Please tell me it can work

IMHO adopting a child doesn't "work" any more to what YOU want than having a biological child.Some people "seem" to get exactly what they plan. Some don't. Some get something completely different but lovely. Some get more or less than they bargained for.As I tell my daughter - you git what you git and you don't throw a fit.Sure it CAN work. If you have enough money and resources. Otherwise you might get a girl who you love more than anything. Or a boy that is a little older than you wanted but who a year later you couldn't imagine your family without him. Or you might have to wait a little longer than you thought but end up with a child more in line with what you thought you wanted.What you end up with is your family. So..... that's the only thing I'm planning for.

We started out in 2007 with the goal to fost/adopt a little girl ages 2-6. However we never just got a little girl, she always came with a little brother! We discovered that our family always did better with siblings as opposed to a single child. If I stuck with my original requirement I never would have had the opportunity to foster 7 wonderful kids. You need to do what is comfortable for you and your family but keep your options opened. The more open you are the quicker it will happen. We stopped doing foster care several years ago but not because of the kids. The kids were great. Working with the state/system was a nightmare. We signed up with a private agency that placed older foster kids and we were matched with a sibling group a couple of months ago. 2 girls (ages 12 and 8) and a boy who is 9. I never thought our adoption journey would end like this. I feel very lucky and a little crazy because I already have 3 bio kids at home! :eek:

Oh yes we are open. I see a lot of negative happenings on the boards about bringing home older children and it frightens me a bit. I know they can have issues, I work in the mental health field, but know a lot of the children are wonderful and compassionate and need stability.

We have adopted older kiddos (16, 7, and 2) sibling sets, and it has worked for us. Be ready is the key. Do your homework, have a trauma pediatric therapist ready, dentist, doctor, school support system figured out. Most kids come from the state have Medicaid, and your current providers might not accept that coverage. Start preparing your DD now. Going from an "only" to sharing can be great at first, but the new soon wears off.Be sure to have a respite provider (neighbor etc) ready in advance. You will need to spend "alone / bonding time" with each child.This can be done, successfully. Good luck!

sure it can work, why not :) BUT, (yeah, you know there is a BUT in this, right?), *I* would not pursue adoption of an older child from another country. Why? because you would have no chance to actually MEET the child, get to know the child, and you would probably also not be told about the real issues of the child. foster/adopt is what I would suggest. You get to foster the child, and have to have it at least 6 month in your home, before adoption. Most of the time, longer... I also would not consider a child VERY close in age to your DD, or older. I would consider a child 2 years younger, or more...NEVER older!! best wishes on your journey and decision making!!

I completely agree with AMom2011. I would strongly encourage you to adopt a child at least a couple of years younger than your present child. I also would try to adopt from the foster care system; not just because you'd have the chance to actually know the child (at least a little bit if not more) prior to finalizing your adoption, but you'll also have the resources for a lot of things you simply cannot have if you adopt internationally. I say that, not just because I was the adoptive mom of three older kids from the system and none of those adoptions worked----but because I also help those who've adopted and have found they need to 're-home' the child they've adopted--for whatever reason. Sometimes, that reason is because they've adopted internationally-the child needs extensive services-and because the child was adopted internationally, the family can't afford the extreme services the child needs. Sad, indeed. My other piece of advice would be to prepare yourselves well beyond the classes the state provides for those wanting to adopt from the system. Take matters into your own hands by asking a lot of questions. (Interview those who've fostered/taught/provided respite and daycare to the child you're considering.) Don't accept a child solely on the comments/biographies you've heard/read from caseworkers. *You* will be your best judge to determine what child will work best within your family. Don't allow anyone to pressure you into feeling sorry or accepting a child you're just not sure about. Oftentimes, your gut is your best instinct; go with it. Don't feel badly about wanting to foster a child for some time before agreeing to finalize the adoption. Some agencies/CPS's will put pressure on families who want to wait for the right child--don't buy into this! There are many children who need families and the right family for each child-do your homework and understand the education you do for your family now-will only help you---and the child who will become yours. Good luck! Sincerely, Linny

Thank you all for your insight. We are thinking of doing 0-4 yrs as our range and doing foster-adopt. We are in South Carolina and it doesn't seem like there are too many sc folks adopting. I've checked the local page here and it's not active really. Linny your posts always give a lot of insight, thank you. I'd love to hear what you know now that you wish you knew back before you brought your kids home.

