I just found out "yesterday" I was adopted

I am an adoptee as well. I had the good fortune to know from the day I could remember anything. This uncle who is a Doctor sounds like he has a vested interest in letting you flounder. Is he your mother's sister? If he is then she may have some pull in this. If he is a member of an association he also has some ethics checks and balances. Whatever happened back; then he is still alive now. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Look outside the box you are in. The rug was pulled out from under you. You say that you and your wife are caring for your mother who is 89. Are there any siblings in your family? If there are they might be able to assist you. Having a marriage that is tense doesn't help. I would scratch looking for support from that end for the time being. This is your time. It seems that you are beneath a lot of expectations from all sides. You don't have to be polite. Dig your heels in and seek some help with all of this. Call that Uncle up and say what's on your mind. If he has any information he needs to produce it and stop covering up. When I approached the Doctor via phone that delivered me I stated I needed to know my nationality and he came back with "you are Canadian". I wanted to choke him. It's so easy for people to dismiss our need to know. He also said "Your mother was as cold as ice". A fat lot of bigotry from a man who would have no concept about how a person would have to shut down to relinquish a child. Of course she was shut down. She was a Protestant girl in a Catholic hospital. Don't get me started about religion. We don't need any panaceas. I am sure you have had up to your eyeballs in that. Take the reins my friend and give them a shake. Arrogance is nothing new from a Doctor. Good luck.

I finally made contact with DHS-Michigan. I went and met with the adoption specialist at the courthouse in St. Joseph Michigan. Cost me $25 to apply for the non-identifying info. Another $11 for something I forgot. It will be approximately two weeks for the application to go through to Lansing and then see what the info tells me. But it does not make sense. Why bother with the Non-identifying info? I want the IDENTIFYING info. It seems like an unecessary step to me. And the lady told me if there is a prior "denial" or restriction placed on the file......then that is it. No more info. This does not sound right. I thought I could go many steps further (even in anal Michigan). I could petition the court and get a determination from a high authority?

Teddy - you are right - it only gives you non-identifying info. Perhaps because we always lived with no info at all it seems to be a bigger deal than it is to you - even after my records were unsealed I requested my non-id and found out they had nothing and was really upset because I had found out my mother had already passed away and I was hoping for anything. The thing is that you will have a starting place (as long as it is correct) - age of mother and possibly father - education - occupation - religion - perhaps nationality - perhaps a reason - and PERHAPS someone forgets to black out a name or place... You can petition the courts but you need to prove "good cause". My records in a different state were unsealed for good cause - I had just had early age two back to back life threatening events that landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks and a rare disease diagnosis and my doctors wanted my family history to protect me and for my family to know about my diagnosis to protect them. That is deemed good cause. Wanting to know is not good cause - not even wanting to know your family health history is good cause - until you are already impacted by not having it - you have to pay the price first because you are just an adoptee. The non-id is a starting place for searching and/or search angel who is skilled. You can also sign up on registries like here and ISRR.net. Kind regards,Dickons

Teddy, you mentioned having the difficulties with your wife and her focus on religion. If she seems to not understand what you are going through, you may can point her to some of the religious fiction that has been out lately that focuses on adoption topics. Maybe that will help her get on the same page with you as far as relating to your current situation. I say this because I was recently in a major bookstore chain store and saw that there was a Christian fiction section. I am always looking in different fiction sections of bookstores for adoption related fiction stories. While in the Christian fiction area, I saw that there was a series by an author named Karen Kingsbury about an adoption and a birth parent's attempts to reconnect with the birth child. It also appeared to involve sibling contact themes. It was part of the Firstborn series. The books were Fame, Forgiven, Found, Family, and Forever. I will say that I have not personally read the series. So, I can't recommend them, but you may want to read the plot descriptions online to see if they are something you can use. One I saw about Found said, "Driven by his wifes dying wish to find their firstborn son, John Baxter sets about the search. His prayer? That ElizabethҒs wish would be fulfilled before the upcoming Baxter family reunion. One strange turn follows another, but when the answers finally come, they shake John to his core. Will he agree to walk away and keep the secret of a lifetime, or will he let the truth come to light, no matter the cost?" One I saw about Family said, "Landon and Ashley Blake are celebrating the happiest days of their lives, enjoying Cole and their newborn son. But Ashley cannot find peace until she finds her older brotherthe firstborn Baxter sibling. Her constant questions to her father, John Baxter, have netted nothing. Now she receives news that rocks her world and threatens to end her search in heartbreaking finality." I will say that I have seen some other Christian fiction books with themes in which birth family reunions were encouraged and promoted and can kick myself that I didn't remember the titles. That is before I started looking for books on the topic. I do remember one was in an Amish series.

