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I have spent much time explaining to my family that there are certain things we don't want for our children (i.e. don't say her hair is "nappy" or "difficult", don't buy them clothes with monkeys on them). I understand that these things are my opinion and how we are chosing to raise our children, but I explain the reasons why we make these choices to our family and they comply, but then they see my own close AA friends doing the opposite. My AA friends don't say affirming words about tight kinky curls, they don't really agree that natural hair is best, and they do dress their kids in clothes with monkeys all over them (just some examples of more recent things that have come up). I want the BEST for my kids! But I feel somewhat hypocritical to say I want my kids raised with AA culture all around them and then make some significantly different choices for my kids and I don't really want them to take part in these portions of AA culture.
As an example, I can't fathom how when my daughter is older I can tell her not to use a relaxer on her hair, that natural is beautiful, when our dearest AA friends don't even believe these things. Who am I, as a person who has never had to decide if I should relax my hair, to tell her what to do with hers? (The answer is "Her Mom" obviously, but it doesn't seem so simple).
What are your thoughts? Have you faced this? Considered this?
I probably sound crazy, but I feel like I am often saying I only want my kids to have what is best about AA culture and that I am the one who gets to decide what is best about AA culture, even though I am not a member of the cultural group.
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Wishing...you do not sound crazy, because I have felt the same way at times.
I like the thoughtful answers of nick and ruth. There is no real cultural cohesion in lots of groups, even within my CC environs, I am pretty "out there" within the norms of of my peers. :eyebrows:
I too have struggled to defend why I don't want Cam called a "little monkey" or given all the **** monkey clothes that seem to be the rage. I also have to now explain that speaking at all negatively about Cam's "wild" hair is inappropriate. And then I have dinner with one of my oldest, dearest friends in the world (he's AA, his wife is CC) and they start talking about the "wild, nappy" hair their three kids inherited. :( The kids all had gorgeous hair! I spent a little time going over what I do with Cam's (she's part CC, Hispanic, Moroccan), which was cool to finally have SOMEONE to talk to it about...lol.
Like Nick and ruth said, I make sure that I teach Cam what we as a family think is important, and less about what society and culture tries to dictate. WE set the norms at home. Unfortunately, our kids will go out into the world at large and see it's not like home, but by then I hope they will have internalized the messages we give them.
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Hi Wishing. :)
I am a transracially adoptive mommy too and I too have braved the hair thing. Both of my kids are biracial, but one is lighter with "better" hair and the other is really dark with "bad hair" as explained to me by a random AA stranger who thought it their mission in life to inform me of my baby's physical inadequacies in the AA culture...what is most strange about this is, my youngest is gorgeous :).
So, I always advise this to transracial parents (from my humble experience) I will preface this by saying that (and this sounds so lame in saying it...but here goes) I have tons of AA friends, and I have about four who I consider family...like...spend holidays together, in each other's will...kinda family. And we have huddled and we agree on this philosophy of raising kids of color.
So...your child's experience will always be different from other AA kiddos experience because they are in a transracial family, their view of the world will be different, they may or may not associate themselves with the AA culture, mixed culture, adoptive culture etc...it will be up to them to finally find their identity. Since my kids are living in a very mixed world they always gravitate towards mixed families and friends...this is their preference at the moment. We have had tons of experience with many diverse groups and in general they like the grouping that looks most like theirs. So, hair...I have only this advice, just make sure that it is clean, moisturized and free of knots. After that....you are in charge, until they are :)
And...I believe (and have seen evidence of) how family is more important to young children than any other cultural influence. This self esteem and measure of themselves, if developed and guided in their early youth will be the foundation they stand on when more challenging self perceptions arise. My little one's favorite things are monkeys, she loves Paul Frank stuff at first I was reluctant...but guess what, my kiddo is not a monkey...so she can wear it with pride. Anyone who thinks she is, is a jerk and will find themselves brutally maimed if they even so much as make a tiny inference that she is.
Just remember WE give our children the first image of themselves....and then others add their perceptions, but if we give them an image of beauty, pride and accomplishment all other perceptions that threaten to destroy their foundation will be hard to accept as our children will look to us for confirmation of comments and thoughts they get from the outside world.
