "the system" 2) not being able to "do" for the kids withotu going through 15 hoops; whether that be sign them up for school, gymnastics, cut their hair, or plan a cruise 3) watching the kids get hurt by BPs and the system and not being able to protect them 4) the uncertainty I've been pleasantly surprised at how good the kids are, how easy it is too attach, and how easy it was to become a mom.

Like i said, I havent taken the classes yet so i dont really know much about the kids in the foster care system or what to expect, but is it a huge concern that i would have to be worried about an older child hurting my younger one? Is that pretty "normal" in a foster care situation? I guess I hadnt thought about a child hurting a younger child. I keep going back and forth on this. I have had the idea in my mind for the past few years and i think God has been pushing me more and more to consider it. Well, i keep thinking about it, so it must be him thats making me think about!! On the other hand, im NOT a perfect parent, i have my down falls and i just dont know if im a good enough parent to make it through the daily challenges of foster to adopt. I really want to try it, but i would feel horrible if i couldnt handle it and the kids had to be placed somewhere else. I also dont know if i could handle the discipline issues. Im having a hard time right now with my 9 year old and some behavioral things and he's my bio and ive had 9 years to get things straightened out and still cant manage to curb some of his behaviors. Not that I would need to "fix" a child but i think reteaching acceptable and nonacceptable behaviours is rather hard im assuming. Thanks for all the advice, i am waiting for the SW to email me back but she hasnt yet. Im used to that just from our domestic adoption process. Im assuming its worse in the foster care system. Rach ETA: How long did it take you to get a placement after you were licensed? We waited 18 months to be choosen by an emom, so i know about waiting unfortunetly.

Some background: When our first FS moved in, he came from another home. He had been there for over half a year, and it was his first foster home. While he was here I believe he did grow and overcome some of what the last foster home was talking about. He was with us for right about 7 months before he chose to move. Given, he was 17 at the time, he knew what he wanted (at least at that moment). He was given the option of 1. Waiting and thinking more about it. 2. All of us going to therapy and trying to work through this. 3. Moving 4. Other In the end, he decided to move. A couple months later he moved from Home #3 to another home, which is where he is now. (That move, like his first, wasn't by his choosing.) At the time he left, I felt like such a failure as a parent. Why couldn't I handle the issues he had better? They weren't really sever, but it did take an emtional toll. Especially the lieing and self defeating behaviors. His CASA worker called a few days after he left to see how things were going. This was the first time we had talked. I mentioned how I wasn't the "perfect parent" and had faults. I felt like if I had been "better" it would have worked out. It was reassuring to hear the CASA say that it was okay because no one is pefect and we all have faults. She then asked why it was that he was moving again? She was really surprised to hear that. I couldn't give her a clear answer, such as we liked vanilla ice cream and he likes strawberry. It wasn't that simple. The point to that is, it is okay if a placement doesn't work out. Yes, everyone wants it to and moving a child can be hard. But sometimes it happens and it is okay. None of us are perfect; each are imperfect in our own ways. It can be hard to reteach negative behaviors. However, I know from my parent's modeling that it can happen, but sometime it takes a while. It does help though if they are with you more and see the acceptable behavior shown. I also think that not all FC are bad or have major issues. However, there are ones that do. You just don't always know going into it what will happen. Our FS came to us with "stealing" issues. It wasn't stealing per se, more of not asking. However, he did lie frequently. That was something we had to learn as no amount of questions in a short phone call would have figured that out. I don't think it is a given that a FC will be harmful to your little one. Our FS loved younger kids and made a great big brother. That was one issue we were not worried about at all and our minister's kids loved it when he stayed the weekend there once. He played with them the whole time. It only took us a month from licensing to our first placement. We also had a second placement come a month after that, also a teen FS. He was here only a week after both he and us realized it wouldn't work and requested he be moved. (He moved in with us from another home because of a divorce.) I felt better about that one since it was just that; we were not a good fit for him and we both knew it pretty quickly. It is stressful and can take a toll on your marriage and family. It can also be a great experience. I would seriously look at your plate right now, as well as the relationships with those in your family. Two months ago I knew I couldn't add something else to my plate, but now I think I could. However, I also know that FS took a toll on our marriage and we are working on sharing things more rather than keeping them to ourselves. Also, being more honest with ourselves about how we are feeling at the moment or how we are dealing with things. I'm not sure we are ready right now in that aspect. It was a lot of drama that we just aren't used to dealing with. And I'm okay with it ... most days. :) Who know what two months from now will bring, so I just take it one day at a time. Not knowing any of the details, I think if you are having a hard time with your 9 year old, then perhaps now is not the best time to bring in a FC. It would take more of your energy away that he may need. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, just giving my first impression. How about respite to get your feet wet, see what it is like, etc. before commiting more to it? That would allow you to get to know several FC while you figure out if it is something you can reasonably do with the kids you have now, at this point in life. What ever you decide, the best of luck to you.