About my wife..... I have had a series of religious books invade my home two years ago. That is the same time my wife began to change. Those books manipulated her thoughts and beliefs. They teach the reader, reading them to be advesarial of those with ideas different than their own. (so she said). I think these books prey on naive minds....those desperately seeking some kind of answers. I had her get rid of those books. But the damage was already done. To her misfortune.....she gave them to her two sisters and mother. Within one year of receiving those books......her one sister was dumped by her husband in favor of another. Then after a year and 1/2 her other sister's husband left her. I spoke with the husbands as I wanted to hear both sides of the story. What the husbands told me rang true with what I had been experiencing. They saw such changes in their spouses that drove them further and further apart. They said they did not even recognize their wives anymore. They felt like they were living with strangers who's only focus was more and more God and less and less relationship. The husbands were not happy to learn about the books either. I spoke with a psychologist and minister. They told me there are some books out there that prey on the naive and those lost souls. The minister exclaimed that many people can be "consumed" by religion and lose focus on real life around them. And the psychologist said he found that the more outragious and flamboyant the christian? The more they actually doubt their beliefs. They are actually trying to convince themselves what they are doing is the right thing. This info they gave.....helped me alot to understand what I am dealing with. They both said it is hard to be at odds with religious beliefs. Relationships seldom survive.....because the religious seldom see what they are doing to those around them. (I am so upset about this....I have lost my appetite. I have lost a bit of weight.) My own test..... I heard my wife say she has never been more happy than right now. I then asked her when was her last happy momory of us? She could not name anything recent. She admitted her last really happy memory was a little over two years ago......before the books entered her life. It is my belief (hate that word now...lol) that she is sacrificing one true happyness for another.... A false one. I am not happy now.....where before I was. She claims to be happy now....but I don't see it. She is always angry and complaining. She never did that before. Maybe I will tell more later..... O well.... Sorry to use up the space here on this forum with another subject.

Well, they are just some books I ran across that may help your wife see things from your perspective as a recently aware adoptee. It is using her own "talk" so to speak. If you don't want to do that, you can always look for secular books that discuss an adoptees feelings or point of view. One I see discussed on these forums is "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier.

hello i am mara and i was adopted when i was 4 1/2. I cannot tell u what it is like to just find out about being adopted i am 42. I have always know i was adopted..in which i have dealt with my own issues lol... I am sorry your feeling the way that you r right now ...and i know it really must come as a shock because i think at any age it is shocking to find out.. First and foremost u were chosen and please never forget that . And i can tell by your post that your are and were very loved by your adoptive parents. And that will never change...At the time u were adopted i am sure it was alot different ..i know with my adoption it is sealed files from the state of ny ..I also was born in a very small town in upstate ny ..and as easy as i thought it would be to find my biological family it wasnt.. i noticed the more questions i asked my adoptive family even aunts uncles etc the more info i was able to recieve. the only clue i had to search for my birth parents was a picture that was taken i am assuming just before my adoption process had started and the picture was very non descriptive pic but on the back it had my name but for a last name all it had was an H so i knew my last name had began with h .. i then logged on out the blue one night continuing my search and came across a site called search angel i dont remember the exact way i found search angel i think i might have typed in free adoptee search help ..not sure though ...but the site offered help in different states by volunteers who help reunite adoptees with bio fam i put up the very basic info i had and i was actually very lucky ...someone on the other end (a foster family member who provided foster care for me before adoption )i call her my sister now ...had been looking for me .. But because where i was born and was in foster care was such a small area that people usually dont move or move far from ....she was able to help me find my bio sister who then lead me to other family members and they were able to fill in the gaps .. i ended up having 3 siblings i was the oldest of my bio mothers kids and none of us were raised by her needless to say .. But i will always say this ...Thank god i was adopted ..Because if i hadnt been i could not even to begin to see what my life would have been like ..I have met my biological sister though i luv her i dont like her way of life ..she has gone done the same path to a certain extent as my bio mother.. i dont know if this has helped u at all ..i hope it has i wish u the best mara:wings:

LittleTraveler.....Thank you for suggesting the books. I am sorry I droned on, on another tangent. But if I did not tell the story of "the books" I thought I was going to burst. I have a big fear now. And it is not about being adopted. I found my wife had taken money I had given her for herself, and given it to the church. I know about tithing.....no lectures please. But this prompted quite an argument because she had never done this before. We have a bank account. And in her present state of mind......I fear she will take more money and give it away. She said she is giving it to God. I told her no....she is giving it to a church which represents God. God does not need your money. The church needs money so it can continue to exist. Churches are today, a business. They have investments....stock portfolios as any other business has. Even the minister that visited my mother in the hospital said "I wouldn't do this, if I didn't get paid". This did not sit well with my wife. It was in conflict with her perception that Church only exists to minister the Gospel. Money is now the new reality at Church.

