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Okay, so we've got a group of 3 kids who were placed with us for adoption 4 months ago. Girl-9, Boy-8, and Girl-2. Boy-8 supposedly only had anger issues and some defiance. We've made great progress on those.
But now, yesterday, we found discovered him and one of our prior adoptees, Boy-13, with their pants down. They've been engaging in oral sex. Boy-13 has a known prior history of being abused but no issues had come up in the 3 years prior to the new placement, and we kept a very close eye on things for most of that due to RAD. Now we are coaxing all kinds of information out of everyone. Boy-13 abused some girls before he left foster care--new information. Boy-8 started down the road within 3 days of entering foster care 2 1/2 years ago and has been trying pretty hard to abuse his sister since that time. Both are denying that he succeeded. He has possibly done stuff to Girl-2 and probably done stuff to other foster kids. He goes after both boys and girls. He is probably the initiator of the current problem. Boy-8 seems to think the whole deal is funny and seems to think it will blow over in a day or two.
We are now faced with trying to keep 2 boys under 100% supervision for 5 years and then 1 continuing on for the next 5. Somehow in the process we still need to be good parents to 5 other kids. On top of that we've ended up pregnant.
We've been through some hard times in our time and we're pretty resilient. We believe we could survive this and maybe these boys would come out okay. Maybe not too. Is there any hope for them? Is there enough hope to justify the risks to the others--both sexually and via the substantial time lost with the others? If we disrupt I would assume they would have to separate him from his siblings, but I don't know if they would allow us to keep his sisters. A disruption would be devastating to both of them, especially the 2 year old.
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Ah, phooey. I hate that you and the kids are going through this. However, as difficult as it is I'm so glad that you (all, even the kids) are discovering this now with the hope of getting some help for everyone. It's so much better to get this puss-filled, ulcerated, festering sore out into the light of day and get some fresh air to the whole mess. I just wish that you were getting more support. (((hugs)))
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Ugh, it must really hurt to be in this horrible dilemma. Just try to stay strong and do your best.
We've heard more and more craziness about things counties around us are doing to try to deal with budget cuts. The latest one is that one county suspended all adoptions and plans to just reunite all families to save costs. I can't imagine why that's a bad idea.
I'd have to agree with Crick's comments. The 13yr old has *chosen* to act out. Your younger children deserve to grow up in a safe environment away from a sexual perp/predator. Line of sight supervision would be incredibly hard (if not impossible) to achieve in the best circumstances.
Do your other children a favor by disrupting this situation. If you're able to keep part of the sib group-that's great. But at least they (and your other children...AND, new baby) will be able to grow up healthy and unafraid.
Sincerely,
Linny
ETA: I'm not at all surprised your CPS isn't helping out that much. This is pretty much the norm in the CPS world...and especially in the world of sexual abuse. (sigh) IMO, not only is your CPS being negligent, but a police report should have been filed and even possibly an arrest. THAT might actually get the attention of CPS. Otherwise, I'd think you could be liable for putting your other children in harm's way.
We've had forensic interviews now. CPS is taking things seriously. The take 1 or take all approach gets their attention. They will be deciding soon which way it is going to go. We are trying to convince them that he should not be placed with his sisters even if they take all. There is no way he is safe to be around. Since being caught we have caught him making sexual gestures at one kid and trying to trick our older FAS disabled boy into touching his crotch. He thinks it is pretty funny. They will be making a decision early next week, I think. I'm trying to figure out when. It doesn't make for a very good Mother's Day this weekend.
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It looks like we finally got through to them that Boy-8 is a risk to his sisters. They agreed that he should be separated from them and that if they were to move them with him then the whole thing would probably happen all over again. So we get to keep the girls. They are investigating the possibility of a new placement for him in the area for ease of contact. Otherwise he has to go back to Texas.
We will be sad to lose him, but also relieved. With this many kids we know we cannot give him what he needs. We are fortunate to have uncovered the problem prior to finalization, which was scheduled to be completed in only another month.
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I just got the email that this thread was updated. Wow, I've not been back here in a while. I should come more often.He was moved to a home about an hour and a half away from us and remains in our state. We do visits about once a month. We've got friction with the new family over how those are done. They think we ought to let the girls spend the night and are telling us how he is a completely different child in their home and how we are being unreasonable by not agreeing to visiting plans where we can't provide adequate levels of supervision. But its all good. We finalized on Sept 13th so we're in the drivers seat. Things are going well.The girls are doing great. They asked about their brother occasionally at the beginning but now he is pretty much out of mind. I think my older daughter is relieved that he is gone because she feels safer than ever before. In the beginning she was really torn and confused over that feeling but she seems to have moved on. Their relationship was never very good.The girls are continuing to adjust well and they're feeling like they are a natural part of the family.
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Don't think that the girls don't think of their brother often simply because they are doing well and not talking or asking about him. While they may do better, and feel better!, and be safer, etc., and they may really know that...it's a weird thing. There's often a bond that supersedes all logic and reason. There may also be guilt, too. Not that any of that need be crippling, or upsetting, but just so you are not caught unaware that even years (and I'm talking 5, 10, 20, 30+...) later there may be discussions that surprise you re: what they feel.And I second what Legal said about not letting the brother's family 'bully' you; you know best for your girls.Glad for the great update!