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I heard an adoptee talk yesterday about how she always felt 100% comfortable talking to her parents about her birth family and origin story. They never made her feel like her love was a prize to be won, or that they were in competition with her birth parents. As a result, in her teens, she was able to form a positive relationship with her birth parents while maintaining strong ties with her (adoptive) mom and dad. What are some ways you think parents can help create a comfortable emotional environment for their adopted children, one where they feel safe asking questions about their adoptions and birth families?
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I think it definitely starts with being open adopt a child's adoption. Be there when the child wants to talk. And maybe more importantly, feel comfortable with who you are as a parent. So many people feel like they have to compete with the birth family, but I think if more had confidence in their parenthood and place in their child's life, the anxiousness could be subsided greatly. And when you remove feelings of contention and jealous, you only make room for more love for your child and his or her birth family.
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I think it's really important for adoptive parents to start the conversation! Children should grow up with their adoption story completely normalized. For example, my 20 month old birth daughter is already starting to have her adoption story normalized. The other day she pointed to herself, and then my belly, and then her own belly. Because her parents are already telling her I carried her in my belly. Their 5 year old son is also adopted, and he walked up to me and said "I grew in the other birth moms tummy right? And my sister grew in yours." Since their parents are bringing it up, it's completely normal for them to talk about it.As the kids grow older they may become less comfortable with their parents opening up that conversation, and that's okay. As long as their adoptive parents are always warm and receptive, they will know they can tlak about it.