Advertisements
I am 33 and was adopted when I was 2 months old. I have known I was adopted my whole life. My parents are amazing and they have given me all the love and support in the world. I count myself very blessed. It is because of this I have never really struggled with my adoption. I was always very thankful to be my parents son (and only child). Once I had children of my own I was truly able to appreciate the sacrifice and gift that my adoption was. I tell you all that so that you can appreciate how strange my story really is. Not only was I adopted but BOTH my birthparents were adopted. (I wish you could be there in every Doctors office visit when you get the medical history sheet.) For Christmas last year my wife decided to get me 23andMe because we were both very interested in what my genetic background looked like. I am very tall and have a red beard so we had our suspensions but thought it would be very cool to see. My background ended up being much like we suspected but it was nice to get some reassurance. One of the other features they offer is the DNA relatives section. Guess What? Birth Mother, First Cousin and Uncle! I was not sure what to do at first and as I mentioned I was pretty well adjusted with my adoption so I really didn't feel the need to engage with anyone yet. Plus I really didn't know what I would say. Luckily for me my cousin is the curious type and hit me up several days after my son was born. (6 weeks ago) It turns out that the Uncle that showed up was her dad but he had not seen it yet. She told me that she reached out to my birthmother as well as she showed up as an Aunt. As it turns out both my birth mothers parents were married, jut not to each other. in order to avoid scandal in a small town birth mothers mother left when she found out she was pregnant with birthmom and had her in a different city and gave her up for adoption. My cousin and I share a grandfather (moms' dad) but no one knew birthmom even existed. That grandfather has passed so birthmom really cant get any closure to find out if he even knew about her. Cousin has told her dad and he is taking the news well but they are hesitant to tell others in the family because grandmother is still alive and it would probably seem scandalous. I hope over time that changes and everyone knows the truth but I am just happy to talk to my cousin. (we still talk regulary and we are trying to meet up in the future) Cousin also told me that birthmom was excited to see me on 23andMe and was hoping I would reach out. To be honest I was nervous, really nervous but the best things in life lie on the other side of your greatest fears so I reached out. She was overjoyed to hear from me and was so thankful for my parents. (My mom had sent her, through the adoption lawyer, a letter about me each year for xmas with a pic for 21 years) I was able to get my birth story.I did learn that Birthmom had 2 sons after me with her husband and they have known about me. As it turns out Birthmom and Birthdad were in love/engaged and they were 20 years old. Birthdad was from the east coast and they had planned to have him move back and then birthmom would join him in 3-4 weeks. During that time she found out she was pregnant with me and when she called to tell him she never heard from him again. She was heartbroken but did what she thought was best for me. I try not to pass judgement on Birthdad but that's a pretty dick move. She did give me his name and as it turns out Birthdad has done a good job staying off the internet but he had a son who does look a lot like me. He is about 4 years younger than me and shares Birthdads name as a Jr. What I have been struggling with is if I should reach out to Birthdad Jr. I am aware of the ripples this may cause in a family. I am sure there is some bitterness from learning how he handled things. On the other hand, if the situation was reversed I would want to know if I had family. I know what its like to be an only child. This is the part where you all weigh in and tell me what you think I should do. :)
Like
Share
I think this is mostly about you, and what you want. Usually I don't hear stories that are bad about reunions with birth parents because even if the adoptee isn't thrilled with them, they at least have some of their questions answered. This is also not a relationship you would have to maintain if you didn't want to. I would give it a go if I were you.
Advertisements
It's really impossible to predict whether you reaching out will affect your birth dad and his family, so I say, go for it. He made his choice, and if it has challenging repercussions, that's not your fault. On the other hand, he may wonder about you and be interested in making amends for a crappy choice made when he was young. Personally, if I suddenly found out I had a long lost half-sibling out there, I would be excited to get to know them, even if it meant rearranging my opinions about my dad a little bit. Haha! I loved this quote from your story: "The best things in life lie on the other side of fear." So true.