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Hi, I am new to the forums, but decided I needed to seek support. On November 13th, 2012, I gave birth to a 6 lb 11 ounce little boy named Isaiah Matthew. I am actually typing this in the hospital while he lays on my chest. He is beautiful, and I fell in love with him immediately. I want nothing more then to take him home with me tomorrow morning when I am discharged from the hospital, instead I am choosing to give him up to a loving family who I know can take better care of him at the moment than I can. My full story is below:
I did not find out I was pregnant until I was 7 months along, I have always had irregular periods, and gained almost no weight until then. I told the father, who was and still is EXTREMELY supportive. We are both in college however and realized that we are not capable of taking care of a child in the way that he needs to be taken care of. We also have no real family support.
We knew the only real option was adoption, so we began to look online for agencies. I found one I loved and after we talked about it together we approached the agency. Our counselor is a very sweet woman, energetic about her work, and you can tell she actually cares about you and your child. We worked as a unit to pick out an adoptive family, and after looking through the options, we settled on one particular family. We've talked to them by phone several times, but have been unable to meet them in person as we do not live in the same state, and I really like them. They are amazing people, and I am happy with my choice.
I suppose the problem is that the longer I spend with Bump, that was my nickname for him when he was in the womb, the more attached I am growing to him. He is beautiful, and sweet and amazing to look at. Today at 9:30 a.m. I will be surrendering him to the adoption agency, so that he can be placed with his adoptive family when the 10 day waiting period, required by my state's law is over. I will not see him again until I go to meet his adoptive parents in person when they take him home with them on that tenth day.
I have cried these last two days in the hospital, because although I know it is the best thing I can do for him, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Bump's father has stayed in the hospital with me the entire time, and we are both saddened by the situation. I wish there was a way that I could hold on to him just a little longer, but I know that is not my reality right now. I have taken plenty of pictures and videos of him here in the hospital, and will take a few more in the morning, before we leave, but this is soooo difficult.
Our adoption IS open, which includes pictures, cards, gifts, and eventually visitations, but I know that everyday that he is not a part of my everyday life, is a day that I will feel as if some part of me is missing. Every moment that I can not hold him, or smell his sweet little baby scent, and feel his hair against my face, is another moment where my heart will leap out of my chest and fall to the floor in sorrow. I am so saddened by this situation. I am simply looking for support in this very difficult time. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am sorry it is so very long. Would love to hear your adoption stories and how you all are handling your emotions.
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Hi,
I am a birthmother too. You are taking great courage in giving up your baby. I just wanted to ask you to find people that you can talk to about this, especially after you and your baby are physically removed from each other because unfortunately it is hard, you will still carry your baby emotionally and it is helpful to have people that you can talk to and cry with, it is great the birth father is hanging in there but the more people you have to support you the better.
your not alone.
Nikki
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Thanks Paige and Nikki. I placed him in the arms of my adoption counselor yesterday, and watched her drive away, his father and I both cried. I KNOW it's the right thing to do, I really don't have any other options, but when she put him in the car seat, he started crying, and this was the first time that he'd cried and I couldn't soothe him. It was really upsetting.
I don't really have a lot of close friends that I can talk to, most of them decided to judge me for my choice (to place him up for adoption), so right now the only person I can really talk to is Matt's father. I know with time I will be okay, and I know this is not a forever goodbye, it's just a see you later, if you will. In fact, I get to see him again in two weeks so that I can meet his adoptive parents face to face. I just never knew how hard this would be.
