This is my first time posting. My DH and I are getting ready to start the adoption process and I know that you have to provide references. I am in Virginia and can not find anything relating to who can be a reference. The only people who have seen us interact with children is our family. None of our friends have children. My cousin is adopted and as she was growing up I use to interact with her a lot, so I would really love to use her as a reference but since she is related I don't know if this is allowed. I am sure it is a little early to be thinking about this but I like to have all my ducks in a row. Anyone have any suggestions or thoughts? Thank you in advance :o
Thanks. My DH and I will be married for 2 years in May but have been together for almost four. He started his job two days before he met me so all the people he works with know us as a couple so I am sure they will be good references. I also have known the other grandmother of my cousin (she has a total of 3) for my whole life so I am sure she would be a good one as well. My DH is retired military and before he met me I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and did not have many friends so we are just now making some couple friends. I guess this is why the reference thing is bothering me a little. Is this something I should be worrying about?
I wouldn't worry too much. I stressed out a lot over it, and I tried to make sure I had balance - both men and women, people who had known me as long a while (my agency said at least 2 years, my references ranged from knowing me for 3-15 years). I chose the one who had known me longest (and seen me most with kids) to be the reference my agency met with in person - the others only had to write letters. One reference was a couple, the others were single. The agency partly wants to hear what people have to say about you, but it's also a way for them to see that you do have people in your life. The agency isn't going to say you can't adopt because your references aren't "good enough", it's to make sure you are who/ what you say you are and to help you make sure you're ready. Relax and have fun with it - and good luck!
ruth74 Thank you for your reply. I am trying not to stress out to much about this! We haven't even selected our agency yet so I have no idea why I am obsessing over I will try very hard to take your advice to relax and have fun with it!! This is a journey and I know I just need to take it one step at a time.
The most important criteria in picking someone is selecting someoen who will quickly submit their reference paperwork
I used remote friends, local coworkers, sister with no kids, husband's friend with no kids
all the LW seemed to care about was being able to check off the box stated 5 people said we'd be ok to care for kids
We had that same issue! What a realization that we dont have any couple friends, lol....he has friends, I have friends, but not really anyone we have met together.
It sucks for me because here in Canada, we need 1 family member reference but they have to live in the same province, my mom recently moved out of province, and even tho its only 4hrs away, they wont accept it.
Thank you to everybody for their great advice. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has stressed about this. I am so sure that everything will work out!
we needed to provide 3 each. So I chose three of his friends and three of mine. All who had known us for awhile and had seen us parent. All of various ages, some civilian and some military. I tried to pick 6 different people with no connections other than us. One of mine is in the process of moving and didn't get his form so the agency emailed me one to send to someone. After looking at the form I realized my criteria were way off! The form, for us, was more a charector assessment than asking about our parenting style! So I sent it to someone who could fill it out quickly and get it returned quickly. The curiosity about what they were asking tho, drove me insane!!
We DID have to have two family references and three-four from others. Because I work with children, one of the others had to be from my employer. For the others, we chose my best friend (she has 4 kids), a co-worker with no children, and a co-worker who has multi-ethnic children (we have a multi-racial family). I TOTALLY overthought others said, they were basically looking for a check off...and the reference that to me was the best was from the woman I'd known the least amount of time, who has no children, and who has never seen us interact with children. She described our personal characteristics and how those qualities would make us good parents. Good luck!
For our home study, we used close friends for our references. We thought about using family but decided against it... They're great, but we wanted to provide the agency with a different perspective.