Foster Parent ordeal with Bio parents

How aggravating! The cw should see it as an issue since the bios are actually missing their scheduled visits but yet showing up at a church. It would almost make me worry they would try to snatch the kids and run. Especially If Dhs has scheduled supervised visits for them. I had a similar issue except bios weren't showing up they were calling/texting constantly and asking for visits outside of their weekly scheduled visits. They were actually asking me to let them take fd for holidays, etc. After cw told them on 2 different times they only have supervised visits by Dhs, they finally issued a no contact order about a month ago. They are not allowed to call/text me anymore. It's been so nice :).

Prior to the children being placed with you were they attending the church in question? If the answer is no, then I think they are deliberately pushing boundaries to see what they can get away with. No, the SSW can't stop them from going to church but they can stop them from attending THIS church. The sidewalk in front of the SSW's house or the OP's house is public too but I'd bet at least one of those would get a reaction. Churches are quasi-public. I've had clients banned from them for making scenes, scaring the blue-hairs, stealing, etc. People can be banned from all sorts of places.

Am I understanding correctly, you are a pastor and they are showing up at your place of work to visit with the baby while you work? Who is supervising? I would ask the SW who will supervise the visit while you are working? That help the SW see the issue from different perspective.

Well, if you are the pastor, YOU can "ban" them from the church/have them escorted out. As others have mentioned, I would have a sit-down IMMEDIATELY with the SW and supervisor and GAL to hammer out details of what is and is not acceptable "stalking" behavior. This is your work. This is your family. No one has the right to repeatedly make you feel unsafe in your space. It is your job to protect the foster children and to accommodate visitations per the agreed upon schedule, not to just be blindsided whenever. Blindsiding also is no good for the kid(s). So once details were hammered out and written up, another mtg with SW, supervisor, GAL, AND bios for them to acknowledge and sign with the understanding that a restraining order would be set up if violated again, in addition to some sort of CPS consequences (fewer visits/closer supervision/etc.). Then set up that restraining order and tell your cop friends and be done with it. Yipes!!! I'd lose it in your situation!I'd also make sure this came up at the next review court hearing.

You can be the nice pastor by helping to one, uphold the law and two, by helping the parents learn the boundaries. This is a frequent problem in foster care in that parents are unwilling to follow the rules to get their kids back. It does no one any favors by allowing them to control the situation. They controlled it already and look what it got them; their kids in care. They have to learn the truth, follow the rules and do the things necessary in order to parent and they can only do that when they are held to the standards of the law. The court orders when the visitation is to be held and they can either go to it or not. It's their choice, but it is also your right to refuse them access at church. The PA is incorrect. You can ban them from church, it's not a publically held place, it is a private building owned by the church, not the government. If her logic held, then the parents could come to your home as well and they can't. It sounds like you need to get your Deacons/Elders together and have a confrontation with them the next time they show up. Make the rules very clear. Have one member video the encounter so you have proof of contact and explanation. Make sure in the video that they are told it is being filmed. All you need is one of them to say anything threatening and then you have grounds for legal police action. Here are some of the things you need to tell them: You are responsible for their children until they can go back home. The judge has ordered the visitation to take place elsewhere(name the place) and that every time they show up at church, it gives the judge more reasons to not return their children. You have no control over what the judge does. The judge controls everything and you are following the rules so their kids can come back home. If you keep the words directed at returning the children, it can make them think differently about it. Put all the blame for the visit schedule on the judge. Frequently parents blame the foster parents for their children not being returned, so directing their anger elsewhere can help diffuse the situation.

Thank you all for your suggestions. To answer a few of the questions.. YES I am the pastor. How we got involved is the grandmother of the children attends and is a member of the church. Her daughter, the bios, have never attended until we got the children. Since then in the three months we have had them they have came four times. We will not discuss the attire as it will make you all sick. I am not against them coming to church. I am for them coming to church. I am against them having a visitation during church services. They are not there for anything else but to visit. Playing, talking, and well whatever they can do. Deacon Board not happy :happydance: woohoo for me :rockband: I have contacted the SW, no call yet. Have talked with PA who knows that the deacon board is ready to address this personally with the bios. I am trying to look at it from both sides. However, they are not doing anything to get their kids back. After the impromptu visits we have more problems out of the oldest one. oh the fun of being a foster parent when the bios are ...........**I will let you fill in the blank***

Maybe it's just me, but even if they are at church why are they being allowed to have contact with the child? I am presuming it is large enough to where they can sit on a different side of the room. They can attend all they want, it doesn't mean that they are allowed to speak to, wave to, or otherwise interact with the child. I would politely agree with the CW and then ask if the following boundaries can be put into place: No contact with the child by waving, talking, ect. Parents must stay 15 feet away from the child, and may not interact with your wife in any way. The other option is to have your wife stay home with the kids and tell them that due to the circumstances the kids will no longer be brought to church. I would be that if they weren't attending prior to the case, they will stop in a few weeks. I am sure that is not an option you want, but is one that would work. Finally, you could always ask a few of the people at the church to run interference for you. Have them block a few pews around your wife with their families. After the service, have them stand nearby and if the parents attempt to come towards the kids, have them nicely redirect them away. If the parents become upset, then the police members are there to assist them in finding their vehicle. Good luck, it is really hard when you can't avoid the family.

