If you were asked to be at the birth...

If this is her first full-term baby, she may very well deliver early. Many women have their first babies a couple weeks early, with no negative consequences. I wouldn't be afraid to bring up the subject of shopping for baby clothes with this young woman. If I were in her shoes, I'd jump at the chance to help pick out the clothes my soon-to-be-relinquished son would be wearing in infancy. In fact, even though I relinquished during the Baby Scoop Era (which was closed tighter than a drum), I was allowed to send my son's parents the clothes and baby supplies I'd bought for him during the pregnancy. (I gave them the most darling, very tiny genuine Levi blue-denim jacket that you ever saw. I just had to buy the jacket when I came across it at a department store in my ninth month of pregnancy!)

That's a lovely thought, RavenSong. I will bear that in mind. I have a nasty feeling that if I AM hanging out for 10 days I will spend the time reading work emails - because those 10 days were when I was supposed to be still at work, since we weren't supposed to travel till later! But I am also thinking perhaps I'll see if the emom wants to go to the movies, and maybe find a Y and go to the pool myself, that kind of thing, stuff I won't have time for after the birth! It's not her first baby - she has a child that she is not parenting - actually now I have a completely unrelated question, what do you think? Her older child was non-voluntarily relinquished and (not clear if this child has been adopted yet or not or never will be which is why I'm phrasing it this way) I think I have found the woman that is parenting the older child, on FB (I know her name and have a photo from a family group - it really looks like her though the family group photo is poor so I cannot be sure - no city but a "like" for something in the correct city). Would you message her on FB and if so, would you let her know about the baby that is soon to be born - I have no idea if she knows. Or wait till after the birth? Or not contact her at all? I guess I'm inclined to contact her, telling her that there is a baby, but wait till after the birth, because then even if emom does not want to see her, if it's when we have custody and if she's willing to meet, we could introduce our baby to the older sibling and take some photos for a family photo book? Obviously from the family photo it is clear that emom has seen her older child since placing, but I'm not sure in what circumstances or if either party wants to meet again.

Since emom has previously given birth, you may want to talk to her about how early or not she previously gave birth. I believe (not a medical person, just coming from what people have told me) that subsequent pregnancies are usually longer. C was born a week late. My mom says I was 3 weeks late. I know others who have gone long enough overdue that they needed to be induced. If you are there 10 days early, and the baby is a week or two late, you could be hanging out a REALLY long time; not sure how that will eat into your maternity leave or your budget, but it's definitely something to think about.

Actually it's usually first babies that are later - so it's more likely this one will be early.We do have the information though it's conflicting, as emom has told the hospital different things on different occasions, and I'm guessing she can't remember clearly, or wasn't sure of her due date.

For me, it's one of those "technically better to follow the legal aspect" situations. Which means, since it isn't your child yet, I don't feel it's your place to tell the other family. If they don't know, she might not want them to know. Depending on the situation, it might be that since they have the other child, but they don't know, it's because she didn't want them to parent. Or they couldn't parent or....or...lol. kwim? It could be complicated for many reasons. In the end, I think I'd wait til you have finalized before you reach out to them if you plan to do so.

I agree with Crick. I would NOT contact them. Its really not your place to do so. Espiecally since the baby isnt even born yet and i know your hoping the baby will be yours, but until that happens you really have no business telling the other family about the baby. If emom wanted them to know, she wouldve told them. Its not your place IMO. If later you decide its best, after finalization, then so be it, but i would not for now. As for arriving early, personally, i wouldnt go that early. I had my son 14 days late and my adopted son was born 10 days late, and it was her first child. Can you go 10 days early and then wait for 10 days past the due date for her to give birth and possibly another 10 days+ for ICPC??? If so, then go for it, but that seems like alot of time away if you ask me. Good luck, i really hope things all work out. God bless, Rach

Thanks guys, great advice as usual. Even after we have custody, the baby won't be our child - so not our place to contact until we are the legal parents (long after we return home obviously, but we are hoping for return visits to see birth family anyway). I am pretty certain the other family know about the baby, though, as thinking back the family photo was taken when she would have already been obviously pregnant. So it's not so much a case of "telling her there is a baby" but "telling her we are parenting the baby" (hadn't thought of that when I posted earlier). I'm looking at a long wait in state anyway for another reason I won't go into, and the SW is very keen that I'm able to care for the baby in the hospital (more important than the actual birthing room, she thinks), and I'm happy with that to be honest.

