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I called my Aunt this morning. There was a power outage in the area where she lived. I called from a perspective of "doing what is the responsible thing to do no matter what other madness may have transpired". As I've mentioned before we clicked right away and she has been a great source of support. Losing her was perhaps the thing I feared most. I have had a much more relaxed relationship where I could simply be myself and not worry about how I was being perceived. I was a bit nervous but thought if I didn't and something happened I couldn't live with myself. Turns out she was very happy to hear from me and we simply didn't discuss the nuttiness with my birthparents. We talked like nothing had happened and in my mind it's the way I want things.She is intuitive and has no jurisdiction over how they act. She has removed herself from being too overwhelmed by the dynamics of her relationship with her brother my father and her position as I have mentioned before is that my birthmother is a good, patient person for having put up with his intensity.I had automatically assumed she wasn't calling because of some "imaginary discussion" I was afraid my have occurred after my email to the immediate birth family; which, if it did happen she didn't mention. I don't want to delve into that with her because we enjoy each other when we talk or spend time together. I don't want to put her in a position that she has to choose sides or defend them.I want to enjoy our relationship for what it is. All I can say is that I felt connected with no heart break or drama. That's good enough for me. Sometimes patience and time passing has it's rewards. I think I let enough time pass where the other stuff wasn't simmering in my psyche; so all in all I am glad I let some time pass to gain perspective.I don't feel so much the lost waif I was feeling like.
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After reading a thread here where a comment was offered about "what is a better life" I realized I am still pretty raw.
I still haven't heard a peep from my immediate birthfamily. Not a word. Neither of my brothers, my father or my mother have uttered a breath in my direction.
It stings. However, I still have my Aunt. I don't mention them and she doesn't offer any information. It's a dead subject for the time being.
I wonder about my brothers though. My father hopefully did hear I love him. I don't know.
Maybe someday one of them will want to say hello. Who knows. I would embrace any contact despite the past.
I got a call on Friday from my brother who was at my birthmother's house. My father died on New Year's Eve at home where he wanted to die.
Now I am waiting once again after apologizing for any undue pain and explaining myself for the previous email. It sucks. At least he is not in any more discomfort but I am a mess trying to sort out my feelings.
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Sympathy from me murphy. How very sad for you. I can only imagine everything you feel is a natural process for your individual situation... so as familytime says...be kind to yourself, allow the feelings you are having and I hope some kind of peace will eventuate. Really big cyberhugs.
susie
I sent a thank you email to them thanking them for calling and acknowledged that if my previous email caused them any more pain I was sorry. Polite collie waiting for a reply. My daughter says she's proud of me for doing that and that having an open heart is a good thing. I'm trying but I feel that things will proceed much the same as the last time.
My father was the one who wanted to find me. He's the one who reached out and claimed me. I got not much more than a tacit pat on the head from my birthmother. When my daughter was talking to her on the phone and was crying her response was "don't cry". I guess her voice broke.
Makes me wonder when exactly in her world it is okay to cry. I mean what has to happen before it's permissible to shed a tear? Gotta wonder. It's mind boggling to me. Ah well I sit and wait. Sent the email like Swiss clock work the morning after they called. Nothing. Nada. Zippo...not even a quick email to say they got mine. Unreal.
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Thanks for the support. I have to stay off other parts of the forum for awhile because I am too raw. I don't want to squelch anyone's joy. I know that reunions can be gut wrenchingly painful if they go the way mine has gone but there is always hope and I don't want to insinuate their isn't.
Even in my situation I hope one day despite all the years of denial and emotional constipation they will open up. I can't give up hope.
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It is a lot to process but knowing that I am not the only person in the world grappling with all of this helps.
Social death is a good term for it. I mean it's weird to be on the other side of some wall that no one intentionally built. It's just there fabricated out of worry about what people might think. With each year that passes another stone manifests itself.
I don't believe they intentionally want to be cruel. I don't think they even know how it feels to be on the other side of the wall. I have a cousin and an aunt who are in contact so that helps.
It's sad that he's gone but it's better that he is not suffering anymore. I think he was spent and didn't want to have me see him that way. Pride is a demon. We all bow to it at times.