Setting boundaries in Open Adoption

I would create a separate account (that's what I did). And let them know you will be adding pictures etc there and that is how you would like contact for now.

Do you have to have another email address to do that?

Yes you do but it's really easy to have a second email address. If you have a gmail address you can even just use your current gmail address with +something at the end. So, say your email address is: sleeplvr@gmail.com You then tell Facebook your email address is sleeplvr+kidsfamily@gmail.com Or something like that. You don't have to show your email address on Facebook if you don't want. The alternative is to have different groups on Facebook - if you have one for your other family, one for friends, one for co-workers, and one for your son's birth family, then you can make all photos of him viewable by his birth family, and no-one else (or by them and your family if you like, OR post them twice, once viewable by each). Then all your regular status updates can be viewable by friends and other family members, and occasional neutral statements by co-workers (but you don't want them to see that you are watching daytime TV when you are at home sick, so you don't show them all your status updates, for example!)

I'll get something set up. Last night I got a call from DS's grandfather. I did not give permission for my phone number to be given out. I'll have to get that straight with the great aunt. The grandfather was very polite and apologized for possibly intruding. The call was quick but he seemed to be really concerned about us thinking the rest of the family was like his DD (bmom). He offered to do whatever he could for DS and wanted to know if we put in him sports. DH is not exactly thrilled. He was concerned that the family would be like bmom. She's not a bad person...just young and into instant gratification not concerned about the future. I told DH that I would handle it and get things under control.

That's tough. How old is your son, sleeplvr? I ask because if they live in close proximity, it's possible he'll be in school with sibs and/or cousins.

DS will turn 6 in about two weeks. He's knows he's adopted but he doesn't know about his siblings. He's not in school with any of his siblings right now but who knows what the future will bring. Bmom & siblings live in a little town about 15 minutes from our house but that could change. We are in that town all the time... It's more likely that DS will end up in school with cousins and I have to figure out where they are located since he's got a ridiculous amount of relatives living nearby. It kind of reminds me of DH's family...everyone living within a tight geographical area. DH tries to limit his contact with his extended family. It's not that he doesn't want to see them it's just he wants to cut down on the meddling. You spend too much time and the meddling begins. I already see that with DS's bfamily with all the phone calls and emails that rolled around in just 24 hours. I'm thrilled that they are excited about him but he's a little boy so things should be taken slowly. I don't want anyone approaching him and him not knowing what's going on.

Good luck!!

That is a bit too close, too soon.You are right to set up specific parameters as soon as possible, They may understand once you explain things.

Here's an update... Thursday night I got a friend request from someone who didn't even attach a message. I gathered from her last name she was related to bdad's family somehow but had no idea who she was. She also sent a tag request for photos. I ignored it and sent a message to the Great Aunt right away tellling her to not give out my contact information without my permission. So I'm off on Friday and trying to leave the house to run errands. My cell rings... it's this woman who sent me the friend request the previous night. She says her name and tells me *I* know who she is. I said wait a minute I have no idea of who you are and asked how she got my number. I made it clear that no one should be giving out my contact information because I did not give permission. So she explains who she is... she's bdad's sister. She then goes into this long story about how she knew bmom was pregnant but bmom continued lying and saying she wasn't. Since she never heard of her giving birth she let it go. Finally a year ago bmom admitted that she had DS. Bdad's sister then went to an attorney to see if she could get DS. She then said to me there's nothing we can do since the adoption is finalized...right? I figured she was feeling me out... I told her there is nothing that can be done and even if the adoption wasn't finalized she had no rights because bdad never signed the birth certificate and did not legitimize DS. I told her Bdad went to the hospital and didn't even see DS. She tells me why Bdad didn't sign the birth certificate. Well... let's just say I'm not comfortable at all with the reason or how she acted like it was nothing. She then launches into the whole thing about all the members of her family who can't have children or want more children and would love to have DS. All the while I'm thinking if they are so concerned why haven't they kept DS's younger & older siblings from being bounced around from family member to family member. She then actually talked about that. Bmom would let people take the kids and then refuse to sign any paperwork to give them custody or to adopt. That's the reason why DS was a foster child so long... the only good thing is the state had the power to terminate her rights. So we end the conversation. I had to calm DH down because he was having a cow... He does not know about her seeing an attorney. I ended up sending a message to everyone who contacted me on facebook about not sharing my contact information. I get apologies from the offenders... I think it's settled... Fast forward to today. I'm over at the cafeteria getting my lunch and I get a text from the Great Aunt telling me she talked to bmom and bmom wanted my phone number. I told her no... I will do the contacting. Why are all these people asking for my number and not offering up theirs? Great Aunt has a slight attitude that I'm putting on the brakes to keep them from steamrolling me. She prays that things work out for everyone. So I tell her I will contact bmom and work things out with her. I have concerns about about bdad and his reason why he didn't sign the birth certificate. Great Aunt says I don't think he will harm you... Hello...:confused: :grr: I keep telling these folks that DS is little and very high strung so we have to take things extremely slow. They seem to be more concerned about their feelings rather than his. I'm posting all of this for two reasons... to get this off my chest and to hopefully help anyone else looking into opening up their adoption. The Great Aunt has had my number all these years and we've never had a problem and now she's passing it out like a party favor. I guess no good deed goes unpunished. Lesson learned... Spell out your expectations to the 'nth degree...particularly regarding your contact information.

:grr: :grr: argh!! :grr: :grr:

Craziness. I would get your new accouny set up ASAP then go stealth for a while on FB, not allow anyone to see you at all. Sounds like your link, phone number and info has made the rounds. Yikes.