Letting them go is the hardest part. The pain never really goes away, and so many times you never hear from them again. You get used to the looks when you have racially different kids and long quiet moments when you claim a teen and you aren't old enough to have one, but it bugs you a bit at first.

I would never foster a child who is older than my youngest child. It works for some, but it's not a risk I am personally willing to take. It seems as if you are in the very beginning stages of considering fostering. I'd really recommend spending a lot of time reading back through the threads on this forum and seeing the real-life problems you may very well encounter. They can be very very intense. Also, there are literally thousands of foster/adopt blogs out there that will give you way more information than you will ever learn in a class. Best of luck!!!

I took 2 children as a first time foster parent a 7 month old and 3 yr old. Biologically they are half sibs but had never been together before. The social worker suggested all meeting the same day and then phasing in the infant. I had initially assumed it was because I was also a first time mom. It wasn't until months later when she let it slip that she wasn't sure if the older one would harm the younger. I had never thought about that! Does it happen, yes sometimes but not all the times. But enough that you feel like a horrible person for not heeding all the previous warnings. I think the hardest thing about foster care is all the uncertainty. You just never know. My youngest child turned out to have a ton of medical issues. Thankfully I am medical but ironically I had told my caseworker that I wasn't comfortable with sick, medically fragile kids. My older one is now starting to display some behavioural issues. They are manageable now (because he is 5) but its something I need to aggressively stay on top of. a friend of mine took a teen that was disrupted. I thought oh my gosh what is she in for? - they have an amazing, caring fantastic relationship - who knew? I have seen people in my support group with children who were supposed to be slam dunks be returned to family and vice versa. Many times only minimal information is given and you must take a leap of faith. I have two amazing little boys that I wouldn't change for the world but man o man is it a heck of a ride and certainly not for the faint of heart. I think the biggest difference between foster and adopt is that the children are a bit older, coming with little personalities and experiences. You are dealing with an imperfect system in which anything can happen and you can always make everything better but if you can go into it feeling that you can at least make their life better one day at a time maybe it can be something that will work for you. You could always try to become a CASA or GAL, volunteer with your community Big Sister program just to get an insight into your community. Good luck and best wishes!

Thanks for all the replies. Well, the problem is, i was thinking that because we have a baby now, i thought that we could maybe foster an older child since there is such a gap between our first and second child, but i must admit i didnt think at all that the older child might hurt the younger one. I know you all said that it *could* be a possibility and i dont know if i could take the risk, but on the other hand, if i wanted to only take kids younger than my oldest, i would have to wait at least 2 years or more cuz there arent many kids in the system under 2 im assuming. I had emailed a Case worker for our county for some more info and she wasnt very friendly to say the least. She made it MORE THAN CLEAR that they are NOT an adoption agency(which I clearly know) and that the children have to be in the system for 15 - 24 months before they can be considered for adoption and that they make every attempt to RU with the parents (which I know) and that if they cant the relatives can take them or their current foster family can adopt them (which iknow) so if after all of that they cant find a home, then they would be available for adoption. She made me feel really crummy about wanting to foster to adopt instead of straight fostering. Maybe im not understanding this correctly. My friend adopted from the foster care system and her kids were with their foster family and when it didnt look like the mom would get them back they were then considered pre-adoptive placements, which at that time they then moved in with my friends and she had them for about a year before the TPR went through and then finalization. Is that about normal for foster to adopt or am i way off. Not that i dont want to foster, cuz i think that would be an amazing experience but my intentions are more to adopt than to foster and i wanted to let her know that. Clearly that is frowned upon. Maybe im just not getting it. Other there other agencies to adopt through other than the county? I guess i just assumed when you adopted through foster care that you did it through the county?? I have time to research i guess i wouldnt want to start for at least another year anyways with having a new baby and all. Rach

The hardest part for me has been the bonding. I fell in love with the girls almost overnight. We were so happy to have something that resembled a "family." At the very first visit, two weeks after they were taken, it was like someone punched me in the gut and reminded me they weren't mine, I was just taking care of them. I cried for hours after that visit (but now I know I was pregnant at the time and that could have been my hormones). The most frustrating thing about the "system" is communication with the workers. You think you've told them something or they've said something to you, but you have to go and triple check. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing their job as well as mine. They say what a great job we're doing, but then they question so many things that we do as parents. That's just my 2 cents...There are also the wonderful days when I'm reminded that this isn't about me, it's about helping a family in my community. We might have gone into this for the wrong selfish reasons of expanding our family, but I think our mindset has changed into helping and loving other people.