That being said, I am really excited that we are moving to China in ten days as I am going to LOVE that they will be raised in a fully multi-ethinic environment full of cultures from around the globe... and our first friend/family we have met is from Nigeria. :)
Wow China, that should be interesting. It is never an easy road, and not directed at you wishingndreaming, but I see where some tra parents get caught up in how AA treat them "or" not... getting a bit bitter. Obviously falling for that AAs come from a one group think, or some other unrealistic mentality. I usually think, welcome to the world of being a minority, part of which is to temper oneself. Best wishes to you wishingandreaming, all will work for the best.
ITA with what the other posters said. I'm black as are my kiddos. I never use good hair or nappy. did my mother? Yes. Does my teen age son? Yes and I've corrected him. But AA's aren't "homogenous" (for lack of a better word). Relaxing is totally an individual preference. I remember back in college, an AA radical was trying to tell AA women not to relax their hair. Some could handle it; others didn't want to be bothered. There's nothing wrong with that.
musemoon: Nice about China!!
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musemoon
Hi Wishing. :)
My little one's favorite things are monkeys, she loves Paul Frank stuff at first I was reluctant...but guess what, my kiddo is not a monkey...so she can wear it with pride. Anyone who thinks she is, is a jerk and will find themselves brutally maimed if they even so much as make a tiny inference that she is.
I don't know if it is "right" or not but I think that transracial adoptive parents probably have to function at a higher standard of cultural sensitivity than people who are solid in their cultural identity. In the end, I think transracial adoptees probably have to be MORE culturally competent than their non-adopted peers.
An example, my children are not only adopted by a white family but they so far almost look white themselves. They are fully Romani according to their papers. The older one is now starting to show a lot more Romani skin tone but still they are not going to be super dark Roma. If they are to have any hope of being accepted by Romani clubs and peers, they will have to compensate. For that reason, I am hiring a babysitter who will speak only Romani language to my children, even though it has been pointed out to me by many advocates of Romani culture that most Roma no longer even speak the language fluently. I really had to search to find a babysitter who did. But I know from experience that knowing Romani is a mark of cultural status among a lot of Roma and can compensate for not looking really stereotypically Roma.
I'm not that good at this yet, but so far that's my opinion.
I'm going to take another angle on this... rethink your close AA friends...find new ones. I'm AA and have AA friends and I have chosen to not be close with AA's who hang on to the negative parts of AA culture... I will talk with just about anyone but I'm not going to expose my kids to certain things. My friends don't use nappy to describe hair, they don't buy monkey's or watermelon clothing for their kids. Relaxers are are a personal choice and my friends don't care what you do to your head as long as it's well groomed for whatever it is...relaxed, braids, or locs. I associate with like minded people because at a certain point it gets old trying to pull some people out the past or negative self-esteem busting behavior.
If you really want to keep those friends help them let go some of that baggage.
I almost didn't post this because too often transracial parents look for excuses to not associate with AA adults. If you are really interested in exposing your child to AA culture make an effort to find AA's who share your values and there are plenty out there if you take the time to look.
Very well said. I'm with Sleeplvr, expand your circle of AA friends. I'm AA and none of my friends use negative language as it relates to AAs... not in general conversation and certainly not in front of my DD. Do I know people who aren't as progressive? Yes, of course.. But if they can't be open mnded to being more progressive, I slowly (but surely) lose contact with them. AAs who insist on clinging to negative aspects of AA culture annoy me... I simply don't have time for that type of nonsense.
Sleeplvr
I'm going to take another angle on this... rethink your close AA friends...find new ones. I'm AA and have AA friends and I have chosen to not be close with AA's who hang on to the negative parts of AA culture... I will talk with just about anyone but I'm not going to expose my kids to certain things. My friends don't use nappy to describe hair, they don't buy monkey's or watermelon clothing for their kids. Relaxers are are a personal choice and my friends don't care what you do to your head as long as it's well groomed for whatever it is...relaxed, braids, or locs. I associate with like minded people because at a certain point it gets old trying to pull some people out the past or negative self-esteem busting behavior.If you really want to keep those friends help them let go some of that baggage. I almost didn't post this because too often transracial parents look for excuses to not associate with AA adults. If you are really interested in exposing your child to AA culture make an effort to find AA's who share your values and there are plenty out there if you take the time to look.
