Why now? Step parent adoption issues

All that has gotten to me lately too. Father's rights, and a child's rights to their father. Even tho I know this kind of paternity stuff has been going on since the beginning of time, and probably always will, it's maddening that our laws have been created to support much of the madness and the secrecy. Have a friend dealing with something now. His father and mother got married when she was pregnant. The husband put his name on the BC when he was born. (the real cheap way to do it) He's not the father and the now 37 yr old son just found out a few weeks ago, at his mother's funeral (thanks so much Grandma) that his Dad is not his father. The myth of biology being "overrated" is pushing my buttons today.

After reading all the posts here, perhaps it was best that I never had any extended family.There were 2 adoptions. The 1st was when I was 5 months old and sold into adoption. The 2nd was when my 2nd step-mother wanted to adopt me out of fear that i would not be looked on by my 2 sibling brothers as being a legal part of the family.The 2nd adoption was carried out when I was 18. It was not about love or caring, it was related to legal processes should both a-parents die.We were very middle class, what was there to leave in an estate.It was unimportant to me then or now. It didn't erase the grief and loss from the 1st adoption.I never had any extended family that i knew very well mainly because my a-father didn't want any relationship with his in-laws and we lived in a foreign country.I would have liked to have some b-family, but, perhaps it's for the best.I wish you all the best.

This is from Rebecca Hawkes' blog (September 28, 2013, blog entry: "What Happened This Week: A Community Responds To News of 'Baby Veronica'" ):"The best phrase I can think of to describe what I observed in the adoptee and first parent community as the news broke of Veronica's transfer is "mass reactivated trauma." The cumulative effect as the news spread through social media Monday night was stunning. It was as though people throughout the adoption community were falling to their knees wailing. Or as Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy wrote of the "collective consciousness of sadness."

Thanks for sharing that L4R a mass reactivated punch in the gut for sure :(

Thank you for this. The part about "teaching me the skills to handle the hurt..." Yes, yes, a thousand times YES! I have read this and re-read this. It almost makes me cry to read the words; it hits so close to my heart and something I wasn't able to express but should have been able to by now. You helped me to find my words to what I was feeling in my heart...

I was adopted by my stepfather when he and my mom married. I continued to have visits with my bdad and his family at the insistence of my parents until I ended them in my teens. My stepfather's adoption of me allowed me to be on his medical insurance (my bdad was required to provide it but he always "forgot" to include me during enrollment) and have the same last name as the rest of my family. It also allowed my bdad to end his child support (he didn't pay it much anyway) obligations which because he was soooo behind allowed him to get a home loan or something like that. My bdad and I do not have a father-daughter relationship because he did not choose one not because of the adoption. He signed the termination of his parental rights of his own free will, requested an additional name change and seemed fine with the arrangement. He has never sent me a birthday card or actually called me on the phone to chat that I can remember. He complained to my mom about not being asked to give me away or being invited to my wedding but declined her suggestion to call me and discuss the issue. Even if my mom had attempted to limit contact he is a grown man and could have done all kinds of things to maintain contact with me. My adad is one of the greatest blessings of my life. If hadn't adopted me early in my life I would most definitely have demanded it by now so that I might offer to him without legal barrier the care as he ages that he offered me as I grew.

Beachy, I get that just like in any adoption some people had good experiences.That wasn't mine. And I'm not looking for touchy feely my adoption was what should have happened stories. You message didn't help me. It just annoyed me a little. While your adad may have been a blessing, my adad as you call him - I refer to him as my adoptive ex-step dad, was one of my major traumas, so maybe you can understand why your story doesn't help me right now? Did you read all of the thread and my request for support because I'm struggling with this right now? Because it doesn't seem like it.And I don't know how old you are or when your parents divorced, but do you remember the movie Kramer vs Kramer? It reflected a cultural shift in how both parents were viewed after divorce. It was highlighting the beginning of father's being able to get custody.In 1970 when my folks split, moms could easily shut dads out of the picture. They didn't have a lot of recourse. My mom just moved us and didn't tell him where we were. He had no way to find us. He went on a business trip, came home and we were gone. Even if he'd had money to take it to court, in 1970, the courts viewed Mom as the best place to be. Custody wasn't viewed or treated like it is today.And I'm sorry - but your comment about even if your mom had attempted to limit contact he could have done all kinds of things to maintain contact with me is just naive. Sorry, but what a crock of sh*t. Exactly what in the 70s could my dad have done to maintain contact? If he doesn't have the phone number (and doesn't know her new married name to get it) how does he call? If he doesn't know where we live, how does he come by to visit? If he manages to get the phone number and call, exactly how does he get me, a minor, on the phone if she says no? If he shows up at the house, she's going to send me to my room and not let me see him. What other way did he have to contact me? I didn't check the mail when I was little, so she could easily keep any mail that came to me. The fact is she had all the power in the early 70s. Fathers didn't. We didn't have fb, or email. There wasn't any way he could have reached me that didn't go through her.I don't need rosy "adoption is great" stories and your implication that my dad is somehow responsible for not having a relationship with me from someone who doesn't know what their talking about. Whether you mean to or not, you basically said, a dad could have done "all kinds of things" to maintain contact. Stop judging my dad. And yes, I'm angry - your post angered me. My dad is a good man, not a perfect man, but still a good man. I'm not sure if you thought your post would be helpful or just felt the need to defend step parent adoption. I'm not debating step parent adoption here. We're talking about struggling with it as an adoptee.

