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Hi everyone,
My twins were born 10 months ago and, three weeks after they were born, I was regretting having them. I am in a very unusual situation in that I am single and used a sperm donor. I talked to my mother, who is a counselor, about giving the twins up for adoption and she was strongly against it and kept telling me that it would get easier. After 3 months, I began seeing a therapist, who also told me that things would get easier. Her recommendation was to outsource everything (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc) in order to avoid the pain and permanence that she feared adoption would bring. Neither my mom nor the therapist think I am depressed. They think I am facing the very real challenge of raising twins on my own.
I agree with her that it would be extraordinarily painful and that probably every day of my life, I would think of my sons. However, I feel like I am drowning and can't get my footing. The past 10 months have been pure, hard work and extremely little time for myself. I am losing all sense of who I am and I think of adoption every single day. I would be doing it to get out from under the hard work of being a single mom, which is selfish, especially since I used a sperm donor. However, I honestly didn't know what I was signing myself up for. Part of me is so scared and so tired. If I give my sons up for adoption, I will grieve more than I have ever grieved before. I think I will probably have to take disability from work. In fact, I am sure my family will no longer have anything to do with me, I will need to move and I will need to find a new job. I know I give these boys a very good life with a nanny, me, my mom, music classes, swimming, long walks, no TV but instead 4 hours of face-to-face interaction/play each day. So, this post probably sounds extremely selfish since I haven't mentioned that it would be better for them to go to a new family. I honestly think I take care of them as well as another family would. It is hard, with so much social stigma, to even write this here. Thank you, to anyone who read all of this.
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