You should see if you can get some emergency counseling (like today) to help you sort through all of the emotions you are experiencing right now. The main thing to be aware of, though, is that once the revocation period is over, it is done. You can't change your mind. However, if you decide to put things on hold now, you can ultimately change your mind and choose to place your son for adoption in a month or two after you've had more of a chance to process things. I'm an adoptive parent and I would have been devastated to think that my son's birth parents did something they didn't want to do because they were afraid of hurting my feelings. I would have preferred to deal with the pain of a placement falling through than knowing that my son's birth mother didn't want the adoption to go through, but was afraid to say something. Take the prospective adoptive parents out of the picture and do not consider them at all when you are deciding your course of action. They will cope and, regardless, it's not your responsibility. Right now, this is about you and your son. I don't know your reasons for choosing adoption, but adoption is no guarantee that he won't have to struggle. This is completely up to you, but my advice is to revoke your consent and get your son while that is still an option. At that point, at least your options will be open and you can make a decision that you think is best for you and your son. For now, the only way to keep your options open is to get your son back. Good luck - this must be such a hard place to be in.
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Another perspective from an amom. Like tacosalad said, the PAPs' feelings are not your problem or responsibility. I agree, too, that I would never want to think that my son's bparents wanted to change their minds and parent him and did not feel as if they could.
Remember that finances are temporary. You can check with your college and find out if you can get into family housing (many colleges and universities have this), how this will increase your options for financial aid, etc. Just because you may struggle financially now does not mean that your child is better off with someone else. He may not have to want financially, but he will not have you. And there is no guarantee he will never want financially with an adoptive family, either.
If you really believe adoption is the right thing for you and your son, or if you think it might be, get some unbiased counseling quickly. If you only want to protect the PAPs feelings, call the agency and tell them you want your son back. The PAPs will hurt, yes, but again, that is not your responsibility.
MattsMom, if I understand you correctly, you haven't signed the actual relinquishment (TPR) documents yet...right? If you indeed have not signed them...and if you want your baby back...you have every legal right in the world to go get your son. But you need to act NOW and not put it off. As a couple other posters pointed out, it might be a good idea to parent him for a few weeks and then re-evaluate the situation. You can still place him for adoption at that point if you feel like you can't handle raising him.
It gets worse. Matt's father who was always very supportive of me, now appears to only have been supportive as long as I was giving him up for adoption...Now that I am considering keeping him, he is very anti keeping him, and keeps telling me it would never work, even though I have secured a decent plan.
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You're in a rough place, but this is a decision you have to make for you and your son. While his father is obviously involved, you can't make this decision based on concern for the father or the prospective adoptive parents. Try to think of yourself in 10 years and whether you will regret not pursuing parenting because of this lack of support. Perhaps adoption is the best plan for your son and you, but your motivation behind that has to be your son's best interest and not avoiding conflict. I still think that revoking your consent and getting your son back is your best option so that you can make an informed decision without the pressure of a deadline over your head. Adoption is forever and you don't want to end up in that situation only because you weren't able to decide in time. There is nothing wrong with parenting for a short while while exploring your options and emotions and ultimately choosing adoption. But the opposite doesn't work - you can't choose adoption for a couple months and then ultimately decide to parent. It sounds as if you are uncertain enough in your decision that you should go with the option that gives you more choice. I do think that if there is enough time, sitting down with a counselor and talking through this would be a good idea. Your son's father may or may not come around - remember he is also in a vulnerable place and may not be his "best self" right now. Good luck with everything and keep us updated.
You should never give your baby up before meeting the adoptive parents and until you are sure that they will allow an open adoption. There are some really mean, uncaring, selfish adoptive parents out there, I know. They may not care at all about your feelings and they could raise your son to believe that a birth mother is a nothing thing. I have recently communicated via email with my birth daughter and this is what she said to me basically, that she didn't owe me anything, not a hi, hello, a hug, nothing. She is 22 years old now and knows how much I had been looking forward to seeing her again.If I were you I would keep my baby unless I met the adoptive parents and made sure they were very kind, considerate people who will not shut your son out of your life forever. If you just let an agency make this decision for you you are making a mistake. You should pick out the adoptive parents yourself. Meet them first and then once you feel comfortable only then should you give them your son. Be very careful. There are a lot of mean, selfish adoptive parents out there who only think of themselves.
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