Are these feelings normal??

I have only communicated with my mother via snail mail and email. And, yes, it has been a bit over a year since I first contacted her. How am I dealing with it? Overall, I'm doing well. At first it was overwhelming. I would wake up thinking about her, and I would go to bed also thinking about the situation. It consumed my days. (I think that is fairly typical during the initial "reunion" phase.)I accept that she clearly, at least at this point, is unable (for whatever reason) to connect with me. That doesn't mean that I never become saddened or angered by her lack of communication. Like you, the picture thing upsets me. Clearly, it means far more to us to receive pictures. It isn't just about seeing our mothers. It's about, hopefully, seeing ourselves in someone else, which is something most of us have never seen. Moreover, WE shared OUR pictures. Quid pro quo, mommas!And, I was upset that my mother did not respond to a picture I had found of a grandparent. I wanted to confirm that this was a relative. Total Silence.Then, I asked ONE medical question. Again, Total Silence. (This really upset me because she had promised me medical information, and she had said that she understood the need for that information. I think she will still give it to me. I'm just going to have to send her a medical form. I'm guessing she just didn't want to do it piecemeal, but we shall see if I am right.)I mentioned to a b-mom (not my b-mom) that I couldn't believe she was ignoring me. At the very least, she should have told me that she wanted me to leave her alone. And, the b-mom said, wisely, that my mother probably couldn't bring herself to send her daughter away again.... Now, that is not what I think is happening to you--yet. It's too soon to tell. But, those words helped me to take the sting out of what was happening.

So, Ive decided to chime in here. Firstly I am a female adult adoptee. I have had and continue to have comms with my bmum. But a couple of things still happened. The photo conversation rings true to me. I sent a photo of myself and my sons the day after we first spoke. She never mentioned it, never sent a photo and to this day ( alomost 3 years on) hasnt offered one. I have asked several times. Now Im no expert but I think they dont send one because they feel they'll be judged by us. Because they are older now and suddenly they realise thats what we'll see. Of course none of this matters to us but I think that's what goes on for them. If we are in late 40's to 50 then they are around 70. I could be wrong. I met a releative at her house once, she said she would like a photo as my bmum had none. Clearly that photo has been discarded. And I do believe unless you are adopted ( or something like it) you cannot understand what wanting to see a reflection means to us and to play that card to get the photo - I think not........

Annom,I understand them not wanting to send pictures of themselves at an older age. That would certainly play into your theory. But, they certainly could share pictures of themselves at younger ages. Since my mother doesn't even want to let me know if certain pics I have found our of relatives, there is definitely more at play than the aging process for my mother.

Yeah this whole picture thing really isnt fair for bm. whatever the reason, I think it is wrong for them not to send. I dont feel it is asking much at all, but that is just me and my feelings... It has been 5 weeks since my last phone conversation and I understand I have to be patient, but part of me wants to call her and ask what is going on. I am the type of person who wants to know truth and then i can deal with it. I probably will not call since bm husband may answer and at this point I am not sure he is supportive of her knowing me. -that is one of the reasons I am thinking she hasnt called. It is hard to just say she has been busy.....that really isnt a good excuse to not call you b-daughter (I guess that is all I am) after 50 years....it is almost like I am being rejected and part of me wants to reject her now. Of course I will answer her call and would love to meet her but it is hard to grasp. let me ask all, Mothers day is coming up and I know I am not sending a card, but is it wrong to not acknowlege her? even though I dont feel those feelings towards her..

There are no right or wrong answers. We are all treading on fairly new territory. Last year, I didn't know what to do, and my mom ended up emailing me information on Mother's Day about the events surrounding my birth. Since she was obviously thinking about me on that day, I just shot her a quick happy Mother's Day email.I don't know what I am going to do this year. I don't want to disrupt her family's Mother's Day festivities by reminding her on the day that I am out there. But, again, she already knows, and I know that she will be thinking about me. So, I do plan to shoot her a quick email, but I haven't decided if I will do it on Mother's Day or the day after. I just don't know. I know that she won't be thinking about me every moment of the day, and I don't want to remind her about me (via email) at a moment that she is simply enjoying her time with her family. So, yeah, still deciding between Mother's Day or the day after.

I would haved loved to recieve a Mothers Day card from my bdaughter, but alas after 16yrs of reunion I am still not worthy. She wont even friend me on fbook, ( I haven't dared resend a friend request since the first time, which was about 5 years ago ) but she has friended my raised children. Quite poignant I suppose. But don't get me wrong...I am happy she has with her half siblings, and as some of you may know one of my raised daughters is actually living with her at the moment. I am rambling...just wanted to say how much I would have loved a mothers day card.

(((((Susieloo))))) Susie, this Mother's Day is killing me. A few days ago, I fell into this deep funk and couldn't figure out why. I've been breaking down in tears without understanding why this past week. And then yesterday, my partner pointed out to me that I'm getting bombarded with advertisements on Facebook for Mother's Day. Even the game I play every day has a Mother's Day theme. My son told me a few months ago that I am not worthy of even thinking of myself as a mother, much less saying the word. Charming...eh? My world came crashing down around me. I don't know if his meds need to be adjusted, if he's using drugs once again, if he's become a drunk...I just don't know. The only thing I do know is that it hurts like hell, like nothing I've ever encountered before in life. I'm really beginning to think that I never really knew him, that somehow he kept his true, authentic self a secret from me these past 23 years in reunion. The mask came off, and there stood one of the cruelest men I've ever encountered. He's been trying to turn my siblings, as well as my niece and nephew, against me. I've never seen anything like it.

