Is sibling contact helpful or harmful after TPR? And how much

My son is part of a sibling group of five that were all adopted into separate homes in our community. When they entered care each of the siblings had their own challenging behavior issues, some more intense than others and it was difficult for them to be together for any amount of time without all being pulled back into really unhealthy patterns of behavior that had been survival tactics in their home. Partly because of this and because there simply weren't foster homes in our area equipped to handle a large sibling group they were all placed in separate homes very early on in the process and all ended up being adopted by their respective foster families. They did spend time together as a group during parental visits and actually my son looked forward to spending time with his siblings more than seeing his parents. I know the connection is very important to him, especially with some of his older siblings who actually were caregivers for him in their home. It was and continues to be challenging for them to all be together as a group for more than a couple of hours at a time, but they do very well in pairs so I sort of take turns inviting one or the other over to play at our house, go to the movies or enjoy other activities like ice skating or swimming together for short periods of time. Yes, they squabble and tend to bring out the worst in each other sometimes, but what siblings do get along all the time? I feel like its really important for them to have opportunities to work through those things now in order to hopefully maintain some sort of healthy connection as adults someday. Its not perfect and he sees some siblings more than others simply because of the logistics of scheduling time with different families all going in different directions, but we do the best we can. So, I guess at this point, I think the positives outweigh the negatives. At the very least I will be able to honestly say that I tried to help him maintain those relationships and know his siblings even if they don't all end up being close someday in the future.

We had sibling visits when my were fk's. There was talk of SA from one brother to L, who was with me. But they finished the school year together and we had visits. Then the sibs moved out of state. They've seen each other and we've visited. but it's harder. It's like an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. I'd say keep doing it. Since they're out of the abusive situation, they are healing.

DD was closely bonded with her brother. We've kept in contact. Early on, she was "junk" post visits. This is normal. I'm with your therapist. DD had a host of emotions she needed to process; the visits stired up all sorts of feelings. 6 months in, the reactions calmed down. One year in, she was starting to see her brother's flaws, so we had a rough patch. these days, their relationship is great and the post visit meltdowns have ceased

My 13 year old would give anything to see his sibs however, they are 3000 miles away. So, we are limited to phone calls, letters and facebook. There is an out of sight out of mind thing as well but there is still that love there and the "want and need" to have contact. One sib is now an adult and married, another is 16/17, and the 14 year old has many issues of his own but it is very important for all of these kids to know that they are there for each other. All live in different homes but the 3 are in one state and my son is in another. It's tough but we figure out how to make that contact. I know a family where 3 of 4 sibs are together and they have no contact with the "baby" of the bunch who is @ 8 now. The older 2 really miss her as they had been placed with her for almost a year. They don't understand why they can't see her. She doesn't even know she is adopted however, the families live fairly close to each other (A mom of 3 is very good detective) and the "baby" and # 2 are spitting image of each other. WHat happens on the day that they run into each other...... I feel so much for those kids. I agree with therapist....

As an AMom I agree with your therapist. We have kept in contact with my DD's sibs....early she was also a mess after visiting her brother who she had lived with and just fine after visiting her sister whom she had never lived with. Now she is totally fine after wards and loves visiting with both of them. Their sibling bond is very important to all three of them.

My children who have been adopted came into our home as newborns, one I know has a sister(he is 2 now) and the other who knows! I have never considered trying to contact that sister,(she is 4) or trying to find out if the other has sibs(she's 11). Both birthmoms are/were young and have many more reproductive years ahead of them. Who knows how many sibs they could have and then if you include the BF if known--YIKES!! He has never known his sister, his family is our family. For kids who DO have a bond with their sibs, I think if at all possible that bond should be encouraged. Especially for older children. Our son had sib visits(4hrs monthly) with his sister but he was an infant and she was 1-2yo. So for us there was no bond and we will not make one. We have foster daughters that we hope to adopt, they have 4 sibs that they have never met, 3 from the BF are adults and the 1 from the birthmom is 12ish, again if we adopt them I will not seek these strangers out to try and form a bond with them....if they had had a relationship before and the sibs were in a stable place then I think it is in the childs best interest to keep that relationship, but just because you share DNA does not make you family. I would do whatever you think is best for you family and your child.....I've had my fair share of advise from so called "professionals" who have little life experience and are just following the latest trends in pop psychology.......common sense goes along way. The open adoption trend is fairly new, I'm not a big fan of it myself. The behavior problems following visits is very common. I am just consistent in disicpline with these behaviors, they will not be tolerated---time outs and early bedtimes are common here on Tuesday evenings!!! Good luck I'm sure you will be able to work this all out in time. christie

