Foster/adoption as a single mom...how do you manage?

I adopted through a private agency so I did not take the in depth classes that are part of the training for foster parents. I have heard that these are very good for basic parenting and necessary for parenting children who are always facing the trauma of being removed from their family and often facing additional trauma from abuse/neglect. I found the training my agency required to be full of very good information, but nothing new to me. But I have 10 nieces and nephews and have been very involved in their lives always. So I was probably more prepared than others might be. I also did do a lot of reading and internet searching on parenting and child development. I agree with you that the more information you have, the better!!

I have 10 nieces and nephews too! I wasn't a very involved aunt though: growing up, I was actually kind of a recluse, even to my parents and siblings. I have been getting more involved, but I still don't see them as often as I would like. Anyways, I am doing lots of researching.

Yup, definitely just as exhausting and financially difficult and all that as everyone says. I can't imagine my life any other way (well, maybe I can imagine my life with more money, but I've always had a good imagination). Being a teacher is actually a good option as a single parent, because you have the same schedule (more or less) as your kids do. I am actually working on switching from a hospital position to a similar school-based position partly for that reason. A good support system is really important. To me, the hardest part is giving myself permission to take time for myself. I know it's important, but it is difficult logistically plus I feel guilty. What I know and am working on believing is that taking time to be a person (not a mom, or an employee, or anything else that is about what I give to others) makes me a better mom (and employee and everything else), and it is important to take care of me. I try to get a "day off" once a month or so, where I get a most or all of a day that my son is with my mother and I get to do whatever I want. It makes a big difference. I was raised by a single mom, and that's one of the things she didn't really do, that I wish she would have more.

Yup, definitely just as exhausting and financially difficult and all that as everyone says. I can't imagine my life any other way (well, maybe I can imagine my life with more money, but I've always had a good imagination). Being a teacher is actually a good option as a single parent, because you have the same schedule (more or less) as your kids do. I am actually working on switching from a hospital position to a similar school-based position partly for that reason. A good support system is really important. To me, the hardest part is giving myself permission to take time for myself. I know it's important, but it is difficult logistically plus I feel guilty. What I know and am working on believing is that taking time to be a person (not a mom, or an employee, or anything else that is about what I give to others) makes me a better mom (and employee and everything else), and it is important to take care of me. I try to get a "day off" once a month or so, where I get a most or all of a day that my son is with my mother and I get to do whatever I want. It makes a big difference. I was raised by a single mom, and that's one of the things she didn't really do, that I wish she would have more.

I agree with the others, it's definitely challenging but totally worth it! I'm a speech-language therapist working in a school. I agree with Ruth that teaching is a great option for a single parent (any parent, really). I have a very regular schedule. My days aren't that long. When my daughter is in school we'll have the same schedule. I guess it depends on the school but I think most are very supportive. I wouldn't have to worry about taking time of if Sweetpea was sick or had a school event I needed to attend. I've thought about switching to a hospital based position that would pay more. It wouldn't be worth it, though. Right now, I'm really looking forward to having the whole summer to be a stay at home mom. It's great that you have family near by. I got really sick yesterday afternoon. I was able to call my sister and get help. Even without that option, though, I'd have gotten through it. It's all worth it!

ITA with Waverly. I also have a niece and nephews but there's a difference in dealing with traumatized kids. I don't work in the school system but I like my job. I took the classes, did the homestudy and backgrond check and was licensed. It is so worth it!!!

I just read my last post and realized it sounded like I was saying working for the school system is easy. :eek: Anyone who does knows that isn't true. I apologize to teachers everywhere! :) I was just trying to say that a school schedule is a good thing for a parent to have. Many people in other types of jobs manage to be amazing single parents as well.

Thanks everyone for your input! I'm glad to hear that while it may be difficult, everyone seems to agree that it is worth it. I don't think there is a job anywhere that would be easy for everyone, but school positions sound good. I have never really cared about making a lot of money either, as long as I can pay the bills I'm really okay. I don't need a lot of extra for myself. I just need to learn how to budget properly, since I seemed to have inherited poor money skills from my parents :o. Anyways, going OT, the hours and environment of most schools seems like a good match for me.

