Looking for answers

April 22, 2016

My wife and I have been fostering a wonderful girl for roughly 8 months and recently some events have happened that have worrying all the time, but before that let me give you a little background.

I'm in my early 20's as is my wife. We've been married for over 2 years and last year we got a call from a family member asking if we would be interested in kinship foster care for our little cousin (then 10 months old). Keep in mind I wanted to wait another 5 years or so before even THINKING about kids. Well long story short we spent some time with her and had her in our home by the end of the week. They weren't exaggerating when they tell you that babies use ALOT of diapers.

Fast forward through all the paperwork and classes and fun stuff. The first few months the babies mother (aunt through marriage) just didn't care. She would miss visits, deny drug tests, refuse treatment etc. history on her is that she's lost 5 other children to the system already. We knew getting into this that the end goal was reunification of possible but we all know we can't help but get our hopes up.

The father (my uncle) went to visit sometimes but would also miss at times. He admitted to not being able to take care of the baby himself if it came down to it. Don't get me wrong, they both love her to death, addiction just gets in the way.

Throughout all of this keep in mind that the parents are on again off again.

Anyways, after months of no progress they were kicked out of their government housing which led to both of them getting into a rehab. The father finished his and went to a halfway house that he left because of some issues with getting a bed and a job. He's currently working away but his wishes are that we would be able to keep the child and give her a good life.

The mother finished her rehab and she's currently in a halfway house program that is roughly 1.5 hours away. This causes issues with visits. CYS and her have it sorted out mostly but it's just so tough because my wife and I both work full time and have to make these visits, while the mother makes them at any time she wants and has not obligations anywhere else. Anyways, the point I'm trying to get to is that, the mother has been really hurting us by saying that she will never let her daughter stay with us forever no matter what she has to do. She's written us a 5 page letter on her resentment towards us because we have taken her daughter from her.

It all just really makes the situation even harder and every time I ask anyone what the outcome is looking like we don't get a straight answer which I know they don't know the answer but an idea would be nice you know.

I just wanted to come here to see what you all thought and might know and be able to give me insight on. What's the possibility of TPR happening? What's the possibility of us being able to adopt this wonderful little girl?

the mother has a history with substance abuse her whole life and a history with CYS. As I mentioned before she's lost other children because of similar reasons. The guardian ad Litem always tells the judge how happy the baby is in our care and how we do a great job (it's nice to have someone encouraging us). The foster agency always has good things to say about us as well. Both parents have drug charges they're still facing at the time as well. The end of November will be the 15 month point and I've heard they can extend it if the judge allows it. What do you guys think could happen with this? I know it's early, but I can't sleep at night most of the time because I think of losing my baby, and I just want to have a picture of what may happen. Thank you all for this community!!!

Sharon Kaufman

May 5, 2016

Unfortunately, you can never predict how these things will work out.

You have many things going for you. You are related to the child. You have been fostering her for eight months. By all accounts, you are good parents. You have been willing to work with the birthparents, though they don't always treat you well. The biological mother is a long-time substance abuser who has lost custody of five other children. The biological father is currently clean and working, but he can't parent a child in a halfway house, and his sobriety is recent. He seems to understand that it will be difficult for him to parent a child, at this point in his life, and that his daughter would do better in your family. All in all, you can certainly make a good case for adopting the child, and I would suggest that you retain an experienced attorney to help you make that case in court.

But don't expect a slam dunk. The birthmother clearly wants to parent, though it's not clear that she will be able to do so; CYS could decide to let her daughter remain in foster care for a couple of years, to see how the birthmother does, before either reunification or adoptive placement. This would mean that you would be in limbo -- responsible for the child, but aware that you could lose her at any time if the agency chooses to return her to her birthmother or to move her to another foster home. Your rights would be limited, given that foster parents generally can't even take a child out of state to go to a theme park, without agency permission, can't put the child on your insurance, which might offer better medical coverage, and so on.

The agency could also decide that, even if reunification is taken off the table, that your child should be placed in a home, either foster or adoptive, with at least some of her biological siblings. In most cases, agencies don't want to separate siblings, unless one child has such complex medical needs that he/she needs to be the only child in a therapeutic foster home, so that full attention can be given to those needs, or unless one child is molesting or otherwise harming his/her siblings. Courts will usually honor plans that keep siblings together, which means that your child could wind up in a different foster home, or in an adoptive placement with one or more of the siblings, regardless of whether the guardian ad litem or your lawyer makes a case for you to keep the child. However, the fact that the agency has not placed your child in a family with her siblings suggests that it may already have determined that those families are not willing to adopt or foster an additional child.

All in all, there's no telling whether you will prevail in your efforts to adopt this wonderful child whom you have been fostering. The best thing you can do is to hire a really good attorney, and continue to love and nurture the child, even with all the uncertainties. The love and structure you provide will help her understand attachment, and if she is removed from you, it will actually make her better able to adjust to her new situation, after a period of grief.

Sharon