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After 30 years of wondering and searching I accumulated enough information to locate my birthparents. I found that I was the product of a white mother and black father who had a very brief fling in college. My 19 year old mother became pregnant in her freshman year at a university in Texas. Without telling my birth father, she came to California to conceal the pregnancy and give me up for adoption. She returned back to Texas and I was adopted and raised in California. I found my birth father quite easily as he has a presence online. I contacted him and we have an awesome relationship, our whole family. He never knew about me and was so excited when I told him I was married with children and a grandchild. He never married or had any children of his own and is very appreciative of me and his new family (he also lives nearby). After doing quite a bit of research as to how I should contact my birth mother, I am terrified. It appears that she has a married name and I do not want to contact her in any way that would cause problems in her current circumstances. I identify as black and I look black. This is not something I am trying to force on people around her nor cause her any distress. I would like for her to know that I found my father and that I am okay. Should I reach out? I am terrified seriously about rejection (I was put up for adoption in the 60s and I don't know how a baby and a black baby at that would have gone over in her family), but I still feel the urge to let her know I turned out all right. She didn't give the adoption agency permission for me to contact her so is that a "NO"? Should I let it go? Should I hire and investigator to slip her a note about me??? Sorry for the length of this post. Thanks in advance. (my birthfather hasn't spoken to her since before I was born)
First of all, congratulations on reuniting with your birth father! It's good to hear that it has worked out so well!
Most (if not all!) birth mothers want to at least know that their baby is doing well, even if they haven't processed their adoption experience or shared it with others and may be unwilling to engage in a reunion. If you can find her, I think a letter would be a good starting point. Tell her a little about your life and what you're doing now. Let her know that you're open to hearing back from her but that there's no pressure. Make sure she understands that you don't want to disrupt her life and that you don't need anything from her.
I've heard a lot of people who have gone through search and reunion say that you need to make sure that you're in a place emotionally where you'll be okay whether or not reunion is successful. It might not hurt to meet with a therapist a few times go over some of your fears/process your feelings about your adoption before you reach out.
Last update on May 17, 12:22 pm by rskousen.
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Thank you rskousen! It has been a year now. We have had growing pains for sure, but we are light years from where we started and are true family. My concern about sending a letter to my birth mother is that if she is married, what if the husband intercepts the letter. I don't know her situation and I don't want this information to go to anyone except her. I know her family has experienced a very stressful trauma some years ago and I don't want to add to it. I was thinking an investigator could pass the information along? Or do you think I could send a cryptic letter with a picture. Maybe a thank you card ? I dunno. I just want her to be in a safe space when she reads it. (my adopted father would have read any and all mail as he was controlling like that). Thanks for the advice.
Ah, I see what you're saying. I would definitely agree that having a private investigator deliver it directly to her would be the way to go. Please let us know what you decide to do!
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I'm a birth mom and I know lots of other birth moms. I have not met a single one who didn't at least want to know their child was alright. I am so blessed to have an amazing relationship with my birth daughter, it's been so healing for me. I see no reason why your relationship with her should be any less rewarding than mine. Even when I marry and have my own family I will always want that relationship with her. I can promise you your birth mom still thinks of you. I am so glad you've found your birth father, and I hope you can have a similar relationship with your birth mom!
After 30 years of wondering and searching I accumulated enough information to locate my birthparents. I found that I was the product of a white mother and black father who had a very brief fling in college. My 19 year old mother became pregnant in her freshman year at a university in Texas. Without telling my birth father, she came to California to conceal the pregnancy and give me up for adoption. She returned back to Texas and I was adopted and raised in California. I found my birth father quite easily as he has a presence online. I contacted him and we have an awesome relationship, our whole family. He never knew about me and was so excited when I told him I was married with children and a grandchild. He never married or had any children of his own and is very appreciative of me and his new family (he also lives nearby). After doing quite a bit of research as to how I should contact my birth mother, I am terrified. It appears that she has a married name and I do not want to contact her in any way that would cause problems in her current circumstances. I identify as black and I look black. This is not something I am trying to force on people around her nor cause her any distress. I would like for her to know that I found my father and that I am okay. Should I reach out? I am terrified seriously about rejection (I was put up for adoption in the 60s and I don't know how a baby and a black baby at that would have gone over in her family), but I still feel the urge to let her know I turned out all right. She didn't give the adoption agency permission for me to contact her so is that a "NO"? Should I let it go? Should I hire and investigator to slip her a note about me??? Sorry for the length of this post. Thanks in advance. (my birthfather hasn't spoken to her since before I was born)
Hey congratulations on finding your birth father and reuniting with him. Is your mother active in social media? If so, you can start from there.
I agree with Milie. Trying to contact her on social media will be better. Based on how she reacts you will figure out if you want to contact her or not. Anyways... The post is old and im kind of interested in finding out if you did reach out to her and how she reacted?