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I have been struggling with this for about 2 months. We have had a group of 4 boys placed with us for adoption 5 months ago. Their ages are 2, 7, 11 and 17. We have a bio son who is 12. Everything was well for about 2 months and then once the boys became comfortable, things changed. The 7 year old began stealing from my bio son and lying. He forged my signature on permission slips, broken furniture and destroyed things that were not his. It takes 6 or 7 tries to get a confession out of him. We were also not aware that he was sexually abused when he was younger. The 17 yo told me about it after I asked him. The 7 yo was acting inappropriately towards the 2 year old, licking him, nibbling his ear, grabbing his head and putting it in his crotch. I am afraid to leave them alone for even a minute. The 11 year old is very withdrawn and angry. He rarely speaks to my husband and me and he has been aggressive towards the others. He pulled a butcher knife and pointed it at on one of his brothers, but he claimed he was joking. He did not look like he was. The oldest has good days and bad ones. The has gotten expelled from summer school and defied my requests many times. Everytime I ask him to do something, he smirks and tells me he will do it later. Later rarely comes.
The younger boys just changed therapists so I hope that will help them. They have not dealt with their feelings about their birth mom yet and the 7 yo has never received help in regards to his abuse.
I feel overwhelmed and I mainly feel I am not enough for them. I feel they need more full time parents. I work and my husband is gone 4-5 days out of the week. These boys need more attention and I cannot spread myself any thinner. They have had a previously failed adoption and I do not want to do this to them, but I also don't want to keep them from a better future. And after the knife incident, I am afraid for my bio son as well. I fear what awaits us in the future, when they get older. I am ready to give up, but my conscience tells me not to.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
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I've not been in any similar situations, but felt I must respond.
Since you mentioned that you are afraid for your bio son I would recommend disrupting. Also, since the 7 yo is exhibiting sexual abuse (that is what it adds up to) against the 2 yo I believe you need to talk, very seriously with the sw and let him/her know that you are afraid for the safety of the 2 yo. It sounds as if, to me that these 2 children should not be in the same home.
The 11 yo needs some serious therapy, imo. Any child who would pull a butcher knife (or any knife or weapon) on another person while looking like they mean to harm them needs help.
Unfortunately, it sounds like the 17 yo will most likely age out of the system. Sometimes this can't be helped.
Talk with your husband and be brutally honest with him (and also with yourself and the sw) about your fears surrounding the boys.
It could be that if the boys were placed in separate adoptive homes where they were the youngest child they may find success.
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I completely agree with Withay. Disruption couldn't come fast enough....for you or the children. These children need to be placed in a home that has at least one stay at home parent because they will need intensive supervision. And yes, separating them would be best, IMO.
I have no idea how long you waited for these children or how quickly they were moved into your home, but it would seem a SW should have given them a trial run---for them-your dh and you. Kids with such severe behaviors need intensive counseling and sometimes, even more, in order to heal----sometimes, even just to REALIZE they need to heal.
Given the best behaviors, adopting an older sib group of four isn't easy---even for the most experienced parents.
I may be speaking out of turn and I don't mean to offend...but do well by them and yourselves: Ask to have them moved immediately. They deserve more, your family deserves more.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
As sad as it may be, you and your spouse cannot meet the needs of these children. They need very intensive supervision and intensive therapy that could involve multiple appointments with therapists in the course of a week. If your spouse is gone most of the week, and you also work outside the home, you simply cannot provide this level of care.
It is unfortunate that your social worker did not know or did not tell you that the children had been exposed to sexual abuse. Children who have been exposed to physical or sexual abuse -- and it's not uncommon -- often become abusive to others, as they know no other way of behaving. They often require long periods of therapy to deal with what happened to them and to learn not to treat others the way they were treated. And during that period, they simply cannot be alone with younger or smaller children.
While disrupting the adoption will add another layer of issues for the children to endure, it is virtually essential, unless you can totally change your lifestyle. These kids will need to go into a childless home with at least one stay at home parent, if indeed they can stay together in a family at all. A child with severe reactive attachment disorder or other problems causing him to be likely to harm himself or others may need to be placed in a secure treatment facility that specializes in dealing with children who have endured trauma of this sort, so that he can learn more appropriate ways of behaving.
Sharon