I wouldn't say single parenting is more difficult than some other things I've done, but it IS exhausting (physically and emotionally). I'm a teacher and have been for 15 years. However: I adopted a healthy newborn (private adoption). My mom let me stay with her when Mini was a newborn because he cried all day and night and I was exhausted. I am tenured and had saved up enough to pay for daycare and formula ($90 a week just for that) for quite a long time. ---- I was able to stay home with him 14 weeks, 8 of those being unpaid and 6 being accumulated sick leave. Now, he's in daycare till 5ish and he's in bed by 7. Not ideal, but I know summer will be better. I can afford all this because I saved for years to get here and because I have been in the same school district since I started. I am also fairly frugal and asked people for donations of used stuff instead of new in lieu of a baby shower (which I did not want). I got so much stuff (and am still getting some stuff now) because people all had tons of old things and wanted to give them a new home. And yes, parenting is totally worth it.

I'm a single mom of 5 kids. Yes, it's difficult, but it's manageable. Honestly, going from 3 kids & a husband to 5 kids with just me is about the same level of work (and had a rather low maintenance husband). The primary difficulty that I see is financial, because I was still working on starting my career when I became single...so I do recommend trying to have that on relatively stable ground first. The other is, not having backup within the home means it takes a bit more coordination when you need someone. So, having a good support system (which I think you posted you have) is important.

You can do it, but as PP said, get your career started first. I am another teacher who is single. Only differences - I have spent years and years caring for kids, but my relatives live far away, so a small support network. If you feel like you need training, go to many extra than those required and READ on here an hour every night (go back into history too). I spent each summer learning about a different issue (manipulation, attachment, RAD, alternative discipline, etc.). Don't get blind sided. My dad was out of the country for much of the year due to work when I was a child, and I remember my mom saying how hard it was to be a single parent. I remember thinking "What's so difficult about it?" She had the organization down that it seemed effortless. It is a LOT of organization and planning and consistency, but I chose it, she didn't. I can tell you that I actually have more energy and get more done with kids. My house is neater because I 'have' to get things done. They are my motivation. I will get things done in 1/4 the time to spend more time with them. I am more focused, and waste less time (except on vacations like now). Something has to go!

It's been a while since I've been here, but I do want to assure you that I will be getting my career started and stable (especially stable) before pursuing adoption. I'm not 100% set on my career path (I have two that I'm considering, elementary teacher and therapeutic riding instructor), but I'll figure it out.

