"So How Many Kids Do You Have?"

I can't tell you how much I hate this question. The son we adopted is our first living child, however we had a stillborn son, a daughter that I miscarried last summer, and two other early miscarriages. I never know how to answer this question because I feel like denying my other's children's existence dishonors their life, my love for them, my grief and how much their short lives impacted me. It depends on who I am talking to if I tell them or not. How I answer depends a lot on my mood and how I perceive the other persons openness because I am also very protective of my children's memories. It really hurts when people say dismissive things about miscarriage and stillbirth because they believe "that doesn't really count". Sometimes I have the emotional strength to educate and sometimes I don't. I know all of my children know I love them and would have done anything to save them, even if that means I don't tell everyone about them. Anyway as an adoptive mom, I wouldn't feel dishonored at all if my son's birth mom says she has a son when people ask her if she has any children. She was his first mom and always will be his mom. That doesn't mean I am less of a mom to him.

I always hated this question as well, because my son's adoption was a closed one, and while he was not a secret, I also didn't share his existence with everyone. Legally, of course, he is legally NOT my son. Every year my doctor and I would talk about him as the first of the 3 children I have given birth to. I used to say things like, "My husband and I have two children." I have been in reunion with him since 2005 and although it is still awkward occasionally, I refer to him as my firstborn or the son I placed for adoption, etc. It gets more complicated because I am now a pastor and D's adad is also a pastor in the same denomination; in addition, I know serve in the area where his adad grew up and have friends of his family on my congregation. I am open with my story and they can accept it or not! I am the person who gave birth to him and his aparents are the ones who raised him; we all have a our own places in his life.Blessings,Kathy

Awesome thoughts! And congratulations on reuniting with your birth son! I agree with you, they can like it or not, but no one can take away the fact that you're the one who birthed your child.