Adopting privately Hospital Questions...

wrking21, You would get more responses from a been there, done that, if you post under the general adoptive parent support. Just copy and post over there. I'm an adult adoptee and I hope you take what I say with the understanding it is meant in the right way, and I think you will based on how you worded it. No matter how much you believe the adoption will happen - up until the time the mother signs away her rights - the baby is her baby, her labor, her delivery, her choices. She deserves the right to unbiased, non-directive counselling about her decision - whatever that decision is. She needs an advocate in her corner looking out for her needs and choices, not your needs. If she hasn't had counselling then she needs it before she signs away her right to parent her child. I understand it is common for the prospective parents to be in the delivery room, it doesn't sit well with me because I believe even in the best of conditions, it can have unintended pressure for her to go through with the adoption. I am sure you don't want to put any pressure on her - just try and see if you can see how it could, and if you can keep that in your mind at all times if you are invited in, if this baby becomes your child you need to be able to know his/her mother wasn't pressured both for your sake but primarily for your child's sake. If you do attend the birth - you aren't the mother. Whatever she thinks she may want now, can, and does change in a heartbeat and she needs to feel empowered to assert that right without fear of hurting you because you have developed a relationship with a younger woman. She needs to control, and be the mother first, and say hello and perhaps goodbye. If the adoption happens - you will have the rest of your life with the child, and though you say it will be an open adoption - the time between birth and signing way her rights will be the only time she is the mother. From the adoptee in me: I hope she is the first to hold her child, love her child, name her child, be her mothers child. Whatever happens after, what the child's name is - this is a special time for the two of them. Kind regards,Dickons

Dickons,I appreciate your response, I also appreciate you perspective. We came to the adoption process a little differently than most I suppose. Like I said she's my best friends step child (kinda) when she got pregnant her mom threw her out of the house (how she came to be with my bff) she wanted to keep her baby and we were all there to support her in that. As time went on she chose us to adopt and approached us. I have and continue to make it very clear that if she wanted to parent I'd continue to support her. So I doubt she'll ever feel coerced in any way. But I do appreciate the possible pressure that just our presence may bring. She has had counseling, I insisted on that. Her choice is she wants me in the room when she's born so that she knows I'll have that bond with her daughter that comes from being there at that moment. It certainly has bonded me with other children I was blessed to be a part of their births. She did name the baby and we're keeping her name. I too want her to have that part of her mom. Our adoption will be very open and I'm sure some people say that but ours really will. Her mom is a remarkable young lady who will be a great influence in our daughters life so we want her involved as we also believe thats whats best for our daughter. I was really hoping for some perspective from people who have done it and also from people who gave their child up for adoption so I would gain the right perspective. Her well being is very important to me. Thanks again for your thoughts. C -

As I said in my first response - copy your post and put it in the general adoptive parent support forum to get input from a been there, done that, perspective. This adoptive mother forum gets little to no traffic by members - most of the hits you see recorded are simply guests of the forum - not members. Kind regards,Dickons

For us, the hospital wanted something in writing regarding bio mom's wishes with the understanding that verbally she could change it at any time. Our bio mom wanted me in the room - I was there and I tried to participate as much as I could. Basically I stood next to the bed as her parents helped her body during the pushing and I counted to 10. Then I also told her when it was time to push again (doctor nodded and I said "ok, its time!") She also wanted me to be the first to hold the baby and escorted the baby out to nursery. Our bio mom held to that plan and didn't change it. We did ask the next morning if we could see her - nurse went and asked, she said yes but only me and hubby. So that is what we did. Usually a hospital is notified in advance of adoption potential and then go from there. You will be given the bracelet for the child as well - so they need to know. Once the papers are signed for the adoption, the hospital staff will come to you with regards to records, signatures, etc. Or at least that is the way it was for us - in that birth state, once bio mom signed there was no revocable period (once she signed she couldn't change her mind type thing) that aspect may be different possibly. My suggestion is to read her body language and if you think there might be a possibility that she is uncomfortable, excuse yourself and give her some space. Come back and evaluate and try being present again.

