Bonding with a child of a different color

They are your child, not a race. I will say that the biggest transition for me as a transracial adoptive mom is that I no longer was the white mom of minority children -- I became a member of a minority family. It shifts your entire world view.

I agree with this 100%. (I often agree with what Jensboys has to say! :) ) It definitely changes your view of the world. That hasn't just been true for us, but for my parents as well. But as far as bonding is concerned, it made no difference whatsoever. He's my baby.

And now I'll agree with OakShannon! :). My DH and I are an interracial couple. So even if we'd had a biological child, I was going to be the mom of a child who is at least partially a different race than me. Being a part of this family-both before Peanut and after-HAS changed my world view, but like OakShannon pointed out, it's been cool to see how it's also changed the rest of my family and friends. It hasn't really had any effect on our bonding, though. I bonded with my baby, pure and simple.

Interesting........ In our home, we used to say 'race' many years ago; but now, we say, 'different ethnicity'....because that's what we're really talking about, aren't we? There is only ONE race---human race. The different beautiful hues, etc are only the change in ethnicity. All of our children are 'non-white'. We hoped for and adopted babies that are 'non-white'.....refusing to be shown to any situations where the baby was caucasian ethnicity. Honestly, their colors made it much easier to bond. Dh and I never wanted bio children; we never wanted to pass on our genes, have any child that looked like either of us. I have to say, if you're truly concerned with how to bond with a child who's skin color is different than yours, do consider NOT adopting a child who's anything other than what you 'want' that child to be. I think others will agree with me in saying there are many adoptive parents who opt to adopt a 'non-white baby'......and try to make that baby/child/adult into a caucasian baby...or keep themselves at hands length because they continue to grieve that they didn't get a baby that looked just like them? I'll never understand that; I have to be totally honest. Wanting a 'mini-me' is just not something in our thinking process. Having a child that wasn't white WAS something we truly wanted. As someone else said, it changes everything. That's what many adoptive people don't think about. It-changes-everything. You'll no longer be a single ethnicity; but rather, a multi-ethnic family. You'll 'hurt' if/when your child is hurt due to ignorant bafoons who still think, 'white is right or best'. You'll need to have a tough skin----being sure you won't flinch at every comment made that 'seems' racist, but maybe really wasn't meant to be? (Some people just don't think, period. And, there's such a difference between ignorance and stupidity.) If you have ANY hesitation, ANY second-guessing that you MIGHT not be able to bond with a child who doesn't have the same ethnicity as yours...please do yourself AND the baby a favor and don't adopt across ethnic lines!!!!! Sincerely, Linny

And I agree with LBs! :) I bonded with my children because they are my children and truly miraculous people created by an amazing God!!!

I would absolutely agree with this. And it doesn't say anything against you if that's what you decide. Bonding wasn't hard at all; that said, I am like Linny and really wanted to adopt transracially. I wasn't sure at first, and it was a process, but that's where i ended up. It is hard in some ways, though; everywhere you go, people "know" you are an adoptive family. Questions like "where is he from" and "is he yours" are common. Did it interfere with bonding? Not for me. If anything it made me more fiercely protective; my son is the most beautiful, most amazing creature ever created. If you do consider adopting a non-white child, make sure you will be at that point: that your child will always be "the best" and that you can tell her or him, with complete honesty, that they are the most physically as well as spiritually beautiful child on the planet, and that you could never love anyone more. There is no shame in not being able to do that; if just means that you need to take that into account and not choose to adopt a non-white child.

YES! And I'll add a little funnier "view change" that I read from a poster on another thread, but definitely can relate to...I just expect babies to be dark now...sometimes when a friend has a new baby, I'm a little surprised how pale he baby is!

I tend to be most surprised by how bald caucasian babies are. ;)

ROFL I, too, have to admit that pink babies are a bit of a surprise. :evilgrin:

"Pink babies'....absolutely....I agree completely with you guys! All six of our infants have been ethnically different----brown or black babies. Recently, I actually had to shut my mouth when a really good friend mentioned how beautiful a certain white baby was. It was true, but to me, the brown/black babies are the most beautiful babies in the world. Of course I'm biased, but as the above poster mentioned, once you're used to seeing black/brown babies......those bald, pink, 'pastey-white babies' (as I quietly call them) just don't seem the same in beauty. Sincerely, Linny

Linny, "pastey-white" is what my DH calls me...and not so quietly! :)

I actually aspire to have enough pigment in my skin to be called pasty white; my cousin put it very succinctly in a way that describes me just as well: "I'm not white, I'm transparent." Back to the more serious topic, I was actually talking with someone when C was really little who has a child around his age; mom is biracial, dad is AA, and their baby is paler than I am. I remember her talking about how shocked she was that this "pale little thing" was hers. So I think it can take time to adjust to the idea of a child who looks so different than you do. I guess with adoption we're lucky to be able to do that adjusting ahead of time and know that we can.

Good point.i already had the image of a child of color, so whenever I dreamed of my baby, that's what I saw. I remember the home study social worker asking us what races we were open to...I said, "all." she said, "are you open to Caucasian as well?" that threw me, and DH and I had to talk about it. We'd never thought about a white baby. We decided we were open, but I'm happy our son looks like both of us, even though he is full AA and not biracial. Did I happen to mention my DH is VERY dark? Peanut is a color between my extreme pastiness and DH's extreme darkness.

The three kids we've parented were all Hispanic. The first time I changed my fd's diaper, I was surprised that she was brown ALL OVER!!! I don't know what I expected, but I guess it wasn't that. Really truly don't know how that caught me off guard, but it absolutely did. Four years later and I still remember that moment....not politically correct, but funny! Having said that, I love the confused and questioning looks my super-white husband and I (also super-white) get when out with our brown baby. I find it funny to watch people try to make sense of it. Having said all that, I had no problem bonding with any of the kids. None whatsoever.

Well, for an update--we are THRILLED to be the "expectant adoptive parents" of a little brown baby. Judging by his/her ethnic background and the appearance of the baby's full sister, we're thinking Baby will likely be Hispanic colored. We are SO EXCITED. God has been gently shifting our level of openness and comfort level to include more colors and shades. We are pretty sure that we might end up having a darker skinned family--and we're excited about that! I have NO DOUBTS now about bonding with our Baby. God has turned our hearts. That's the only way I know to say it. Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts!