A Request from a Birthdaughter

I am so sorry for your pain. I completely agree with you. It is what adults should do. It is an act of consideration. That, consideration, is the least that we deserve.

moonbeam, I'm so sorry. And I couldn't agree with you more. When my son made contact with me, at first, I was so blindsided with such strong emotions, and I was truly an emotional basket case. But I told myself then that I was going to move forward with reunion, and one plus of it being a very, very slow moving reunion, was that it allowed me to process those very strong feelings. My strong feelings have since subsided, and my son and I are in regular contact. I know it's entirely possible for either of us that more emotions can come up down the road that might make things difficult, but I am firmly committed to being in my son's life. If for some unforseen reason, I could not handle contact any longer (and this is not even something I can honestly even fathom), I would want to be honest and up-front with him and would expect the same consideration from him if his feelings changed. I still can't see shutting the door completely under any circumstance, but I would never want to leave him hanging and wondering if I was not able to be in touch for awhile. Although we haven't discussed this issue directly, I believe my son would feel the same if he needed a "time out." ((((moonbeam))))) I wish your bdad had the courage to face you and explain what is going on. At least you could have some closure there.

Thank you both for your kind replies. I love this site because people just "get it" and don't look (read?) at me like I have 3 eyeballs when I say (type) something. This thing called "reunion" is tough. I met my birthdad one year ago today and it was one of the best days of my life. I felt years and years of shame melt away on that day...it was healing (for both of us I think). I wish his immediate family could accept me, so that I could have a relationship with him (and them! - more family to love), but they can not. The blessing for me the past year has been to find out that my bdad did think about me and care about me (and, I hope, still does). For 40 years I thought he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me and that he must be a bad person (he is most certainly not a bad person) and, in turn, that made me a bad person too (it's crazy the way the mind works sometimes). Sad. :( I have also met extended family (aunt, uncle, and cousins) that do want to be a part of my life and are willing to share my history with me. That is a true blessing.

Some days I wish there was a magic pill that I could take that would take away my longing to be a part of my birthfather's life. I wait and wait for just a sign - any sign - that he still cares and then I obsess about it and can't do anything else except obsess about it. It's a vicious cycle - UGH! My heart knows he cares, but I get so unsure of myself and long for connection. I wish he would reach out to me with a text or an email or a phone call, so that I could feel that he is still there, still wants a relationship, still cares; if he does this his whole family goes ballistic (I'm not exaggerating - to put it mildly: they have issues). His family can't seem to accept me, so here I sit... and wait....and obsess...and wish that I could make my longing go away. Why do people have to make it so hard? Why can't we all just take down our self-imposed walls and try love instead of anger and resentment? I hope that I have a chance to really know my birthdad before it's too late...time marches on and so do we... [I am just rambling, but I'm filled with anxiety today and it helps when I write out my feelings. Thank you for "listening".]

I wish I had something magical to say that would put you at ease, but I don't.I understand though.It hurts to know that you are loved but just not enough to withstand the pressures of other family members. The other people take precedence.

Hi Moonbeam! I have been catching up on your posts....you and I have similar situations growing up without our birthfathers. In the case of my reunion, however, it's my bfather who doesn't want to meet me, but his family has been wonderful! I have so far met my 1/2 brother and his wife and family (we have a wonderful relationship and get together at least a few times every year:clap: ), also, I've met my Uncle, and 2 of my bfathers sisters. They have been so great to me and my 2 daughters. Last xmas, my Aunts actually gave me a present, my first from that side of the family! My hands were shaking when I opened it, lol! But no matter how well my reunion with them is going, deep down I am disappointed that my bfather wants nothing to do with me. Basically, that is because he doesn't want to cause any problems with his wife. Even though I do get together with his family members, none of them ever talk about that with him or say anything to his wife....I am a "secret" (even though she knows about me!). Reading some of your posts about wishing you could "turn it off" and about the obsessing---I felt like I could have written all that myself! As you have said, this site is wonderful therapy...most people in my life don't understand why I can't just drop it. It's hard to make them understand....especially when there are times I don't understand it fully myself! Anyway, just wanted to reach out to you, as I felt we had some things in common :)

Pearlofwisdom, I'm so glad that some of my posts have helped you! I know that so many people on this site have helped me from going absolutely batsh*t crazy. It's nice to be able to "talk" to people that "get it". I still continue to have hope that everything will work out with my reunion. It's been a long and sometimes emotionally draining road, but I wouldn't change it for the world!! I'm more "me" now because of this experience - pain and all. Blessings to you as you continue onward in your journey with your family! (HUGS)

[FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]When I read your post I was shaking my head the entire time. My biological father did the exact same thing. We were connected in 1999, he was more excited than I was, we had (what I thought) was a great relationship. He came to visit a couple of times, we talked on the phone at least once a month (we both have families) and then all the sudden....nothing. No calls, won't return my calls, won't return or answer Christmas cards. All communication gone. I sent a nasty email a while back to an email address I had for him, I have no idea if he got it or not, but I know I called him a coward for not having the human decency to let me know he needed some time or space. It's not like we were kids, we're both adults. I know he's the one that has lost out on not only me, but watching my amazing kids grow up. What we have to continually remember is, it's not about us. These people may have biologically created us, but they obviously didn't and still don't have the skills to form a friendship with the adult child they decided to give a chance at a better life. It's a sad, but true reality that, as I can see, I am not the only one that has suffered through. Keep your chin up because you are AWESOME!!! How do I know....because all Adoptees are!! :love:

[FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]When I read your post I was shaking my head the entire time. My biological father did the exact same thing. We were connected in 1999, he was more excited than I was, we had (what I thought) was a great relationship. He came to visit a couple of times, we talked on the phone at least once a month (we both have families) and then all the sudden....nothing. No calls, won't return my calls, won't return or answer Christmas cards. All communication gone. I sent a nasty email a while back to an email address I had for him, I have no idea if he got it or not, but I know I called him a coward for not having the human decency to let me know he needed some time or space. It's not like we were kids, we're both adults. I know he's the one that has lost out on not only me, but watching my amazing kids grow up. What we have to continually remember is, it's not about us. These people may have biologically created us, but they obviously didn't and still don't have the skills to form a friendship with the adult child they decided to give a chance at a better life. It's a sad, but true reality that, as I can see, I am not the only one that has suffered through. Keep your chin up because you are AWESOME!!! How do I know....because all Adoptees are!! :love:

Thank you for your post, ajchicago2823! It's always nice to hear when a post that I've written helped someone else to feel not so alone. I don't post too much anymore as I'm kind of done with the whole thing. I know that sounds harsh, but I have reached a point where I just can't continue to figure out my birthdad and his wife (she just plain CRAZY). It's taken me a lot of hard work to get to this point and it's the wonderful people on this site that helped me through some of my darkest days. I wish you - and all of the adult adoptees on this site - peace.

As a birthfather that met my birthdaughter for the first time (well, in 23 years anyway), I can tell you that I will heed your advice. I'm sorry that has happened to you, and I hope that there can be resolution for both of you soon.

As a birthfather that met my birthdaughter for the first time (well, in 23 years anyway), I can tell you that I will heed your advice. I'm sorry that has happened to you, and I hope that there can be resolution for both of you soon.