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26 years ago, the birthmother and I I placed a child for adoption. The adoptive parents were 3 degrees of separation away, in that somebody we knew, knew somebody, who knew somebody trying to adopt. The 'agreement' at the time was that they would provide yearly updates in the form of a letter with photos.
Going forward, the adoptive family was more than generous and open with this protocol. This went on for 11-12 years and I have a full photo album to show for it. Obviously a mixed blessing as it carried both love and sadness, but in the end, good feelings all around I think.
A couple years ago, I ran into one of the 'degrees' of separation and long story short, I asked for and was given information on how to look her up. I went ahead and looked her up and debated for some time (8-10 months?) on whether and how to reach out. I finally decided that life is short and opened an anonymous email account, sending an email explaining that I was her birthfather and in the event she ever wanted to know more or have any kind of relationship, that i would check the email every 3 months or so. I was more than excited to receive an email the next day with tons of detail (and love). I returned the email and explained briefly the circumstances of the adoption and made efforts to point out that it was not done for any lack of love. Mom and I were 19 and 21 respectively. We were not sure that we were committed to eachother (we werent in the end) and we felt like our daughter deserved a better life than we could ever provide.
After a few emails back and forth, including discussion of her half siblings (I have 3 young children) she and I moved to text messaging, but never spoke. The messages were always warm and I made efforts to let her know that I was actively rooting for her success in almost every message. (she is an aspiring actress). At no time did she send any message or convey any feeling that things were too cozy or that she was uncomfortable in any way. The closest you might say was that some texts went unresponded to, as I know understand 25 year olds are prone to. When this occurred, the next text would pick up right where we left off. No hard feelings. We even discussed the general idea that we hoped to meet someday.
This year, I became divorced with shared parenting, so I found extra time on my hands. This made the possibility of meeting even more real. I sent a message mentioning that I had plans to be in her city for business (I didn't really) . She responded that she would be out of town but that we would do it some other time. A few days ago, I received a message from her, like, "hey I am actually in town this weekend if you are still coming in". I responded that I wasn't but that I would buy a ticket.
I bought a one day round trip ticket and flew there on a moment's notice. We arranged to meet in an outdoor cafe, and had the most wonderful, fulfilling time together. It couldn't have been warmer. I brought flowers and her baby pictures. I brought pics of siblings. We hugged and kissed and told each other "I love you" (several times). We had the waiter take a picture of us. Our smiles are practically jumping off the page. When we parted ways, she asked me to forward her the picture.
That night, I did forward her the picture. My message was to make sure she told her parents thank you and how much I appreciated their communications over the years.
Then the next morning, I awoke feeling wonderful from all of this. I had the feeling that something very significant took place (It had). I sent her a short message "How do you feel today?" no response
A few hours later, I sent her a message that I was leaving to go back home and how glad I was that we met and how proud I was of who she had become (specifically exempting myself from any credit). no response
A few hours after that, I began to worry...message "Hey just making sure alls good after yesterday" no response
When we were together, she mentioned that she mostly uses Instagram for communication. I created a profile and tried a note there. no response.
Today when i login to my profile, i am blocked from her account.
the range of emotions is overwhelming. I am generally a very good judge of people and again, the human, in person interaction was very warm and full of love.
What gives????
Last update on September 27, 10:53 am by Robert Adelman.
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Robert Adelman
Today when i login to my profile, i am blocked from her account.
the range of emotions is overwhelming. I am generally a very good judge of people and again, the human, in person interaction was very warm and full of love.
What gives????
Despite the quote of the tidbit above, I did read the entire message -- but I felt this was the most important part, so I quoted it.
First and foremost, you have to understand what it is like for someone who is adopted to finally meet someone who looks like them, may have similar characteristics of them, enjoys some of the same things they do. You've gone almost half her life knowing what she looked like. You've gone almost half her life with a general idea of where she was. Most importantly, you've gone your entire life, looking around you and seeing that familiar familial face at the Family Reunion.
She has not.
The emotions surrounding a 'reunion', so to speak, are enormous and everyone deals with those emotions differently. Maybe she felt overwhelmed by you being so overwhelmed. Maybe she was overwhelmed by some of the things I mentioned above.
It's hard to know what she's feeling, when we don't know her or you, obviously. But honestly, I'm going to go with my gut and say that, her whole life, she's had this 'idea' of who you were, what you looked like and how the whole adoption plan played out. Now, she's trying to right the plane.
I'd bet she's totally freaked out by it all. The REALITY of knowing you. She may need some time and space to sit back and collect her thoughts.
I'd send her one last email, leaving the ball in her court. Tell her you understand she might be dealing with some pretty intense issues and that you are here for her, whenever she needs you. Tell her you are going to give her some space to work through whatever emotions she's feeling and you're going to allow her to be the one to re-initiate contact when she's comfortable.