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Not all African-American women believe in the "creamy crack." I follow a blog called, Beyond Black and White. Her most recent post she is talking about hair. You might find it interesting. [URL="http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/beauty-natural-hair-will-put-perm-pushers-out-of-biddness-will-start-convincing-mothers-to-fit-children-for-weaves/"]http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/beauty-natural-hair-will-put-perm-pushers-out-of-biddness-will-start-convincing-mothers-to-fit-children-for-weaves/[/URL]As far as choosing for your daughter, I think that is natural for any parent to do. When your daughter is old enough she will choose what she feels is best for her. [url=http://blackgirlwhitefamily.blogspot.com/]Finding your Inner Black Girl in a White Family[/url]
As a biracial woman (AA/CC) who is married to a CC man has adopted a multiracial child, I totally understand your concerns about comments made about hair and other negative elements of AA culture. I would like to caution you not to make everything you do about race which I'm sure is very difficult to do. I'm sure you are more aware of racially motivated comments and things of that nature now than you have ever been in the past.
The clothing thing seems a little extreme. I remember my little brothers loved monkeys and this was in a time when it was a lot less accepted for AA (my dad) and CC (my mom) to be married (let alone have children). (My parents got married right after the Supreme Court said that a ban on interracial marriage is unconstitutional).
Think about it in another way.... Would you not allow a CC child to wear an outfit with cars on it because of the racial stereotypes associated with honking? I'm not being critical of your decision not to allow your child to wear monkey clothing, but I'm just asking you to think about it a little deeper. How far are you going to take it? Will you not allow your AA child to wear sports clothing because it is a racial stereotype that all AA are good sports? Are you not going to allow them to wear orange or stripes because of the stereotype that all AA will end up in jail? (which are much more modern stereotypes). I also think it also has a lot to do with where you live. I grew up in the northeast where the monkey/watermelon stereotypes were not as strong as they are in the south (where I now live). I remember studying the different representations of racial stereotypes in college and I think there would be a way to exclude almost all of the children's clothing due to some kind of significance with regard to race.
You also may want to think about how you are going to teach your child to deal with AA culture that you don't agree with because they will be exposed to it. You cannot shelter them from people in public who make comments or children at school who make comments as they grow up. You will not always be there. You certainly can limit the people who you are friends with, but what about the strangers on the street or the kids at the park? I've talked about how my parents used humor to help us deal with ridiculous comments made by members of both races (AA/CC). I had no problem calling people out when they were making comments that seemed crazy to me and sometimes that opened up a dialogue. I think there were times that my parents were embarassed that the 5 year old was telling someone that they are wrong because kids aren't always tactful but they spent many hours talking with us and showing us how to deal with people who do not share our value system.
Just read NickChris's response and was thankful for it. Defining 'culture' by color seems wrong as there are so many pieces of any 'race' good, bad, and ugly.Far too many other factors that contribute to 'culture'. My son is Liberian born, being raised in a family that traces it's roots to Sweden. Oh and he's also deaf.Lots of 'culture' involved in that mix Not sure the color of his skin has a lot to do with that part of it. I suppose he'll in time deal with 'deaf black culture' within the 'deaf culture'. And I imagine he'll deal with being a foreign born black within the overall black community, not to mention the being foreign born, black, deaf and raised by white parents...well you get the idea :)
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I think that there are many different responses given because there are many ways to look at the situation. I appreciate your input and will have to think on it a lot more.
I gave these examples to highlight the idea not because everything centers around hair and stereotyped clothing, but simply to give an idea. Truthfully, as my son is now old enough to pick some of his own clothes, I let him choose without worry about these constraints.
I have been reading the posts but waiting to respond until I could come to some conclusions. I doubt I can let my friends go as they are my real, been with me through thick and thin friends. Not some "friends" I made because I have AA kids and need to role models. I also don't feel comfortable telling them they are wrong, as it is certainly not my place to decide that. Then I felt guilty. Am I not willing to do whatever it takes to provide the best for my kids? No, that's not it. Would I tolerate if a non-AA friend referred to AA hair as nappy? No, certainly not. So what is the difference? I can educate my friends and ask them to change, but ultimately it is not my place to ask an AA person to change the way they view their ethnicity, just the way they talk in front of my child.
Perhaps these are not perfect answers, but as PP said, my children will experience hearing these things from the larger community. At least this way perhaps I will be there to address these things as they come up.
I genuinly apologize if I was offensive in referring to AA culture as a single entity. That was not my goal. I understand there are complexities and I am greatful for them. I probably have forgotten to respond to some things, but this post is already so long.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to share and educate me!