Just thought you might want to see if a sibling bond really is worth it. [URL="http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-after-80-years-apart-sisters-meet-for-first-time-raised-as-an-only-child-mary-eckers-finds-out-she-has-seven-siblings-20110703,0,5946359.story"]http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-after-80-years-apart-sisters-meet-for-first-time-raised-as-an-only-child-mary-eckers-finds-out-she-has-seven-siblings-20110703,0,5946359.story[/URL] Kind regards,Dickons

I agree with blessed in that you have to do what is best for your family. Not everyone has the same situation. We are adopting toddlers from foster care that will be final next month. They have a 4 yr old brother that we have been doing monthly visits with. We do not plan to keep contact though after finalizing and our therapist actually doesn't think it is healthy for them either. In our case only the SW is pushing for them to have contact. The bio brother is violent towards them though and has a lot of anger issues. Like some of the other people have said, some kids don't have a bond already formed. Our children are close to each other but have only lived a few months here and there with their brother since he has never been safe for them. We do not see the need to continue to try to force a bond with an almost stranger just because they share the same genes.

Our son was adopted at birth. He has a sister two years older than him. We have an open adoption with his birth mom, and we want him to grow up knowing his sister. Because of experiences in my family, I believe it's important that we support these relationships. When he's older, he can choose if he wishes to continue them or not. The first experience is my dad's...he was born when his sister was 14. She got married at 17 and moved away. He essentially grew up as an only child-has no memory of her living in their home. She had her troubles and did very little to stay connected to the family. I watched my dad go out of his way to stay connected to her. He want that bond even though he'd never really lived with it. Another more related experience is my cousin's. She was adopted when she was 6 weeks old, 37 years ago, in a closed adoption. In her 30s, due to a medical condition, she searched for her birthmom. The two of them have little contact now, but recently she found her sister. The excitement over finding out she has a sister she never knew about, and the long list of things they have in common has been amazing to see. They had an instant connection. Obviously every situation is different...I'm sure I would not want my son to be made to be around a sibling who was violent/aggressive/abusive with him. But that's not the case with us. Good luck to you.

I guess it would depend. In our case, our foster to adopt daughter has an 8 year old brother who is placed with a friend of the bm and a 4 year old brother who is placed with his aunt and uncle. (They have different fathers.) The kids really don't know each other anyway. We stay in touch with the aunt and uncle but the friend of the bm hates us and blames us for everything. She is the bm's biggest enabler. I'm really not comfortable being in touch with her and it seems to be counterproductive. We used to get together once a week with the kids but the 8 year old doesn't seem to care about seeing his brother and sister and they don't really know who he is either. The friend talks nonstop about this case loudly in the middle of McDonald's and talks about the birth fathers around the kids, calling them "losers" and such. She snaps one picture after another to give to the bm even though she isn't supposed to. We finally said we weren't going to meet up anymore and didn't. Our fd's father has about 7 or 8 kids with other women who our fd has never even met. So I don't see the point. When she is older, she can contact her siblings if she wants to but as long as it means having contact with the bm's dysfunctional friend, no...not gonna happen.

I would think that there needs to be sometime for both children to develop a healthy attachment to their families. During this time, it might be better to reduce the visits to once a month or less because the visits are not helping them if they are having such issues afterward.We're in a similar circumstance in that we have an adopted daughter( through foster care) that also has a younger brother and we have a pretty open adoption with the bio parents and baby brother. How can a child heal if a knife keeps getting jabbed into the wounds every week or so? (at least this is the way I think about it). Let it heal and then work on developing a healthy relationship between the sisters. They have a lifetime of being sisters and trying to make that relationship work now seems to be counterproductive to their own individual well being. Take a break. Make sure the girls have pics of each other like a scrapbook or something. Talk positively about the sister, but not in a forceful way of bringing it up all the time. You're her Mom. You know your child better than anyone else.

I adopted four older siblings from foster care, they currently have three younger siblings. One is with her dad, the younger two with the mom. The younger have already gone into foster care then RU'd with mom one time. We have tried maintaining an open adoption, as my kids were ages 5-14 when they came home to me and I have tried very hard to do what seems to be the right thing by keeping contact. When contact is broken, I don't want it to be because I am being harsh or whatever in the childrens' eyes. They LOVE their little siblings, and get very excited to see them. They WORRY about them too, and being able to see them helps them to think they are alright. The sister with her dad is doing great and well cared for, the others, seem fine but could end up returning to foster care at any time. At that point, my kids desperately want their siblings home with us. They say they have lived with fear, separation, neglect, and abuse all their lives, they HAVE to get the little ones if needed and see that they will also be taken care of. ..... However, I DO have to say that the most RAD kid of the group would probably never have actually shown us that it mattered to him if we had not brought the others home and visited with the ones we couldn't. As it was, I think being reunified with his siblings through adoption was tremendously healing for him.