Need help: disturbing behavior of adolescent

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.....I would be as saddened as you; but I think you're handling this pretty well. Until you'd know more, I think I'd try to realize this could go either way. The one thing that stood out to me in your post was that your daughter has low intelligence. That said, I'm wondering if she's seen you or another mom put diaper cream on a child's or baby's bottom? If she has, then I might understand her thinking---on her level---that this might be something *she'd* think was appropriate to do. The next thing I'd wonder is.....have you told your daughter that she wasn't to be in the bathroom with another person while they were going to the bathroom or showering? If not, that might take away some of the worries about sexual abuse too; but, I'd be certain to make that a hard and fast rule from now on, KWIM? Finally, IMO, a lot of how this would seem would be 'How did/does the five year old feel/voice her telling of the incident?" Was she threatened? Was she afraid of your daughter? Did she feel pressured to allow your daughter to apply the cream there? And is the five year old now afraid to be around your daughter? As a sidebar, how are the five year old's parents dealing with this? How is your daughter expressing this? Is she ashamed because she got caught, or real shame because she knew it wasn't the thing to do-or, should have 'known better'. Sometimes, this is so tough to determine. However, I think true shame can be understood if the child shows remorse and guilt and doesn't try to defend the behavior or blame the other child. That's not always true, but it might give you some insight. I wish you well. At least feel better in that you're addressing it right away and with professionals as well. Sincerely, Linny

My first thought, with no knowledge on this subject, was that she was helping this child, in her mind. It seems logical (in a less trained mind) to put cream on an area that hurt, if that is what happened. It does not seem disturbing to me in any way. She may not know that you don't put diaper rash cream on a vagina. My 4 year olds pretend to put cream on the babies that they are changing. Although I know that your dd is much older, her intellectual/social age is younger, right?

Linny and AdoptInMe, Thank you for your insights. I have been talking to folks IRL as well. I am feeling*better* about things. The five year old's parents have been extremely understanding and even reached out to have another (totally adult supervised etc) play date, and their child does not seem fazed about being with my child. It seems like my own child is ashamed because she now knows it was not the right thing to do. I think she is looking at this as "yet another I screwed up with something " (along the lines of, " don't wash the toaster in the sink along with the other dishes", " you need to close the car door when you get out of the car" "don't ask the neighbor really personal questions about where they were going when you see them walking out their door to their own car" etc. ) She is really challenged in her ability to problem-solve. ( And I can see that I am really challenged in accepting and being patient with that- and this may be contributing to her sense of shame about herself, which is another story- and another reason why I think ultimately getting us back into therapy will help. This incident has jump started that process.) Once she has been redirected with concrete information, she usually doesn't repeat the behavior. ("The toaster has electricity in the plug so if you put it in the sink to wash it you can get a shock and burn yourself. The toaster won't work anymore because the plug got wet so we have to go buy a new toaster"). So I have spoken with her about using the bathroom along these lines: repeating my rule that parts of your body that the bathing suit cover are private and you are not allowed to touch anyone else there. If so-and-so is complaining of feeling itchy or whatever, their mommy has to be the one to help them. Noone is allowed to be in the bathroom when someone else is using the toilet- you have to wait outside the door (Hard and fast new rule instituted in the house). She has seen me put cream on a baby's bottom and has seen other people changing babies. It is looking more and more like in *her* mind she was just being helpful, and there wasn't a sexual intent. Because of past history of sexual abuse and her reaching an age where her own sexual feelings are emerging, I was/still am a bit freaked out. I feel lucky that this happened with another child who has really, really understanding parents and it is a good teaching moment. Had it been another family, ( say, like, another one of my relatives who still thinks I'm nuts for having adopted in the first place) the reaction may have been much different and she could have faced awful accusations of her sexually abusing another child. This incident is bringing up a lot about her/my feelings about her own history and her bad feelings about herself and this is where I need to focus getting us the right language and support (I did say to her, "people might think you are touching her in bad ways like X did to you when you were 5 years old- and the ashamed look on her face just about killed me.) Just sticking to the concrete " My rule is you can't help put cream on another person" has worked better. In my gut, I don't think she was acting out in a sexual way with this child, but she has an awful lot that we/she needs to work through. Thank you again for your insights and support.

I think maybe you might need to go a little further, though. Based on your description, it didn't seem like sexual abuse in anyway, but more being parentified. Big Girls/Mommies change little kids--its what they do. She's a Big Girl, this was a little kid....soooo, its what she "should do". You've addressed the cream thing, but Big Girls do other things to take care of little kids too. You see the boundary, I can see the boundary, but it doesn't sound like she can see the boundary. Maybe some social stories about what Big Girls actually do to help little kids would help. It would give her concrete lines and behaviors so that she *knows* what is right instead of finding out the hard way.....as in when she "helps" out in another unexpected way. Plus I'm sure its a bit discouraging for her. Try to help out and be a Big Girl, then everyones upset---and then you find out this is yet one more area that everyone else "gets" and you don't so you're even more "different".