I give up even when I do something good I am still bad somehosw

Yes, I do. I really, really do. And I've come to this point: That my feelings are valid. That I'm not bad to think better of the kid, or the worst of the kid. But, whatever *I* feel, those feelings come from a place of honesty and love I once felt for this kid. The problem is, "this kid" I loved and cared for, is NOT the TRUE child. "This kid" is someone who had me totally fooled and I admit it. This is the same kid who acted wonderfully for some time and did so---knowing---that I bought it. That I bought the lie that "this kid" was not the person he was acting to be. Instead, this kid was dangerous and not safe to be around. And when I find myself feeling badly that I was totally buffalo'ed....and I feel sorry for this kid, I remind myself that the problem was not me or our family. What we represented to this kid was honesty and love and acceptance---as long as no one else was in harm's way. When the rest of the children and family were placed in harm's way, that's where we had to draw the line. You are not at fault for any of your dd's actions and reactions. If you are drawn into her comments/feelings, you're doing so as a mom, not pretending to be anything else. Any other actions/reactions of your dd's are hers alone. If she's pretending or lying about feelings/actions---this is her fault, period. Hang in there. I does get better; but you'll come to a point where you won't analyze how you feel or what happened. What happened/happens is truly up to your dd and not a reflection of or on you. Sincerely, Linny

As you know, our situation is similar. DD was in a homeless shelter and was kicked out because of a "risky" behavior. She has since been in another shelter where she can stay up to one year. (What a terrific blessing is this!) She is doing well at this shelter because she is allowed no freedom, no computer, no nothing. She is free to leave, of course, but she will be on the streets and she has nowhere to go. She tells everyone at the shelter she has changed, etc, etc. She does seem better in fact. She is getting counseling, and she attends church. Well, she asked to come home this weekend, and she immediately started back up with wanting to get on facebook and reconnecting with her old friends. In other words, the change does not seem genuine. If it were, why would you want to link back up with the same people whom you have such a bad reputation with and, in part, because of?? It is a very bizarre feeling to love someone and not trust them one bit. Like Linny said, I think I am starting to separate myself further from her, and her decisions will be truly hers, and so will the consequences. It still feels weird. Unless you have gone thru this, like the people on this forum, you cannot understand it. These kids can really fool people. And even if they cant, no one can imagine the level of abuse they inflict and the damage they cause.

I guess my problem is that I want to see seperate myself but when I do I seperate myself from HER and I feel detached. Is that how it has to be? Or angry. Husband can't seem to detach.

For me, this means separating myself from the drama, allowing myself to step back and reflect, letting her do the same. To me, it is what I need to do, and what I think she needs for me to do as well. To me it is part of the healing process, I hope. It's like surviving a war and its now picking up the pieces, finding out who I am as a person again. Of course, there is anger even bitterness. I was very upset with her behavior this weekend, but I did not show it. She is a kid. She is emotionally disturbed. She is impulsive. Separating myself is stepping off this merry-go-round and letting her reflect. I am finding time for exerising now and doing some things I enjoy. I just got off the phone with dd. She said someone at the shelter told her that parents sometimes stop loving their adopted kids when they behave badly for so many years like she has. She was in tears and said she was sorry and that we deserve better. One day this will be behind us, I think. I am glad to have this opportunity to start the healing process. I think she is on the road to healing as well. God help us.

The fact that your dh hasn't or doesn't want to, or doesn't seem to have detached isn't surprising. Most RAD children hate the mother figure and love the father figure (or anything that ISN"T the mother figure). It's just the way it is and there's seldom any way to get around that. Your dh will have to find his own way of settling this in his soul. Don't take it offensively. Unless you've been the victim of a RAD kid, you just don't get it, and at this point, he probably just can't imagine any human that's able to think and act as RAD people/kids can/do. In terms of you separating yourself from her---'is this the way it has to be'? Yep, IMO, it is. It's a matter of survival. Just as Guatmom has said, she had to find herself again. RAD kids do that to us. IMO, they attempt to destroy anything well and good. IMO, they move into a family, morph into something that looks to be part of the family, then BAMM!, what you thought was well and good is now upside down. One psychiatrist at the first RTC who had reviewed/interviewed one of our RAD sons told dh and I: "You've lived more of his life than he has." And while that seemed hard to take; it was true. The kid didn't care whether we were pleased or not; whether he was hurting the family or not; whether he stayed in our home-or not. It just-didn't-matter-at-all, period. So for your own life, you really DO have to separate and allow her to become whatever she chooses to be. I've known other RAD moms too and your reaction, my reaction and their reactions are so similar, it's scary. These kids DO this to us. And yes, if you'll allow her to live without you-now-and always----you'll have a chance to have a life. If you don't? Well, I've also known more than one RAD mom who refused to let go. Their lives are still upside down even though the RAD kid is an adult. Their lives are still affected by whichever direction their RAD goes/lives/says/does. That's not living in my book. They become hollow shells of the great women they once were and it shows. Am *I* bitter about the RAD kids we've had in our lives? At times, yes. I consider those years-the lost years of my life. But I was lucky. Our family was lucky. We're now safe and living life as it was supposed to be. It was hard---one of the hardest things I've ever lived through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone on earth. But we survived. You can to; but, IMO, you'll have to leave her and the person you *thought* she was---which she is and was not. In my case, I loved the person I thought he could be. He never was. Who he really was never existed in my mind. Sincerely, Linny

Linny, How do you work that when your DH still wants her in your lives?

Can you separate yourself emotionally and still have dd be a part of your lives?

I honstly don't know. Every time I see her it just sends me into orbit.

I hope you can find ways to nurture yourself. I am pretty sure you have lived thru H*LL. I know the games these kids play. It can tear your heart out among other things. If you are at peace, you have changed the game. I am watching this unfold in my life. You are worth nurturing!

I am getting a massage tonight LOL