Dmarie, I read this post in the New York Times this morning and I think while not the same, may also be worth reading, the feelings of betrayal by the one betrayed. How society doesn't have time for the feelings of the victim of other peoples actions - but they are all for fresh starts... [URL="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?ref=opinion&pagewanted=all&_r=0"]http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?ref=opinion&pagewanted=all&_r=0[/URL] Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you for this, Dickons. I really enjoyed reading this. This part of the article is my life in a nutshell: "...its often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece җ one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet its work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of oneҒs past...robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all." Peace to all of us.

Thank you for this, Dickons. I really enjoyed reading this. This part of the article is my life in a nutshell: "...its often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece җ one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet its work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of oneҒs past...robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all." Peace to all of us.

Thanks Dickons. . . .

I can understand how you are feeling with the step parent adoption. Some people find it unnecessary especially when your parents are married. I personally don't think it's unnecessary and it can be beneficial to families who want to use it. My husband did a step parent adoption for my kids (on rapidadption.com) because their biological dad was not even trying to be in their lives. No child support...no phone calls...would move away every time his wages were garnished for child support and then it would take a year to find him again. Yes I am married and we do not plan on the divorce in the future but if something were to happen to me my husband would have full parental rights. He is their father and no, you don't have the be the same DNA to be considered family.

I haven't heard from you, but if you are looking for more information on step parent adoption then you should read this resource. It is a big help, God Bless. http://www.rapidadoption.com/support.html

I know this was posted years ago, but I wanted to share my insight. Just because YOUR step parent adoption was not something you felt was in your best interest does not go the same for everyone else. My daughter's father is not in her life at all.. he is a known drug addict and has been in and out of rehab since she was born. He has not paid a dime in child support (not that it matters) and I recently found out he moved out of state. So why not just leave it alone, right? Well let's think. God forbid something ever happened to me... his pernity was established by the courts, so guess what? If he wanted to be the POS I know he is he would take her and no one from my family ( people that helped me raise her) would ever see her again. So in the end having my husband adopt her ensures that she will always be taken cared of in the event that something happens to me.I'm not sure if you are a parent, or if you are just sharing your personal experience as a child..but as a mother (and as most) we do what we feel is best for our child. Now if my daughters bio dad was a stand up guy and fought to see her and loved her and supported her in NO way would I ever consider doing this... but he is not. My husband and I do everything for her, so why should she walk around with his last name when he hasn't put any work in, besides getting me pregnant? Why should she be forced to have to get to know a stranger that hasnt fought for her a day in his life? Maybe if you were put in the same situation as a mother you wouldn't feel so negative about step parent adoption.So just like the response that was given to you triggered your emotions, yours did the same to me. I am sure others who may have read this may have felt the same way and just decided not to put the energy into responding to it.

This is so old you may be a parent now. In any event, you definitely sound like a child when you wrote it. Let me tell you about the charmer bio-dad to my kid: when my wife brought her daughter home he decided, the first night, to go to the bar to show off pictures of his new little girl. He returned stumbling drunk in the middle of the night waking them both up. He'd routinely come home having pissed himself and, a few times, stumble in to piss on the couch. Visits were treated as a means of control, routinely canceled at the last minute to prevent my wife from making any plans. They were also routinely canceled mid-visit with calls to come get the kid that could come any time, day or night. Insistence on a week-long Christmas visit was met with a demand to get the child, who was unhappy, no later than 7AM the day after Christmas. In a different state, six hours away. During visits, she'd stay in whatever trailer he happened to be living in which, like his truck, he chain smoked in.I'm an adoptive stepfather and, honestly, it's not easy. My kid has a tinge of both her bio-dad and you: entitled and ungrateful. All but resentful that I'm not grateful for the constraints, time, and money spent to be perennially treated like a stepparent. All the responsibilities and none of the rights; that's life after a stepparent adoption. We get a little angel who skips school, sleeps around, and lives in her shiny always new phone except for the few minutes she takes to look up to try bossing me around. She has effectively no chores. And a mother who justifies it by saying her daughter had such a hard life when she was young so she now gets the responsibilities of an infant and the rights of an adult. And I can't do a thing about it without her mother flipping out and yelling and screaming. Thanks to bio-dad -- who's been gone a decade now -- my wife has the idea that men should have no rights except to provide.I don't know what happened but you sound like an ingrate. Let me tell you what your charming bio-dad did when giving you up. He signed off on lengthy papers that it was just fine. Sat through a waiting period where he could've changed his mind but didn't. Then attended a hearing where a judge pretty much shamed him and tried to talk him out of it. He persisted and agreed over and over and over to give you up. Why? Most likely because he didn't want to pay child support. There's your prince charming. Grow up.