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Hi everyone! Feeling torn and needing advice. My husband and I have had a foster son for 2 years and 5 months. We are going to start the adoption process. The state is asking me to adopt his two younger brothers with him. This is difficult because I have never had more than one child in my home. One of my concerns is the middle brother who is 13 years old and is a handful, he stays in trouble but nothing serious. He has been in the foster home that he is in now for 4 years. His FM says he hits her and to get alone with him she lets him do what he wants. He refuses to do chores. His grades are poor, he has tried tobacco, the ecig and he always has something going on. We deeply care about him and want the boy we are adopting to be happy but he is also worse when he is around him. The boy we have was separated from the others due to bad behavior. If we don't adopt them they may be separated and that kills me. When I ask the social worker about the behavior of the middle boy she said the some of it is a result of the negativity from his foster mother. Im really nervous about taking him on. He spent the night with us two nights ago and everything was fine until I gave them chores to do and that's when he felt bad and had to go home. These 3 brothers visit with each other several times a week and our boy is only happy when they are together. I want them all but don't want a life of nothing but heartache. I would appreciate any suggestions or thought you all might have. Thanks
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This is tough. I say this because it's hard to keep siblings in touch as they get older. If you do take them, they need to be in trauma therapy. EMDR is one; there is another one but I'm having a senior moment. At 13, he definitely should have chores. See if the social worker will help you get them in trauma therapy. That should help with the behaviors. Then you can work on school, chores and other stuff. Good luck!
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I definitely agree that they need to get some therapy. I feel for you, you obviously seem to have all their best interest at heart, and that's very important. If they are separated, then yes it will be traumatic for all of them. My gut instinct would be to say if it is at all possible, they should stay together. However if you don't feel like this is going to work out and be a healthy situation for everyone, I would do my best to make sure the boys still have as much contact as possible.