I'm in favor of them having a church home, but at this time, it can't be *your* church. Unless perhaps you are willing to have your wife seek a new church home during this time, so the children can have privacy during church. I'm certain that the newfound religious fervor that this couple is experiencing, which has propelled them through the doors of your church (so often), will also fuel their rapid search for a new church home. I don't see how allowing them to come to your church right now has any upside. I'm used to being in bug churches where children are down a hallway in a classroom or playroom. If that's the case for you, it should be "easy" to bar them from that hallway. And use a different exit. But then there's social hour. I just can't see it working. Paging PastorDan, who also posts here.

Yikes. So sorry that you're dealing with this right now.You are doing the right thing, though, Pastor. You are setting the example before your people to take care of vulnerable children. This is right. No matter what anyone else thinks about what you're doing (including your deacon board), you're doing the right thing.That being said, this situation stinks. I wish you could get more support from your SW to know what to do with the bio parents. I liked the pp's suggestion of having other people run interference for you to help the bios not have unsupervised contact with your kids. The plan would work if you had people willing to do that for you.What would the situation be if the bio parents were showing up to your kids' school? Wouldn't there be protections in place for the kids in that situation? Maybe you could approach the SW with that kind of argument.Sending up prayers for wisdom.

Their surprise visits are disturbing your work and interfering with your ability to carry out your employment. Is there a way to request an amended visitation order that specifically states that they are not to seek out the children on church property or at church sponsored functions? That should be a given, but apparently they aren't getting it. I would request to speak to a supervisor, or perhaps have a church elder call and complain about the constant disruption the bios are causing. Definitely bring it up at the next review and do not leave until a plan is in place to address this behavior. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Hopefully your congregation is understanding.

Church has been gracious and I am thankful for that. I do have people who are providing some cover so to speak. They are sitting on the same row and all...blocking doors...big cop....:popcorn: It is sad...they could change....they do not want to change.... Thank you all for advice and encouragement...this has been the best site I have found....getting my wife to join as well. So much great info and like minded souls

Not to scare you, but I had a similar situation. Bios found out about my church through mutual aquaintance and showed up together. Mom had not attended a visit in 3 months because she wasn't clean. Dad was her controlling pimp/abuser but not a drug user himself and was being considered for placement with his own plan. Long story short he showed up EVERY sunday and it was a distraction because I'd have to follow him. I was very afraid he'd run with him and I told the cw THIS HAS TO STOP. She said she'd be the bad guy and tell him he can only see baby at supervised visits (but she told me she couldn't tell him not to go to church). Well the next Sunday he showed up, after service he approached me while I had his son and my own baby on my lap and told me that things are gonna change, now that he knows where I stand. I told him it's the caseworker's rule and he can continue to see baby on scheduled visits. He walked out angry. My brake lines were cut and the vaccuum hoses pulled out of my engine. The caseworker said if I filed a police report and harrassment prevention order, their solution would be to remove the baby to a new home. Baby only knew me as mother (kinship placement, mother abandoned) and baby did not know this BD or have relationship with him. I wanted to adopt or get guardianship. BD continued to come to church and sit in the back row and glare at me. He'd accost me any chance he could get me alone. He tried provoking fights with my husband. CW and supervisor would do nothing. None of the church leadership wanted to kick a man out of church. When approached by an elder once, he told her "I'm here for the Lord and I want to change" Fast forward a year: he got custody. The first week he brought toddler to church and instantly he starts calling "mama mama" and my daughter, raised like a twin with him, wants to run to her "brother" and BD won't let his son see us. It was agonizing, seeing him reach for me and not being able to reach back, and seeing the confusion on his face. BD said, "I just wanted you to know how it feels." with a cruel smile and left the church. Never saw him again. Put a stop to this before it escalates. It ruined my relationship with bio that I wasn't able to see my boy after he RU'ed.

Let me add too that I am alone with the children while my husband serves official church duties. It is a vulnerable position to be in and I hated it - one kid running one way and the other kid running the other way, and always looking over your shoulder for angry bio. If I could go back, I would have attended another church for that time period.

Mamabear, that is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your baby, in spite of being with that man, is happy and healthy out in the world.

Thanks. Unfortunately I'm waiting for this RU to fail. There were multiple calls to DCF from their apt bldg, judge closed the case anyway. But I have my faith. Someone always has it worse, and I just thank God that my baby is alive and I can have Hope that he will come home someday.