Let go. Let God, as they say.
Whatever you do, don't try to force the relationship. Remember, she has parents that have loved her and raised her all of her life. She doesn't see you in that role, she sees you as a friend and no one wants needy friends.
Keep coming back, hash out some thoughts -- even write a brief letter and post it, so we can take a look.
It's all going to be okay, though. Even if you never hear from again, you now know she's okay, she's beautiful and you did the best you could.
I think that's the hardest part -- wondering if she'll ever be okay enough to cultivate a relationship with you.
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Thank you Brandy. Very helpful. I have literally never posted anything on a forum in my life. I can't believe how great this medium is for getting help to people in need. I will have to pay it forward.
I think I will take your advice and (in a few days) send that letter letting her off the hook. I couldn't agree more that nobody needs needy.
One question, does it change your answer in any way that we had exchanged numerous photos in the many months we were texting? (in other words, she recognized me from afar when we saw eachother). Also, she indicated that her parents had been very open with her about the adoption from early on? While she did ask questions when we met, nothing seemed to upset her.
Brandy
Despite the quote of the tidbit above, I did read the entire message -- but I felt this was the most important part, so I quoted it.
First and foremost, you have to understand what it is like for someone who is adopted to finally meet someone who looks like them, may have similar characteristics of them, enjoys some of the same things they do. You've gone almost half her life knowing what she looked like. You've gone almost half her life with a general idea of where she was. Most importantly, you've gone your entire life, looking around you and seeing that familiar familial face at the Family Reunion.
She has not.
The emotions surrounding a 'reunion', so to speak, are enormous and everyone deals with those emotions differently. Maybe she felt overwhelmed by you being so overwhelmed. Maybe she was overwhelmed by some of the things I mentioned above.
It's hard to know what she's feeling, when we don't know her or you, obviously. But honestly, I'm going to go with my gut and say that, her whole life, she's had this 'idea' of who you were, what you looked like and how the whole adoption plan played out. Now, she's trying to right the plane.
I'd bet she's totally freaked out by it all. The REALITY of knowing you. She may need some time and space to sit back and collect her thoughts.
I'd send her one last email, leaving the ball in her court. Tell her you understand she might be dealing with some pretty intense issues and that you are here for her, whenever she needs you. Tell her you are going to give her some space to work through whatever emotions she's feeling and you're going to allow her to be the one to re-initiate contact when she's comfortable.
Let go. Let God, as they say.
Whatever you do, don't try to force the relationship. Remember, she has parents that have loved her and raised her all of her life. She doesn't see you in that role, she sees you as a friend and no one wants needy friends.
Keep coming back, hash out some thoughts -- even write a brief letter and post it, so we can take a look.
It's all going to be okay, though. Even if you never hear from again, you now know she's okay, she's beautiful and you did the best you could.
I think that's the hardest part -- wondering if she'll ever be okay enough to cultivate a relationship with you.
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Robert,
It really doesn't change what I said. It's just very different when the face in the picture is standing in front of you breathing.
Example:
I met my first husband online in 1998. We talked for a full two years (including sharing pictures, sending gifts, etc). Finally, in early 2000, he flew to DFW and I picked him up. No matter how hard I tried not to be totally spazzed out by the whole situation, I couldn't help it. Sure, I'd seen his pictures, worn one of his favorite shirts and even met (online) some of his friends.
But there he was. Breathing. Being a real person. Touchable.
I really didn't take it so well. He looked so different from the pictures. Everything I had envisioned about him, about that day and about the two weeks we'd spend together now slapped me across the face.
I walked around for three days feeling like I was going to puke LOL
But, then the 'idea' of him was replaced by him.
To go even further -- I'm an adoptee and I was raised in open adoption back in the 70's and 80's when open adoption wasn't even a thing. I knew my birthmother and half brother very well up to my late teens. We visited often. But then I went away to college, met the guy I talked about above, moved to North Carolina (then Illinois, then Arizona, then California and now Mississippi) and we lost touch.
I saw her again after more than 20 years last summer -- she'd changed so much. It took me a day or two to process things.
Just hang in there. Do leave it up to her. Regardless of her knowledge about the adoption, it's still something so monumentous, it's done some upending to her world, I'm sure.
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It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates emotionally. She is probably feeling overwhelmed, and may be struggling to balance her feelings for her adoptive family and her feelings for you. I don't think you did anything wrong, I think she likely just has a lot going on.
I know it's not easy- I'm a birth mother and all I want is to love on my birth daughter. The waiting and hoping and wondering is hard. But it's necessary. I hope she comes around.
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