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Okay I had too many etc; in my previous post. Like Yul Brenner in The King and I. lolYea, I get a bit picky when a race especially mine is boiled down to to superficial stuff. Superficial is always easy. Heck, I have yet to figure out which specific African tribe I come from, to know what language or traditions is specific to me. Culture (s) is based on how, when, and where I was raised, my education, my socioeconomic class level. What I am experiencing an evolving as an adult. One aspect of cultural commonality For Blacks, is how we as Blacks are perceived in society, and that adds in Black immigrants. How we handle such can be based on the above SES experience and so on. How does certain aspects of institutionalized racism affects us. For example, the recent pew report of how AA are affected by the recession. My parents as immigrants when they moved to the states had to deal with the same issues as US Blacks. Anyhow, I guess your DS will be a part of a few cultural subsets. He will be seen as a Black child (who is a cutie) who is deaf and has White parents, then as a Black man. I have a Black who is also deaf, we recently spoke of the reality of being a part of the deaf culture, its history, and then the aspect of being Black how one is perceived. I am aware when someone uses sign language in public. I do not stare per say, but am aware. Yes sometimes a culture has its own subsets, such as Black gay folks in the gay community.
Guppy35
Just read NickChris's response and was thankful for it. Defining 'culture' by color seems wrong as there are so many pieces of any 'race' good, bad, and ugly.Far too many other factors that contribute to 'culture'. My son is Liberian born, being raised in a family that traces it's roots to Sweden. Oh and he's also deaf.Lots of 'culture' involved in that mix Not sure the color of his skin has a lot to do with that part of it. I suppose he'll in time deal with 'deaf black culture' within the 'deaf culture'. And I imagine he'll deal with being a foreign born black within the overall black community, not to mention the being foreign born, black, deaf and raised by white parents...well you get the idea :)
I did not take your using hair as an example as being out of sorts, nor was it offensive. I find those who ponder and discuss is genuinely thinking about whats best for their child vs avoidance. It does seem hair and such is the only thing one talks about doesn't. lol But talk on deeper topics are not as easy, also for many Whites, hair and skin and such is all new territory, thus its a question asked over and over. No worries. Now I do note some CC folks who are big on the "culture of Blacks" or any minority like to the ninth degree..that makes me cringe. I did want to warn you that hair can be a touchy subject. We recently found out that my dh has a significant background of Native American history. We are not sure of the specific tribes) as yet. I teased him about buying a Sioux themed cookbook, he looked at me as in are you serious? lol I understood his reaction since I love to research stuff, he was hoping I was not going to sign us up for the next local pow wow, or something to that extent. :-) One thing that I wanted to emphasize is this: What we teach my own kids, people even Black people have differences. It does not make them horrible, nor do they need to feel ashamed (Black person burden) if they do not vibe the same way, it makes the person human. Monkey clothing:My teen has a t shirt with a monkey on it, he is old enough to deflect off any negative comments that may come his way. My five year old has a robe with a monkey on it, that's it for now. My understanding on the monkey clothing is to not set up a young child for any off the wall comments. Some feel strongly vs not too concerned, some err on the side of caution.Friends:If they are very close, its not about needing to lecture on hair. The same way you posted on here, talk to your friends about how you feel. If they are your true friends,then they will understand your wanting to protect your child a bit longer.
Wishingndreaming
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I think that there are many different responses given because there are many ways to look at the situation. I appreciate your input and will have to think on it a lot more. I gave these examples to highlight the idea not because everything centers around hair and stereotyped clothing, but simply to give an idea. Truthfully, as my son is now old enough to pick some of his own clothes, I let him choose without worry about these constraints.I have been reading the posts but waiting to respond until I could come to some conclusions. I doubt I can let my friends go as they are my real, been with me through thick and thin friends. Not some "friends" I made because I have AA kids and need to role models. I also don't feel comfortable telling them they are wrong, as it is certainly not my place to decide that. Then I felt guilty. Am I not willing to do whatever it takes to provide the best for my kids? No, that's not it. Would I tolerate if a non-AA friend referred to AA hair as nappy? No, certainly not. So what is the difference? I can educate my friends and ask them to change, but ultimately it is not my place to ask an AA person to change the way they view their ethnicity, just the way they talk in front of my child.Perhaps these are not perfect answers, but as PP said, my children will experience hearing these things from the larger community. At least this way perhaps I will be there to address these things as they come up.I genuinly apologize if I was offensive in referring to AA culture as a single entity. That was not my goal. I understand there are complexities and I am greatful for them. I probably have forgotten to respond to some things, but this post is already so long.Again, thank you all for taking the time to share and educate me!