Where to start Disruption - int'l adoption in CA

I hear your pain in your post. How long has this child been with you? What have you tried so far to help this child? Is the child in counseling? If so what type of counseling? I am not sure what behaviors this child is exhibiting that make you feel disruption is the only option. I can tell you that lying and stealing are fairly common among children who have a history of abandonment/neglect. They have learned to do these things as means of self preservation. Sometimes with counseling when they begin to feel safe in their new environment the negative behaviors eventually go away to some degree. feel free to instant message me if you like

Our family has been through this pain--more than once. We have experienced disruption and dissolution as well. IF this child's adoption isn't already finalized, I strongly urge you to reconsider finalization and to be completely honest and up front with the agency social worker. I would presume the child is and has been in counseling? I would also presume this has been going on for some time to the point that things have happened in your home to 'feel you are finished'. I know for our own family, there were times we kept thinking we could SOMEHOW, SOMETIME, make it so the child could 'get it' and begin to understand how much we wanted him to open up and be all he could be. The fact was, too much time had happened, too much damage had occurred prior to coming to us and for the time he was in our home (in and out of residential in one case). He didn't want to change-no matter what. There was nothing left to do--and our position was validated by an attachment therapist as well as more than one psychologist and psychiatrist. It will matter most whether the adoption is finalized or not. It will also matter if this child's behaviors have been documented and how long he's been in your home. I'm not one to throw in the towel and admit defeat when it comes to children; and we didn't. It happened over the course of a few years and the reason to finally say, 'it's over' was when other children were at great risk and some had already been harmed. Please feel free to pm me. I may be able to help give you some resources to help. Don't feel alone. Your family is not the first one to encounter this kind of scenario and sadly, it won't be the last. Most Sincerely, Linny

Your child has severe RAD, hasn't developed a conscience, and needs intensive supervision 24/7 so he doesn't harm himself or others. Whether he can be helped by intensive residential treatment is unclear. OF COURSE, you are thinking about dissolving the adoption. You didn't cause the child to have these problems. You are probably so exhausted from trying to keep him from harming your other kids that you are finding it hard to do more than cry. You have tried so hard to change your child's behavior that your marriage is probably showing signs of stress. You have tried so hard to keep life normal for your other children, but you see them changing before your eyes as they develop fears and react to the stress level in your home. NOW is the time to get help in thinking through what you must do. 1. Write down EVERYTHING that has occurred since you adopted the child -- stole from x, threatened y with a knife, tried to molest z, told the teacher these lies, told the neighbor these lies, started a small fire. 2. Talk to a psychiatrist who is experienced with RAD in adopted children. Show him/her what you have written, explain what you've done to promote attachment, etc. Let him/her interview your child -- an experienced therapist won't be "conned" by your son's charming behavior, which is so typical of RAD kids. You may actually want to get multiple evaluations, to see what various people are suggesting. 3. See what the doctor says about whether it's worth considering keeping your son in the family, but having him spend time (possibly years) in a residential treatment facility where he will get 24/7 supervision and intensive therapy. Is your son likely to benefit? Will he ever be able to come home? Will you be able to afford such treatment, which is often NOT covered by insurance? Many families who feel that they do not wish to "give up" on their severely disordered child try this approach, at least for a year or two. The success rate isn't great, but it may help some kids and some parents. 4. Talk to your homestudy agency and your placement agency. Show them your documentation of your child's actions. Document what courses of action you have taken, what doctors you have seen, and so on. Tell them that you are considering dissolving the adoption, but are exploring all options. See if they offer any form of respite care, where your son can stay with an experienced therapeutic foster family for a couple of weeks, just so you can have some distance from the situation, some time to catch up on sleep and reconnect with your other kids, time to begin making the contacts you'll need if you make a final decision to dissolve the adoption. Some agencies have respite care programs available or know where to find them. 5. If you can't get respite care, or if you decide, even after it, that you need to dissolve your adoption, try to rehome the child. It's a much more humane option than releasing him to the custody of the state. Talk to your homestudy agency and placement agency about it. Some agencies have begun to keep lists of families who are willing to accept children of disruption/dissolution and who are trained to work with them. Unfortunately, too many agencies still stick their heads in the sand and deny that dissolution may be the only possible option in some cases. 6. If your agency can't help you with trying to rehome your child, start calling other agencies. And get involved with groups of parents and professionals that deal with severe attachment disorders and/or have had to rehome kids. They, more than anyone else, can tell you what adoption professionals have been successful at helping families rehome children like yours. One group to contact is ATTACh, which stands for Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (ATTACh). In the past, one of the most successful professionals in the area of rehoming children was Barbara Holtan, formerly of Tressler Lutheran Services; I don't know where she is now or if she's still dealing with dissolutions, but ATTACh members may know. 7. Line up a good lawyer. If all efforts to treat or rehome your child fail, you will need legal counsel to help terminate your parental rights and make arrangements for your child to become a ward of the state. It's not a great option, but it has one definite benefit. With a child like yours, where there's the possibility that he may never be able to live in a family, or may be able to live in a family only after several years of residential traeatment, the state will have to pay for his treatment. Relinquishment may be the only way you will be able to get your son into such a program. 8. Get some sources of support for yourself. Yes, there are going to be folks who just don't understand that, in a few cases, a child may be so damaged that it simply isn't possible for him/her to live in a family. They are going to look at you like you are bad or selfish parents, and given that you are already burdened with guilt about considering dissolution, they ar going to make you feel rotten. You will need support groups of people who've "been there, done that" and can help you feel less alone. You may also benefit from some professional help as you rebuild your self-esteem, your marriage, and your relationships with your other children. Sharon

I'm so sorry for all of you.

My son and daughter in law are going through the same thing right now. Only now, the law is involved because our adopted grandson committed a sexual crime against another child. Due to his age the county is trying to get him released back to my kids for home supervision and therapy. They are refusing to accept him, and I will not let him into my house either. So now we are at a standoff. The adoption has already been physically and emotionally disrupted - just waiting on the legal portion of it. You name practically any awful disgusting antisocial act and this kid has done it, with a cold-hearted smirk on his face. Our only regret now is that my son hadn't attempted disruption earlier - if he had done so, an innocent little girl would not have been victim to this "child's" crimes. But they kept trying one thing after another, hoping to turn the corner. But instead of improving, he just got worse, to the point where we were literally physically afraid around him. We needed to understand that not every kid can be "saved", and that love doesn't cure all. Some kids are beyond help and your efforts need to be directed to keeping everyone else safe. I do think, though, that if you are serious about distrupting, do not drag it out. And keep in mind that you probably feel worse about it than the child - he may not even care.