My son came to us at age 14. We were given very little real information from the caseworkers regarding his history. Recently ds had an incident in which he received a criminal assault charge at school. DS is extremely angry at me because it is the mother's job to lie to the police so the kid does not get in trouble for hurting people. Apparently, throughout his childhood, ds had on numerous occassions stabbed people (mainly biodad cause he was a drunk and weak) in his family with kitchen knives and broken glass, but on each occassion, his birth mother told the police a story about how it happened. So now it is my fault that DS is facing adult consequences for the assault. I'm a bad mom, cause good mom's get their kids out of trouble with the police.
I also recently found out some other information regarding his bio sister whom we disrupted. That was information that the caseworker definitely knew and chose to withold from me. This caseworker put my family in danger and did not help these children. The only reason (according to my son) that he not hurt my family is that my husband is a big, strong man and ds is afraid of him. I wish we had never adopted.
Both. Cw's lie, and sometimes they don't know. Also, if they only suspect something and don't have documentation, they won't (likely) pass that on, either. Even when you have documentation, it's hard to get all of it. Paperwork, even now in the age of digital paperwork, is all too easily misplaced, misfiled, or simply lost. It might be in the wrong part of the casefile and you stumble across it eventually. Or not.
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. ((((hugs))) and hope that you can find some IRL support for your family. Is there a support group of foster or adoptive families in your area? The adoptive families in my area are mostly private, domestic infant adoptions, so there's not a lot in common with families who've adopted from foster care, other than we all adopted.
I had a SW intercept files a shelter worker tried to give me and she hid the information.
Another son's social worker hid resports of a serious childhood hallucination I found out from the family that disrupted.
I think workers do lie thinking that the kids are really okay and if they only had a chance...
Sorry you are dealing with this. I so understand the wishing you never adopted feeling.
Yes, many lie...and lie well. Makes me sick...but they do. Consider that their job is to place children from foster care into homes, period. More often than not, those children have significant issues...and often, very dangerous issues. Who'd want to adopt a child they have to fear? You know that answer. So did we.....eventually.
Consider obtaining an attorney to help you find info the system may have hidden from you. (This is what we did.) That way, you'd be more likely to find info from specific places when the child had a different name/place, etc. IF you are considering disrupting or dissolving this adoption (I don't know how long he's been with you or the trials you're going through), you may be able to dissolve based on not having full disclosure---which is completely illegal for the state or agency to do!!!)
After we finalized, we suspected we'd been lied to. I could hardly believe it....but was wiling to try to find the missing pages we'd asked about at staffings. Imagine our disgust and surprise in finding MANY pages to hospital admissions with behaviors we would have known were FAR above our heads---had we only known!!!!
I also understand that feeling of resentment at having adopted older children. What you're going through---IMO---if it is anything like ours was---is NOT what adoption is supposed to be. As someone else said to me, "Adoption does NOT mean 'abuse'."
Just a note to add here too.....
In the end, we didn't go to court to ask for dissolution of this adoption...though we were told by an official this is certainly what we could have done due to the misrepresentation of the child.....
I know a cw who removed a dx a child rec'd from a hospital clinic, one specializing in dx'ing the item the cw removed from the file, because the cw didn't agree with it (based on monthy visits?) and felt it would hamper the chances of the child being adopted. So some do lie/lose/not disclose information with the 'altruistic' belief that they're helping kids find homes. Some do it, though, because they KNOW this kid WON'T find a home if they give full disclosure. Once the adoption is final the adoptive family is, pretty much, on their own and the lack of funds and support usually precludes the cw having to do anything more with the case.
Ours had a psych eval about every 2 years, always with the same doctor, EXCEPT as soon as one got a RAD diagnosis, they immediately had a new eval done with a different doctor and never saw the first doctor again. The eval with RAD on it was buried very deep in the tens of thousands of documents we received.
The case worker said they must be able to attach because they are attached to each other. Ha! They do have a relationship with each other, but it is based on hate, not love. They are like predators competing to suck the life out of their provider objects (that's us!) faster than the other. When one manages to achieve some kind of recognition then the other falls into depression. No kidding! It's mind boggling.
Both. All that they knew about Gem's history was not told to me before placement...but luckily none of the undisclosed info would have stopped me adopting her in the first place. it just made it a lot harder to work out what was going on an access appropriate services for her
But actually, they didn't know half of what was going on in her bios house. It was my Gem herself who told me..she had not told SS, she didn't trust anyone enough before me to disclose all the abuse..she still comes out with new stuff now!
Ours were pretty honest I think. I asked a few questions about things and if they didn't know the answer, they said just that. They also shared the files with me so I read up on a lot. I talked to several other people involved with the kids at the time and all of them seemed to be of similar opinion on things so it was "back up" to the sw's, imo.
I really think like any other profession, you have good eggs & bad eggs. I'm sorry cw withheld some really serious information from you and hope you are able to make the complaint to the powers that be. No one should be in the profession with that type of deceit!:mad:
We don't feel lied to, but we really didn't know a lot about our kids and there were lots of things we found out later, but don't know why the caseworker didn't know.
1. The school forwarded a psych eval that talked about some sexual abuse - which the caseworker said she'd never seen. We had made a comment to one of our son's teachers about him not having been abused in a way he claimed (he frequently lies) - and she showed us the report. As far as I could tell it should have been in his file, but wasn't. I don't know why.
2. Both our kids were diagnosed with bipolar disorder when they entered foster care, but nowhere did it ever say that on any psych eval we received, even though they did talk about my daughter's history prior to entering foster care - showing she was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4 (5 years before she entered care). We found out about the earlier diagnosis from biomom a couple of years after the kids moved in with us.
3. Both our kids were diagnosed with RAD only after they came to live with us, and I don't feel like we were lied to by the caseworker and therapist when they said they didn't know - because of the circumstances the kids were living in while in foster care. They were separated and living in foster homes with a single parent and quite a few children around the same age or older. They seemed more like group homes than a typical parenting situation, especially for our son. I don't think anyone realized how our kids would react to actual parents who tried to love them.
I really liked our caseworkers and think they gave us the most accurate information they had, but they just didn't have it all. So yes, some caseworkers lie, and maybe we were lied to, but I don't believe the caseworkers we worked with did so deliberately.
Mary in TX
I feel like social workers "sugar coat" to get children placed. That said, I think my son's adoption worker was very honest. Foster care workers will say whatever it takes to get a kid in your home and I think some adoption workers do the same... not EXACTLY lying... just lots of manipulation.
So, yeah.... both.... sometimes they don't know and sometimes they just dont' care.
I’m in the U.K.
Does anyone here have any information on similar groups over here?
We were lied to, and information was deliberately withheld.
Now have 3 full siblings with Learning Disabilities and autism.
Head of Adoption services suppressed medical information in collaboration with Consultant paediatrician.(*)
From 1999 to 2004 withheld a recommendation to test for Williams syndrome which was never acted on, despite being after adoption of our eldest and before her siblings went through.
Legally discriminated against, as was after adoption.
But covered up……