Well I understand being on the recieving end of that type of behaviour...from my husband of 24yrs ( Now ex ) When all you want to do is love it is a nightmare to discover yourself in. You just have to remember those behaviours are all about THEM and not YOU!!!! Its is all all their feelings of inadequecy coming to the fore....so hey lets make someone else ( often the ones they love ) feel just as c**p! Projected identification...so we really have to feel sorry for them.

RavenSong and Susieloo... the "mask" comment rings true for me. That is just what it feels like.. I have been confronted with the anger and deep wounds underneath when the mask was dropped, (which my daughter still denies). They weren't noticeable in her charming, well worded letters but were in her eyes when I met her. I was lucky I found out early in our reunion. If it had been latent and I became a victim for her to take things out on for years it would have destroyed me - like using Facebook as a torture tool for instance. Now I tell myself that her life choices as an adult are not my responsibility. It is not my fault if she is unhappy with her life. We all have to take responsibility for our own mental health and not take our issues out on others. This Mother's Day I stand up in courage, take responsibility for decisions I have made and if I am not going to have a relationship with my birth daughter then that is a part of life. We cant all have what we want if another doesnҒt want to give it. Lots of mothers who raise children are betrayed by them and shut out. Do something good for yourself on Mother's Day. Be proud of being courageous women who are Mothers! :love:

Hi! I just found my birthmother last June & i went through a lot of the same emotions. My birthmother had found a post I posted on the internet looking for her years ago and responded to it through email. I didn't really know how to take it and at first i thought it could be a scam or something. When we started talking and she added me on facebook I immedietly felt a connection. I had never seen anyone that looks like me before. It was the best feeling in the world. There is no reason to be sad or feel any pain. It is ok to cry! I cried a lot too! be happy that you found her and will hopefully be in reunion with her soon! best of luck to you! everything will get better!

Hi all - just found this thread and wanted to add: (((((sharilynnW)))) I contacted my bdaughter in 2007 and she is the one that did/does not want contact. I did give her ALL medical information, info surrounding her birth and sent pictures of what I looked like when she was born (1969) and present day photos of myself. I didn't have anymore children- wish I had - maybe she would have contacted them!! Oh well! I still wait 5 years since her "don't contact" me again letter... sharilynnW - anymore updates from you? I see your last post was about early June (??)! Hope all is well with you and the other adoptees that posted on here earlier! Good luck everyone!!

L@@king2,I'm glad that you did the right thing for your daughter by giving her an up-to-date medical history. And, it was lovely of you to give her pictures of yourself.I'm sorry that she did not want contact with you.

Hi L@@king2, First I am sorry your daughter doesn't want contact at this time. It was great that you went ahead and sent her the health history and some photos. I am sure she appreciates it. (if not now, in the future I am sure). You never know what is going on in her life and the thought of this new relationship may be overwhelming. I hope she comes around. For me...My bm and I talk about once a month. Last week was my 50th bday. she called and we talked about 1/2 hour. she also sent a very pretty necklace. I do know that I am very lucky she did this. my adoptive mom is 83 and I feel sort of torn with some emotions here. I know (and other wonderful members of these boards have pointed out) that I can have relationships and care about 2 "mothers" the way a mother can love many children. BUT I go back and forth with bm and my feelings. She did tell me that she will talk about my bf in future. I still don't know his name and would really like this. He has a son and she sees their family in "town" sometimes. BM also said she wants to tell her 2 sons (in their 40's) but doesn't really know how. I can only imagine her struggle, since she did say she sometimes wants to mention me in conversations and has to stop herself. I reassured her that I will never contact them so she doesn't have to tell them if it doesn't feel right for her. I am finding that right after contact with bm, I need to "decompose" for a week or 2. I feel sort of odd (if that makes sense). I really think it is loyalty towards my adopt. mom who knows nothing about this new contact. (I have no intention of telling her, don't feel need for this, especially since adoption was a "hush Hush" thing all my life) .... thank you for asking for update. it is nice to "talk" with other adoptees and especially nice to hear bm viewpoints and feelings. enjoy your day...

Hi sherilynn! on my first bold - actually, I do know 'what was happening in her life' - she was getting married or just had gotten married - so I fully understand!! Then in December of 2010 her son was born. I'm a Grandmother!! :banana: She does have a Facebook page, so I do get to see pictures of her and her family!! another :banana: LOL! When I first saw her picture - her high school picture - I KNEW she was my daughter! She looks like a cross between me and one of my sisters! So I was hoping when she saw mine - she will 'know' I am her mother! Second bold - there is a forum called [Birth Mother] First Mother and you might be able to find some answers on there about "birth mothers" - look thru the different subjects and there should be one about this! Good luck (again!) to you! oh here is a link to the subject: After Reunion: How do (found) mothers and daughters relate: [url=http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2013/06/after-reunion-how-do-found-mothers-and.html][Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: After the reunion: How do (found) mothers and daughters relate?[/url] hope it's okay to post the link!?? :confused:

Actually, I thought it was the decent thing to do, since she said in one of her letters she didn't have any medical information - thought that was a 'good' excuse to write her one more time, after she did ask for 'no contact'. She has never asked about her bfather, and I really don't know "where" he actually is, well, I take that back - I did google his name and it turned up in Arizona! LOL! But never brought myself to let him know that I was going to search for her. But when she is ready - I will definitely let him know, if she wants to. I do have some pictures of him and I at that time, so I more pictures to send her if she wants them! Thanks L4r! I do hope that she WILL want contact one of these days! My husband and I are thinking of moving to Europe, but she does have my email address, which will never change, even if my address does!