We had our attorney send the hospital case worker copies of our pre-birth consent. Check with your lawyer because each state is different. The only awkward moment we had is that even if they have all the paperwork, and the mom's word that she's placing, the baby was still HER CHILD for 5 days. So she left AMA the morning after he was born and the head nurse called DHR about the "abandoned baby." Even though I had my own room, I had cared for him since birth and we had paperwork. His birthmom even spent 3 hours in my room with us (and the nurse knew this). But by law, she had to call. DHR laughed and said, "Well, if the adoptive parents abandon him, call me back." So it was all good. As for your "place," it should be up to bmom all the way. Make a plan, discuss it with her, but know that it will probably change 37 times. She didn't want to hold him, she didn't want to see him until the next day. She was adamant! But once he was born, her husband demanded that she hold him. It worked out. God bless!

I'm a first mom and I don't believe that potential adoptive parents have any place in the delivery room. I know that opinion seems harsh, but the chance for coercion is just way too high for me to be comfortable with it. As different as you feel your situation is, the emotions are still the same. I will tell you something, my son's mom touched him before I had a chance to and I have never forgiven her for that. Let mom hold the baby first. If she chooses to place, you will be the mom forever, she will be THE mom for a few days in the hospital. You will have plenty of time to bond with your child even if you don't touch skin to skin right away, believe me, my brother and I are both just fine with our folks and we are both adopted and certainly didn't come home as newborns. This mom may change her mine and probably will a hundred times before this is all said and done. No matter how sure a woman is while she is pregnant, she has to make the decision to place all over again after baby is born. BTW, we use expectant mom around here for women who haven't placed their children, or emom for short. No one is a first mom until after they have signed the paperwork.

We were not in the delivery room, and even though we used an agency, our SWer was with another mom who delivered the same weekend and the baby was medically fragile, so we were without her until the day of discharge. Different hospitals have different rules and different thoughts about adoption. The hospital our son was in was wonderfully supportive of peanut's first mom (the doctor even made sure we knew she'd told first mom that she could change her mind if she wished and they'd help link her to services) while still being respectful to us. I asked about a million times "would you like us to leave and give some private time? Let you rest?" And we respected what she wanted. The hospital also had a rule that you could only get one of the bracelets if you happened to be at delivery, so we did not have one. Mom had both of them. The hospital where the other mom was was not as supportive...in fact the SWer said some of the nurses said some very hurtful things to her about just "throwing her baby away because it was too much work for her." I have never, for a single minute, felt that I missed out on any bonding because I was not at the delivery or did not have skin on skin from the beginning. We're very attached, regardless. It was very clear to me at the hospital that he was her son, so honestly I would've felt weird about it then. I asked her if I could hold him that first time. When the nurse asked about feeding him, first mom motioned to me and again, I asked if it was okay. I felt like those first few days were as much about me building a relationship with her (if she chose to place) as with my son. We'd had a situation where a family decided to parent, so it never left my mind that this was HER baby. Follow her lead. If she asks you to do something, go ahead. If she changes her mind, respect that. Don't take things personally and give her what she needs. Good luck!

Figured I'd update to give our story incase someone else searched for the info. The hospital was great. First mom was great all through labor. She ended up having a very bad c sec and had no one to help her. The nurses surely didn't care enough for her and I ended up staying the night with her the first night. I did not hold DD nor did I do any feedings etc. I only changed diapers because first mom's c sec hurt too badly to bend and get out of bed. By the 2nd night first mom was much better and I left the hospital for the next several days to give her a chance to be mom. I'm glad I read the posts on here and I'm glad she had that chance to be mom. She did want me to visit which I did but not for long and I must say it worked out fine for all of us. I got to sleep like I didn't have a newborn and she got to sleep with our newborn! The paperwork and everything was a bit stressful but that didn't happen for about 4 days after our dd was born. I'm glad it wasn't rushed for either first parent.