First: Keep in mind that all of our older child adoptions failed in some way or fashion. I dearly wish we hadn't trusted the DCFS like we did. They lied, plain and simple--and we have the tons of paperwork they withheld from us about one child in order to place him more easily. I'm not saying that like a drama-queen. It's true. To quote one DCFS administrator: "My God! Do you know what kind of a court case you have here????!!!" I wish I'd listened to my gut-more than I did. I wish I hadn't read one of the 'Bibles' about older child adoption. It made me keep thinking I must have been expecting too much-early on, when the real problem was the child was extremely disturbed and way above our heads and really not in the realm of the kind of child we wanted. I wish we'd taken the aspect of sexual abuse much more seriously...and this haunts me today. I was well aware of it's impact; but thought counseling alone would solve issues that might come up. I wish I'd listened to my gut when I was sure a child was VERY mentally disturbed. I'd even told his counselor I suspected schizophrenia---but it wasn't really looked into. Today, there are professionals who believe this kid is definitely a sociopath and there's nothing I can do to help others who'll surely fall as his victims as the years go by. Finally, I wish we'd really, really looked into infant adoption again instead of going the foster care route. What we really wanted was a very, very young child to adopt. After realizing how difficult it was to get such a young child in our area, we 'settled' for an older child and we should never have raised our age-limit. The expense of going back to infant adoption was a factor in deciding to adopt from the foster care system and we brought this up to our caseworkers from the beginning. However, no amount of money in the world could make up for the years of **** our family went through once we went the older adoption route. If you have ANY reservations about bringing an older and hurt child into your home-PLEASE reconsider and take a step back. Raising older and hurt children (ages 3yrs and up) is a totally different way to parent and raise a family. It is NOT the same as parenting infants. Don't compare how you think your older adopted child will be to someone who's only had their (older) child 2-3yrs. Two or three years may seem like enough time to assess how a kid will be, but it's not. Instead, talk with those parents who've had their older adopted children for several years--and have lived to tell the tale. I'm not saying adopting older children doesn't EVER work-but the majority of these adoptions have more than significant problems that require a different style of parenting. Very often, those who parent older adopted children feel they will never BE as close to their children as they'd love to be because the child simply won't totally trust them. So sad...... Sincerely, Linny

Wow Linny so much there to comment on and so much to think about. We want a young child but not dead set on an older child. I've read some of the go to books and it does worry me about bring in an older child, but at the same time we are willing to turn down several matches if it doesn't feel right, though we just found out that our local dss/foster-adopt program isn't accepting new applications for anyone wanting to adopt under 7 and they rcommend opening our ages to all but definitely up to 10. We don't want to being a child into our home that we haven't parented healthy yet either. After talking to our foster system it isn't going to work that route. Honestly some of the draw in foster is the cost aspect, but we are processing the feelings we have from the infertility still so who knows where we will end up.

We broke all the rules with our last daughter she is now our 6th child she is the oldest so out of birth order she was a disruption and she has done great I have to say none of my kids cared she was older and she has bonded to us she was 12 when she came to us so I am very happy how well she has done. Every child is different every case is too so follow you're heart:)

How long has she been with you?

Our daughter has been with us now 2 years straight A student plays girls basketball is great her special needs sister who she shares a room with She loves her 4 brothers and says she feels at home now She is from China was adopted at age 10 then we adopted her from the other family at 12.

I have to agree with Linny on one thing (much as I want to be encouraging) - listen to parents who adopted more than a couple years ago. When adoption is first finalized, life is at its very best. it was the best thing ever done in the history of the world. It takes time to see the imperfections. We are finishing up our 4th years as a family (finalized 3 years ago). Would I adopt an older kid if i had it to do - absolutely. In a heart beat. My DD is the greatest joy my life has ever known That said, the adoption was not perfect. And I have to admit, she was hurt in ways it took a while to notice. It took time for me to accept that I can't make it perfect for her. I like to think we're handling everything that need to be handled, but who knows? There may be scars only visible once she reaches adulthood. I may be ignoring warning signs of trouble up ahead. All I can do is keep trying, keep adapting, and keep following my instincts (using a.com as a sounding board). if I had it to do all over again, I'd do the exact same thing - adopting from foster care. best of luck