Adoptee how would you feel if you found out your birth mom was trying to contact you?
I gave my son up for adoption 13 yrs ago. At the time I asked for an open adoption but was adviced against it by the adoption counselor. No one helped me understand my options. I have always thought about my son and would die if I ever thought he didn't know how much I love him. I recently became so worried he might think this that I contacted his Adoptive parents and kindly asked to receive an occasional update. I told them my contact info should he want a relationship etc... They wrote back telling me he is fine and never shows signs of concern about being adopted. They said he is happy and well adjusted and doesnt need me. In short they dont want me to receive updates or contact them.
I am so hurt by this. I feel like if they are this possesive of him he is probably afraid to reach out to them and talk about being adopted. I'm guessing they wont tell him I have contacted them on his behalf.
Because I have no leagal rights I have no choice but to sit back wait for him to turn 18.
As an adoptee would you be mad if you found out your parents withheld this kind of info from you?
I'm so scared he will never try to find me cause he wont want to hurt them.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Did they say if they had talked to him about it?

Just to give you some hope... A good friend of ours is an adoptee. At around the same age (15, I think he said) his birthmom contacted the AP's. He said no to any contact, and told his parents he didn't want them to send his picture to anyone.

Now, in his early 30's, he has said that he isn't interested in searching, but if he was contacted he would want to meet her (them).

So, all that to say that teenage boys are a breed of their own. He may come around in a few years. (But I am sure it is hard to wait)
I'd love to think my bmom wanted information about me, and reached out. I'd be more than a little ticked if I found out my parents knew information, and didn't share it.

I think it's pretty common for teenagers to NOT talk to their parents about adoption. Actually, I think a lot of us adoptees never discuss it with our parents as children because we feel it would hurt their feelings, or cause problems. It's very possible the aparents are telling the truth and operating under what they assume is your sons wishes.

I hope this turns your way soon. The wait is hard.
i am married to an adult adoptee and also an a parent. i guess i can say only that some kids don't express an interest in knowing more about bparents until they are older. and from my experience boys/men handle things differently than girls/women. i will say my hubby was curious about finding his bfamily but only after college...his brother has never had any interest. even my hubby as an adoptee and a parent said he never wanted to be contacted before he was an adult. in any event, not to be a jerk...but i think you need to follow his parent's lead...at least until he is an adult...good luck.
re:
ellimacsab said...
I gave my son up for adoption 13 yrs ago. At the time I asked for an open adoption but was adviced against it by the adoption counselor. No one helped me understand my options. I have always thought about my son and would die if I ever thought he didn't know how much I love him. I recently became so worried he might think this that I contacted his Adoptive parents and kindly asked to receive an occasional update. I told them my contact info should he want a relationship etc... They wrote back telling me he is fine and never shows signs of concern about being adopted. They said he is happy and well adjusted and doesnt need me. In short they dont want me to receive updates or contact them.
I am so hurt by this. I feel like if they are this possesive of him he is probably afraid to reach out to them and talk about being adopted. I'm guessing they wont tell him I have contacted them on his behalf.
Because I have no leagal rights I have no choice but to sit back wait for him to turn 18.
As an adoptee would you be mad if you found out your parents withheld this kind of info from you?
I'm so scared he will never try to find me cause he wont want to hurt them.



I would be angry that my parents withheld information about my birth parents. I would have to try to understand where they are coming from. As far as being adopted, for some its an issue and for others its no big deal. I'm proud of it Smile If you guys are meant to meet then it will happen. You can try to wait until he is 18. I would try to focus on the good that was said instead of the bad.


