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A fellow transracial adoptive mother sent me a question about a situation that she had experienced over the holidays with a family member. While visiting, this family member unknowingly made some racially stereotypical comments in the presence of her child (who is African American). The conversation was in regard to a crime that had been committed in the neighborhood. You can probably figure out the rest. I say this was done "unknowingly" because I'd like to believe that these comments were made out of ignorance instead of malice toward a child. The mother, of course, became angry and lashed out...making for a less than pleasant holiday visit. Her question to me was "How to better handle this situation should it arise again"? As a professional, I am conflicted, because my professional answer is not the same as my personal one. So I pose this question to those of you who may have been in this situation, or can offer insight. How would you handle this?
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My pat response is "why do you have to bring race into it?". As in, when relatives of mine say "so I was out with one of my co-workers, who is black, and we....".
I cannot say I am able to deliver the line without anger in my voice, but I am getting much better about it. For your friend's situation, I bet her family member would have talked about the story in a whole different way if an adult black person were there. Instead of making a scene, next time, take the person aside to have a chat about how offensive the comments were. It also depends on if the relatives make comments like that often, and really do think it's okay.
My kid is only 23 months, so I have not gotten to the point where she is internalizing such comments. It's coming. I fear there are going to be hard decisions made about what family members I will chose to bring my daughter around.
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I feel for your friend. We recently had to stop all contact with my mother in law over this issue (along with some others but this is what started the ball rolling). She had herself used a racist term for hispanics in front of my son, when asked she stopped but she defended her boyfriend using those comments in front of my son & made it clear he was a grown man who could say what he wanted. It sucks, but is life. I don't want my son to grow up thinking he's "better" than the rest of his race because he was raised by a white family. My son is 5, though he doesn't know what the term means right now, when he's older he will remember these people used it in front of him. I would tell her to let them know in private how she feels about it & that they just can't make those types of comments in front of her child. If they do it again I would say she would have to make a really tough decision.
I say it straight out, "That is stereotying". People will often try to defend it and make it worse, this makes me even more mad.
Sometimes they will realize what they said was offensive, somtimes they will think they were in the right. Either way, fighting about it will not help. I think the most important thing is to make it know that it was not an acceptable comment and move on.
If it a repeat offender then some seperation in the relationship is necessary. Mommy2NoneHopefully1 pointed out that she had to stop contact with her MIL. I can understand this may be painful but often necessary.
Not due to this reason, but due to other inappropriate comments I have limited communication with my mother. It is hard sometimes but I need to do it for the benefit of my three children.
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I was FB friends with one of my husband's close relatives. He made a lot of obnoxious comments & used a lot of foul language but I usually ignored it because he was young. Then one day he posted some nasty racial comments along with some disgusting comments about women's bodies. I called him out on it, I told him his comments were disgusting, right on his page where all of his friends could see it. My husband told him it was disgusting too. Instead of being sorry or even trying to explain himself, he blocked me from seeing him on FB altogether.There's probably at least one person like that in every family.
We don't currently have children but are working on it and will hopefully soon have a transracial family. I've already started trying to 'proactively' encourage friends and family to really think about there comments and ways of thinking. I try to calmly remind them when they are making racists or homophobic statements or actions. Though I have also lost my cool a couple of times with my mil, once I just don't said 'your racism is really making me mad so I'm going to leave the room before I get totally pissed and start yelling'. She was much better after that. Sadly I've had to the same with my grandparents. At least our young generation of family are much more open, supportive and just generally aware of them selves. But we are a OBGYN family so we' be already had lots of practices dealing with hateful or ignorant comments, behaviors and people. My wife and I agree when the babies to joins our family each person gets 3 chances, starting from day one. Three strikes and your out.
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I guess if there is an advantage to our little guy being deaf, this might be a situation where it works in his favor.That being said. Anyone makes comments like that around my little guy better understand they are taking a shot at the entire family, and that means they're going to get blasted.We've always 'circled the wagons" when it comes to my wife and I and the kids. That includes if it comes from extended family. You don't get to talk stupid and have it be excusable.
We've had AA and white people make racist comments in front of us about our kids, some directly about our kids. Other times, we just get the look from ignorant folks. I used to just ignore it, but you have to let them know it isn't ok, I think. Anger at something that is wrong isn't wrong in and of itself. You just have to be careful not to burn bridges worth keeping or doing some sort of harm.
One elderly man even accused my wife of "sleeping with every tom cat in the alley" since our boys and foster daughter are all three different races. I'll admit that one was difficult to be kind about...
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