1. One of the best ways to prepare is to take on some volunteer work with children -- the toughest volunteer work you can. It will give you confidence and skills, and is especially helpful if you haven't had a lot of "hands-on" kid experience. I spent a few years (over 450 hours) volunteering at a nationally known children's hospital in the evening, in preparation for parenthood. After an excellent training program, I wound up working on hematology/oncology for the first six months -- kids with various cancers, as well as sickle cell anemia. It was a well-run unit, and the nurses were terrific. Many of the kids with whom I spent time lived in shelters or foster care, or had difficult home lives, so I learned not only how to diaper an active toddler, but also to deal with tantrums, loneliness, fears, behavior issues, feeding problems, and so on. I also learned that I could clean up a kid who threw up all over both of us, without having to vomit because of the smell. And I learned to deal with grief, especially after a very special little girl named Jaquae, whom I'd known for almost a year, died of a brain tumor when she was 18 months old; I went to her funeral, where a friend of her teenage mother sang "I Will Always Love You", and still can't hear that song without getting a little tearful. Later on, as an experienced volunteer, I was allowed to rotate to other units when hem/onc wasn't too busy. I spent a lot of time on a large and understaffed infant/toddler unit, which had kids with everything from diabetes to AIDS, but also visited with kids on almost every unit (no teens or psych). I fed, rocked, diapered, and lots more. It was terrific preparation for parenthood! I remember one gorgeous young infant on cardiology, due to have heart surgery the next day. He just would NOT go to sleep. I stayed extra late, wearing him in a Snuggli and walking around the unit, when I wasn't holding him in a rocking chair. Every time he fell asleep, I'd put him in his crib -- and he'd be wide, staring awake and crying in an instant! The nurse showed me how to swaddle a baby, which some find relaxing, but even that didn't work. I thought I'd be there all night, but I finally got him to sleep. As it happened, my daughter was 18.5 months old when I met her in China, and parenting in a Chinese hotel room was not particularly difficult, as a result of my experiences. While I wasn't allowed to do anything "clinical" as a volunteer, I had watched the nurses take temperatures and such, and learned a great deal in the process. I am very grateful that I had the opportunity to volunteer; it definitely made me a better Mom. 2. One thing that you should absolutely do as you wait to adopt is work on building a support system. You'll need it. Whether it's someone who can watch the baby when you are sick with the flu and can hardly get out of bed, or someone who can bring over some food when your child has broken out in spots and you can't get to the supermarket, or someone who can simply reassure you that you are doing a fine job of parenting when you are having one of those days when you think that you are the worst Mom in the world -- believe me, you'll need it. So make peace with relatives from whom you've become estranged, if that's possible. Get involved in some activities that broaden your contacts -- anything from painting the bathrooms at your church/synagogue preschool to playing on a softball team put together by your employer. When you do nice things for others, they are more likely to help you out when there's a crisis. Join a local adoption support group -- other adoptive parents will understand your issues more than your own mother will! I'm a single, older Mom -- brought home my daughter when I was 51. For me, having a good support system was critical, as my own parents were deceased and many of my relatives were scattered all over the country. As an example, I managed to shatter my kneecap in a fall when my daughter was two years old. I had to be in the hospital for a week, to spend a week getting off the pain medicine and learning to function at home, and then to spend a few months taking intensive physical therapy, because my knee became "frozen" while in the brace; it wouldn't bend at all. Luckily, my adoption agency had introduced me to a couple who were on their list as cradle care parents (for domestic newborns in a state that gave birthmothers 30 days to change their minds about placing their babies. The agency would not let prospective adoptive families spend a month with a child, only to have to relinquish him/her to a woman who decided to parent; they felt it would be too traumatic. So I knew this couple had been studied pretty well and found to be safe with kids, and I liked them when I met them. They offered to care for Becca while I was hospitalized, and I accepted. The couple, a Japanese man and his White wife, had already raised two biological children and fostered one child who had significant behavioral issues. They cared for Becca while I was in the hospital and for a week afterwards. I had been worried that Becca would bond to the other woman, and that I would be jealous. In fact, she was OK with the woman, but fell madly in love with the man, whom she called "Da-Oshi" -- Daddy Hiroshi. He also fell in love with her, in the nicest way possible. And all through her childhood, even after he and his wife divorced, even after he remarried a few years later, he became my daughter's favorite male role model. He and his children would take her shopping at the Asian market and let her help as they cooked an Asian dinner. They would dance with her to Japanese music. Much later, when she was a teen, he and his second wife, also Caucasian, would take her to visit their relatives and then spend several days at Cape Cod, bicycling, walking on the beach, etc. Becca actually was a bridesmaid, along with Hiroshi's daughter, when he remarried. I was also lucky in that the China adoption program, back then, was one in which you tended to travel to China with a group of other prospective parents from your agency. My group was primarily local, and composed of five wonderful couples and three single women, including me. We adopted in 1997 (my daughter was born in 1995), but all remain in contact today. One of the other single women has become my closest female friend. At one point, Becca's three closest friends were from the group. And so on. Before the adoption, the group sometimes got together for casual dining, obsessing about our wait for a referral, planning for travel, and so on. And afterwards, besides getting together for reunions, several of us who lived close enough had frequent playdates with other group members. When I was recovering from my knee injury, one of the singles