Hope this helped
ellimacsab said...
I gave my son up for adoption 13 yrs ago. At the time I asked for an open adoption but was adviced against it by the adoption counselor. No one helped me understand my options. I have always thought about my son and would die if I ever thought he didn't know how much I love him. I recently became so worried he might think this that I contacted his Adoptive parents and kindly asked to receive an occasional update. I told them my contact info should he want a relationship etc... They wrote back telling me he is fine and never shows signs of concern about being adopted. They said he is happy and well adjusted and doesnt need me. In short they dont want me to receive updates or contact them.
I am so hurt by this. I feel like if they are this possesive of him he is probably afraid to reach out to them and talk about being adopted. I'm guessing they wont tell him I have contacted them on his behalf.
Because I have no leagal rights I have no choice but to sit back wait for him to turn 18.
As an adoptee would you be mad if you found out your parents withheld this kind of info from you?
I'm so scared he will never try to find me cause he wont want to hurt them.

I've wondered about how this dynamic would feel. It's something I've never had to experience as my a-parents were always quite open that I was adopted and my b-parents never searched for me. Still, I wonder...

As adoptees I think we struggle to varying degrees with some common issues: abandonment, insecurity, not knowing where we came from or who we really are and so on. Sometimes if we were adopted quite young but that fact was withheld from us until later in life, I imagine that could be quite a bombshell to handle. Our entire frame of reference can be tossed aside in a moment.

Now, as an adoptee, in addition to all that how would it feel to find out that our parents withheld that kind of information? Isn't that potentially heaping one secret on top of another? I can imagine some really ugly feelings. Ugh...
excited
I would love to find out that my birth parents were looking for me. I have searched myself to no ability to find them. I have Birth Mom first name but nothing else.
My son & I have been in reunion for three years now. His bfather asked him several times over the years if he wanted to meet me and he was not ready until he was 25 years old. I'm not sure why he choose that time to find me other than he was just in the right place at that time to be ready. I wish you all the best and ask you to trust in God's timing.
Sorry, I meant to say his adoptive father.
Thank you for sharing!
I was given up for adoption and am now hoping my birth mother is looking for me. I honestly didnt care about it until the last few years. Not that I didnt love my birth mother, or respect her, I just didnt want to pursue another family. If he is not interested, he will be someday.
I would be overjoyed if my birth mother or father was looking for me! It's what I've dreamed if since I was adopted when I was 5 & I'm 34 now. The way my adoptive parents acted its very possible they could've tried to make contact but were turned away. I had a unique situation b4 I was adopted where I lived w aunts & uncles & cousins after I was removed from my Birth Mom's care. The last set I was very close to my cousins & even talked on phone w them after I was adopted. A mom decided to stop that & never spoke to them again. Hole in my heart where my family should be. Always felt like something was missing. Cut off a fam 8yrs ago for so many reasons... But yes my dreams would come true if my birth family wanted to talk to me!
Unless he contacts you I am sorry but you will have to wait until he is 18 to try to establish contact. We had an open adoption that was closed almost immediately after the papers were signed by the adoptive parents. I never dreamed I would hear from my child until after she was 18. But she found us and contacted us in her teens even though her adoptive parents told her we were dead.

So you never know what the future holds. And I was very suprised to find out that the adoptive parents had lied to her. I am not saying that the adoptive parents of your child are being less then truthful to you but you never know. I find it sad that your son's adoptive parents will not give you updates on him. In fact I find it cruel. What harm would it do to give you an update and pics a few times a year?

Anyways......good luck in the future.
I would be estatic if my birth mother contacted me. I have never seen her, I was 3 months when I was taken from her by the County Welfare Dept in 1951 and she disappeared after that. My adopted mom has always been very supportive of my search to find my mother, and she has "adopted" all my other siblings, half siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews that I have found over the years - including my nephew who is in Arizona Prison - she writes to him weekly. I consider myself very fortunate to have her, but I do have a longing to find my birth mother and I've been searching for her since I was 16 (1966).
This is a Great question, and one that has run through my mind a thousand times... How would I feel if one of my birth mother or family members contacted me, we'll first after picking myself up off the floor and calming my heart.. I would love it, sure it would be a little scary but WOW!!

Smile
I would welcome the opportunity to have family, almost any family.

Having searched for more than 60 years I know it's not going to happen. BUT, if it did, yes..I would welcome it.

I wish you the best.
All times are GMT. The time now is 9:28 am.
TOP