Dealing with open adotion

September 13, 2001

Originally Posted By Maria

Hi,

I found out four months ago that I had gotten myself into an unplanned pregnancy with my boyfriend I thought I loved at one time. Now, I have definitely realized we as couple will never work out. He still has hope we will get back together, especially to raise this child. I have moved on and am now seriously considering adoption. I feel the best thing for me is to get into an open adoption. I have so many questions on how it works emotionally and phsically. I question what the adoptive parents will tell this child when he or she questions who I am. I want to see this child at least once a month. Has anyone attempted to have such an intimate relationship. I just hope there is a couple out there that can give me this in depth of a relationship. Please let me know of personal experiences.

thanks,

Maria

Archive

November 4, 2001

Originally Posted By emily

hi maria. i am not sure if this will be to little to late, but i am a b-mom in an incredibly open relationship with a-parents. i think that it is possible and beneficial to have such a close relationship with a-parents and child. the one peice of advice that i can give you is to be as upfront about your wish as possible. don't worry about scaring them away or asking to much of them, if they aren't prepared to handle it, then they should be honest enough and tell you so. then you can move on and seek out parents who are comfortable with it. it was my experience that the aparents at first "bristled" at my request, but after we got to know eachother they felt comfortable with frequent visits, monthly actually. it is important to me that i am able to have a relationship with my daughter, the hardest thing is finding my role in her life. there are no real examples to follow. i am not her mom, not just a family friend, but somewhere in between...just know that it can work and that honesty and communication is key, and that you don't owe anyone anything, so request as much openness as you feel you will need to make this bearable for you. i would say that you shouldn't choose adoption just to get rid of a guy...or to "move on". this baby may keep you connected to a man, a pain in the butt maybe, but the pain of saying goodbye to your daughter is greater, it will be a comfort that you will be in her life, but you will not be her mom, and that is very very hard thing to give up just to avoid the complications of being attatched to a man...if this is your only motivation then i'd say rethink it, but otherwise good luck to you and yours, if you have any other questions or comments i'd love to hear from you.