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Hi everyone,
I'm hoping that this little vent might open my eyes to the experience of others, and maybe a little advice.
We adopted our little man almost 9 months ago, as he was just turning four, from Eastern Europe. He has done really well with 7 months at home with me and then daycare. DH travels a few days every week or so and DS misses him a lot when he is gone. We've been advised that DS's attachment is excellent.
I am very frustrated that DS has such a clear preference for his Daddy. He wants his Daddy for everything, to the point of frustration for my DH and disappointment for me. DS dissolves into tears if I help with anything while DH is home. Due to a special need DS spends about an hour every evening having a skin care routine. Despite the fact that tears erupt when Daddy does this, not when I do it, DS still wants Daddy to help. It makes me sad that I can't seem to make DS happy, even though I know I do, just not as well as his Daddy.
DH is the first male caregiver in our son's life and I think that has a lot to do with it. Friends and family all tell me that this is a phase. I don't see it ending. Even his teachers agree that DS mostly talks about Daddy.
Should I do anything differently? Should I just let it go and enjoy my family? Is this normal, or a phase?
Sigh.
It does stink, but it is a phase, in fact a normal healthy phase where boys start to learn how to be men. Boys tend to only want mommy around age 2, and then daddy around 4. It will even out and be fine. I have two biosons, and they both went through that phase. Girls are exactly opposite.
This too shall pass. That is what I always say when I do not like a particular phase lol. 5 was the screaming year, 11 was the lost their mind as puberty started year, oh joy.
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My second child preferred me ALL the time. Only I was allowed to bathe him. Only I was allowed to read his bedtime story. He would play and wrestle with Dad, but it was VERY obvious in every waking moment that I was who he wanted, not Dad. No doubt my husband found that painful. And it went on for YEARS (sorry). But he is 8 now, and just recently we mentioned that (as part of a conversation helping him understand his newly adopted little sister having a strong preference for the oldest sibling over him). He was mortified. He ran over and gave his dad a hug and said, "Did I make you sad? I am SO sorry! I LOVE you!"
One thing that has strengthened their relationship is that they go out on dates. Each of us takes each of the kids out on a one on one date (we try for once a month, but with two parents and three kids, and busy lives, it sometimes takes a couple of months to get thru all of them). - But anyway, we regularly spend time alone with each child. Sometimes we let the child plan the dates, and sometimes we do. But usually it is not a movie, but something that facilitates conversations and fun memories. Bowling, painting crafts, lunch at a cafe, flying kites, floating homemade boats down a stream, that sort of thing. These dates have REALLY helped develop and strengthen individual parent-child relationships.
Hang in there. It is hard when you want that special bond to be there and it isn't how you expected it to be.
HUGS!
Its just a phase, normal. My 3.5 prefers his 8 yr old sister! "Lula this, Lula that" Where's Lula ?, Lula do it... screaming crying etc... So, I just let it be. It's not personal. You have a life time together, odds are, you will be the "selected" parent sooner or later ( prob around the time of girl interest)
I love it that you have one-on-one dates with your children! What loving parents you are...your children are blessed.
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My son has a clear preference for me. He loves his daddy, but when he's hurt, sad, scared, or ill, only mommy will do. Kids will go back and forth with the preferences. Try not to take it personally.
I love it that you have one-on-one dates with your children! What loving parents you are...your children are blessed.
This is awesome. My grandma used to do this with me and my cousins. She would take us shopping for back-to-school clothes, then we would go out to lunch. It made me feel so grown up to have the one-on-one time with her.
Things are looking up.
I changed my reaction to DS when he is sad that Daddy isn't there, saying, "Yes, I miss him too. We both love him and he loves both of us, because we're a family." This seems to have helped tremendously.
We also talked to him about something he is also learning at preschool - sharing. Mommy and Daddy get to share and take turns doing things with him, including taking care of him. Now, he let's us know who he wants to do stuff and includes me in the mix. It's not perfect but it's certainly an improvement.
Thanks for all your support and letting me know that this is all normal!
Ready my first kiddo was the same way daddy all the time. I cried because it made me so sad. I was the one who could tell what his grunts meant. I'm the one who made sure all of his needs were met. Lord daddy wouldn't notice if an anvil fell on his head sometimes. LOL. However; my DS truly preferred daddy. People told me it was a phase but it didnt make me feel better!
I too did what you did. I told him how much daddy was missed when gone and we talked about daddy and we did things daddy would do and it did help but he still clearly preferred daddy.
Now our DD clearly prefers me to the point she wont let daddy even take her out of the car seat if we're together. I know this too hurts my husbands feelings. She's been better lately so I guess it is a phase although she clearly still prefers me.
I'm not sure how much of a phase it is but it does seem to get better. Best of luck.
Crystal -
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