Not trying to be a total debby-downer...but with our recent failed placement I wouldn't go out early. The situation we had the emom was very needy, with texts and taking her to Dr. appts, hanging out before hand, etc. Ours was a family friend, who wanted us at the hospital to care for baby boy after his birth. So we did. She changed her mind 2 days in. I have no idea how sure you may be that she will follow through with her adoption plan. We felt that this particular emom was sure about her adoption plan,and did not have the resources to parent although we tried to provide plenty of opportunity to help her find them. For us we can't go through that again, no more hospital time for us. You need to figure out what you can handle if she ultimately doesn't place. It's been MUCH more difficult emotionally for us to heal after the great lengths we went for the emom throughout the pregnancy, birth, and days in NICU. Wishing you and your husband all the best, just some things to think about.

OK so...This has all turned into a moot point because the baby arrived last night!3 weeks early, some "issues" but generally healthy (it's possible she had her dates wrong/the earlier of the due dates on the medical records was actually correct).We fly tomorrow but arrive really late as that was the only flight we could get, have been speaking on the phone to the mother today!She seems at peace with her decision, though seeking reassurance on how open we want to be (which for us would probably be annual visits, due to the distance) - and we also know from her and from the social worker that CPS will get involved

well, i guess everything DID work out for the best. I hope baby is doing well and your flight and everything goes smoothly from here on out. Yah!!!! Congrats!!!

Oops that reply got cut off! We have not yet arrived but have heard from the agency worker that the baby is still in hospital, mom has been discharged, we meet the baby and mom in the morning!

Congrats.... Make sure you update

Well we are in the NICU but waiting to be discharged.Baby was a teeny bit premature but a reasonable weight, we had to wait for a couple things to be checked out, and we should be leaving later today (but we'll still be in state, obviously).He is obviously GORGEOUS and a very quiet baby (there are lots of much more premature babies around and some of them are screamers!).We have decided to move to another city in state while we wait to travel home (hubby may need to leave very soon as with the early arrival he left work hanging), as I have a very good friend in that city, and the agency is there for paperwork etc.We met with the birth mother at the hospital yesterday, she has signed TPR and it is not revocable in this state, but we still have birth father to file on, and I don't quite understand the procedure here.It was lovely to get some photos with birth mom, us and the baby for his baby book, we were hoping her dad (baby's b-grandfather) would be able to come too but we need to come back to this city to fly home so we hope that can happen then. GF was busy yesterday and day before, but yesterday we were supposed to see b-mom at the hospital but she kept changing the time and then didn't come. I am not sure if she just has a lot going on, or if she is taking some space because she's finding it too hard to see him right now.We may be working out an open adoption agreement with the agency and the b-mom, I am a bit nervous about this as the b-mom has suggested some things that we would probably not be able to do (we'd love to, but we would not be able to commit to them).

I agree with KLLO8. My friend went through the same sort of thing. The birthmother was lonely and my friend got very caught up in her saga. She drove to another state to be there at the birth per birthmother request, even allowed them to leave the hospital with baby..and then revoked. Poor fella is now living is squalor. Don't overinvest until you know it's a sure thing. We didn't quite make it to our son's birth (we were in baggage claim!).but that was ok. Hope it all works out for you!! oh yes, and don't promise the birthmother too much. I have seen people do it, then sort of want to let it go after the baby is home but can't. It's hard to know how you will feel until after you have your baby. Good luck!

We would be at birth if emom asked us. Even though that she could change her mind after birth we would still support her since we believe that everything in life has a purpose.