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My son was 2 days old when he came to live with us as a foster child. He was born testing positive for cocaine & marijuana. Alcohol use is strongly suspected. Birthmom told the hospital when she was admitted to give birth that she was a prostitute & she has no idea who dad is. She smoked marijuana on her way to the hospital to ease the pain. She is usually homeless & hasn't seen him since birth. We have adopted him & he has always known he is adopted. Tonight he had a HUGE melt down & was mad at me & said he wanted his other mom back. This is the first time he has ever said anything like that & I know he was just saying it because he thought it would hurt me but after we talked about his temper, etc. he sobbed & said he just wants to know about his other mom & wants to make sure she is all right. He asked where she lived & I was honest and told him I didn't know but she is in jail a lot because she has a drug problem. I just don't know how much he should be told at his age (9). Any advise would be much appreciated. Thank you. My heart breaks when he is upset like this.
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Another adoptive mom I know says she has a book about her daughters' birth mom which includes the story of how she came home to her adoptive family. It has all the details including the ugly ones like abuse history. She adopted around 1 years old and has read her the book ever since. She said her dd asked questions wanting more and more detail as she gets older, but kept it as vague as her questions, so the story became more "mature" as her dd matured. DD read and reread the story on her own or with her mom many times. As unpleasant as some of it is, it was the story that belonged to her. Anyway, not sure if that helps, but good luck.
At 9, I think he's old enough to know the truth. As a matter of fact, I'm a believer in age-appropriate truths at all ages. At 6, dd knows that her father is dead and her mother is in prison. At her age, I tend to not give too many details, but I matter-of-factly answer any questions that she has. I figure, if she can formulate an honest question, she deserves an honest answer. I've also found that, when she says stuff like your son says, she is often lashing out because she is feeling insecure. She wants to hurt me because she sometimes questions things...she wonders if it is her fault that she's not with her mother...like maybe something is wrong with her that made her not important enough for her mother to take care of. So, if there is something wrong with her, I might stop loving her. It took forever to get this puzzle put together...and it breaks my heart for her to feel these things.