Mara4real.... I am glad you had some success. I have tried to call some of the support groups near me, the numbers were provided by my local DHS. First.....no one answers the phones.... Second when there is voice mail.....it is generic/electronic prerecorded voice that does not identify the organization in any way. I am then uncertain they are legitimate up to date phone numbers. Very fustrating. Seems this adoption support needs some leadership in my state. Non working numbers on state websites and no idea on the support groups. But it doesn't seem to be handled seriously.

After all the bad things that have happened to me in my 50th year of life......all the unbelieveable stress I have had put on me....my wife left. She left me, my sick mother and our 5 pups. She left me when I felt I could not feel worse about my life. She left me after life had beaten me so far down. I heard this screeching and carrying on downstairs. I hurried downstairs thinking one of the dogs got hurt. I found my wife dancing around in a circle chanting in tongues! OMG! I aked "what is going on here?" She told me she was doing her prayers! I reminded her we were quiet, dignified presbyterians! We do not make a spectacle of ourself in the name of God!! I also told her that she was frightening my mother and I with this sort of behavior. It is unnatural! I also asked her to make a choice......it is either that she tones down this religious fanatacism or she has to leave. We just can endure no more! So she left. I cannot believe she chose religion over her husband and family! I cannot believe she thinks her happyness is more important than any others. How can a person become so misguided? I spoke with some friends and my minister about this. My minister told me that in their experience......people that act as I described "are beyond reach" The minister advised professional help for her. But she already refused (in times past) and you cannot force someone to go to therapy who doesn't want to. So.....soon I will need to find money to survive. I will need to start selling my possessions. Everything I have worked my whole life for. And I might lose my mother to a nursing home if I cannot care for her. It's not fair to her! She should be enjoying her final years without putting up with this crap! And what about me? With all that has happened to me, don't I deserve a nervous breakdown? Who cares for me? Is there anyone besides my mother I can ever count on? Or will they only care 2 minutes out of the day when a phone call is made. Now I have...no family...few friends...no real family.... ..no job.....no health....no wealth...now no wife....and no real life....

Oh Teddy. I am so, so, sorry. I wish there was something I could do to offer you help or encouragement.

Well Txrnr.....Thank you for the kind words. But I can tell you. I always wondered how people could take their own life. How could anyone feel so much pain that they felt no other way out. Now I know. Yes this forum is for adoptees. But other problems surface along the way. I have called out for help in my community. I have found none so far. And I live in a somewhat large community. We have 5 towns in close proximity. No one "really" cares for the individual that is feeling so bad. There is no one to say....don't worry...I will help you. No one to comfort your hurting soul when you lay awake at night wondering where the love of your life is.....and if she is alright. No one to help when your house is a shambles because you can't take care of yourself and household alone. No one to talk to about how your heart is breaking. No one to talk to about how to conduct your life at this point. No one....."especially to help spiritually" and answer your questions. (many churches and ministers turned me away). No one that helps when you can do nothing else but cry for the pain you feel. Yes, I understand how people take their lives when they feel abandoned, lonely and lost. No I don't intend on doing anything. But I understand so much now. Did you notice how others stopped posting on my thread when the problems got deeper? That is essencially the apathy of your fellow man. I did everything I could think of to find help for myself. No one truely cares unless you show them a wad of money. And that I don't have. :(

First thing I would do is get a lawyer and go after this church for the recent money that they have skimmed from your wife. Sorry to offend but I believe there is a special burner in hell for these leeches. They take advantage of people who are for whatever reason not stable. It may seem bad now but if you think about how truly bad it could have become....well it might just be for the best in the long run. Nothing is written in stone and who knows what tomorrow will bring forth.

Where is it writen that money was skimmed from my wife? Anyway.....I finally received my non-identifying info. They named it correctly allright. If there was a court recorder that day? I think they were drunk or on drugs. For the parents....they said thr father was 39 at the time of my birth. The dad that raised me was also 39. The info also told he was a brakeman for the railroad and was layed off and went to work on a farm. Hmmmmm......my adopted dad was also a brakeman for the railroad...... It said that both the real mother and father were "each" half french and half dutch. Sorry....all those coincidences are impossible for me to swallow. Someone sloppily filled out this info. There is no way two grandparents on both mother's and father's sides.......each had french and dutch background....and then somehow came together.

Geez Teddy. Things keep getting more twisted for you. Sounds like they sent you your aparents info. What a crock. I'd call them and raise heck. So sorry about your wife. I hope you find some peace, and that each day seems a little brighter for you. I know that may take awhile.