borrowed a double stroller and either she or her nanny would take our girls to the playground. And another would bring over lunch, so the girls could play indoors together. In short, whatever you do, recognize that you are not superwoman. You WILL need help in order to be the best parent you can be. So reach out. Don't be a loner. You may well find that adoption gives you a whole new social life that you never expected. Don't limit yourself to singles; get to know some couples who aren't related to you, and look for people of all ages. 3. Find some good male role models for your child. Whether you adopt a girl or a boy, remember that children need role models of both genders in order to prepare for a future of healthy relationships, but that those role models do not necessarily have to be spouses or people who live in the same house with you. They can be your relatives. They can be old boyfriends with whom you are now "just friends". They can be Dads, both single and married, who are in your adoption support group. As long as they are good, safe people, they will do just fine. Make sure that your child spends a good bit of time with them, sometimes with you along, and sometimes without. I already mentioned Hiroshi. Although my daughter is 18 now, and away at college, he and his wife still adore her and keep in touch. Basically, my daughter chose Hiroshi as her favorite male role model. But she also had some men that I'd picked out, to model healthy relationships. One was an old boyfriend, who had two adult daughters and three grandchildren. He took on a grandfatherly role, though my daughter actually called him "Uncle Ted". He took her to car shows and museums. He taught her how to fix the disposal. She spent time in his office. Another was an older cousin of mine. We celebrated religious holidays with him and his wife. He read her stories and told her kid-style jokes, like one that always ended with "Moo-moo, twinkle-twinkle", for some strange reason. 4. Single parenting is always tough, but it helps a great deal if there's enough money. It's really important to make a realistic budget. The cost of raising a child is going to be much higher than you expect, especially if you want to keep your sanity while doing so. Sure, you may not "need" to have a cleaning woman, for example -- but it sure would be nice if you could take the kids to the park while someone vacuumed and washed the floors for you, every two weeks. So build that into the financial planning you do. And, sure, it would be nice if you could cook every meal from scratch; it would be healthier and, possibly cheaper than using a lot of frozen and packaged foods. But a restaurant meal, or even an occasional trip to the fast food place, is not a luxury when you are a working single parent. Well before you apply to adopt, prepare by ensuring that you have the education and experience that will allow you to maximize your income. If needed, get an advanced degree, or move to a place where you can get a better job. Both will be easier to do now, rather than after you have a child or two. Choose a place to live that won't have you making long, long commutes to and from work or long, long trips to schools and activities once your child is home, even if the house is a little more expensive; you'll save money, as well as time, in the long run, if you don't need to have extra babysitting hours or wear and tear on your car. Financial worries can really hurt your ability to be a good parent and have fun while doing so. So see what you can do to put your financial house in order. You mentioned that budgeting is not your strong suit. Consider going to a certified financial planner and talking to him or her about how to create and stick to a budget that builds in a couple of special "perqs" for single working parents -- like that cleaning woman every two weeks. Make sure that the plan takes into account the high cost of child care, too. Eliminate credit card debt to the extent possible. Start a college savings account that you can also use if your child winds up needing any sorts of counseling or special schools for learning or emotional issues that are fairly common in adopted children, and may not be covered by health insurance or subsidies. Ask yourself, "What if?" What if you lose your job? What if you get a serious illness? What if your child has an unanticipated special need? Then try to answer those questions. How much money do you want to have in savings and investments, to cover six months of being out of work? How much will it cost you to buy better health insurance, and some more life insurance? 5. Spend a few dollars to have an adoption-friendly professional draw up a will, as well as other relevant documents for you. Even if your child isn't home yet, you can have the attorney put in the right language to cover the fact that you are adopting one or more children. Indicate whether you want some of your money to be disbursed only after your child reaches a certain age. Indicate your guardianship plans; everyone, single or married, should be able to name someone who will care for his/her child if he/she passes away or becomes incapacitated, but it is especially important for single parents. Indicate who will make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated and your child is still a minor. The more you put in writing, the more reassurance you will have that things will be done the way you want them to be done. 6. Talk to other single adoptive Moms. Learn some of their tricks to making parenting work. And learn some of the pitfalls to avoid. As I mentioned earlier, belonging to an adoption support group is really a good idea. While on-line support groups are fine, you should also look for one in your community, if possible. Whether they are sharing good places to consign outgrown children's clothing, so you get a few dollars back, or whether they are talking about caring for children who come home with a mouthful of rotten teeth, you are likely to learn a good deal -- and you may make some really good friendships, in the process. Sharon

Hello. Recently I wrote a blog post about How to reach the heart of our children we adopt. This is from personal experience from adopting six of our eight children. In Christ, Aimee'

www.adoptedangel.com1-800-305-8836My name is Sophie I myself was adopted and have over 40 years’ experience of Adoption Awareness offering Support and Guidance with:NO JUDGMENT – TOTAL EMPATHYThe Importance of ForgivenessHelp of UnderstandingFinding CouragePersonal StrugglesAll the Challenges and Rewards for Adopted FamilyHelp instill Wisdom, Love and InspirationFind Your Strength WithinWE ALL HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH A SECOND CHANCE. CALL ME AT 1-800-305-8836 – Sophie