More open than we want

Originally Posted By DebWe are in the process of adopting our three-year old niece. She has lived with us for the past 15 months since she was removed from her parents' home at age 23 months. Her birth father is my brother with whom I've always had a very strained relationship. There were five other children (4 siblings with the same mother and 1 sibling with the same father) that were also removed from the home. Parental rights were relinquished to save further prosecution (CSC charges were later plea bargained to another count of child abuse). One element of my brother's probation (after he's released from jail in a few weeks) is no unsupervised contact with any child under the age of 18 for three years. Although the birth mother was not prosecuted, her actions certainly asked for it.This little girl has come a long way since she became part of our family. She no longer runs to hide in her closet when she's been hurt or is scared. I have become her mommy, my husband has become her daddy, and our 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter have become her brother and sister. She is happy here.She remembers her birth parents from pictures, but rarely speaks of them, although she refers to her siblings regularly. In fact, we continue to have some contact with all five of them. We do not intend to hide the fact that she was adopted. The problem is that my mother wants to believe that the extended family can continue to celebrate holidays together, etc., as if nothing ever happened. She sees no harm in the child continuing to refer to her birth parents as mommy and daddy and equates this situation to a divorce where the non-custodial parent continues to be a regular part of the child's life. We don't see it that way.We are very concerned about the birth parents attempting to undermine our efforts to parent this child, and believe that this will be encouraged by my mother's attitude. While we certainly don't wish my brother or his wife any ill will, we don't think now is an appropriate time for them to have contact. But how do we know when the time is right? The bottom line is we want to do what is best for our (soon to be adopted) daughter, but we don't know how to determine what's in her current best interest.Can anyone help?

Originally Posted By KSilberDear Deb,Adoptions within a family can be very successful, but, as you recognized, there are unique issues involved with this type of adoption. There are two areas of a possible solution: discussing the adoption with your family and then structuring the visits.One common issue with kinship adoptions is boundaries. The situation you describe with your mother - wanting to continue to refer to your daughter's birthparents as Mommy and Daddy - must be addressed. It is important that your whole family understand what adoption is, and that you and your husband are now THE Mommy and Daddy. I recommend that your daughter's birthparents have new "titles", perhaps their first names, or Aunt and Uncle. But their titles must be agreed upon by everybody and used consistently. For your daughter's sake, it is also important that everyone in the family recognize these new roles.Once these roles are clarified among the family, visits seem very appropriate. From what you have said, it sounds like your daughter is adjusting very well. When visiting with your daughter's birthparents, explain to your daughter who you are going to visit (That is, the parents who brought her into the world, or it is common for adoptive parents to describe how she grew in her birthmother's tummy). Reassure her that after the visit you will all go home together. It is possible that she will fear she is going to move again, and you want to give her confidence that this is not the case. You can plan an activity for after the visit and refer to it on your way to see her birthparents. For example, "After we visit John and Judy (or their new titles), we will go home and go out for pizza." This will help your daughter understand that she is coming home and that you are still her Mommy and Daddy.You will probably want to keep the visits very brief at first. You and your husband should be with her while she visits her birthparents to reassure her that this is safe and so that you can see how she reacts to this situation. As you have probably already decided, it would be best to not allow her birthparents to take her alone in another room, at least for a while. Mommy or Daddy should be with her the entire time. As you visit your daughter's birthparents with her, observe her reaction. You can expect that she may express some strong emotions and perhaps act out somewhat; this is a very emotional relationship for her now. It is good for her to be able to express these emotions. However, if the visits seem to overwhelm her, you may choose to make the visits less frequent or even discontinue them for a time.I feel that contact with a child's birthparents benefits the child by taking the secrecy and mystery out of the adoption process. Your daughter is fortunate to have such thoughtful, caring parents, and birthparents who are concerned enough about her to want continued involvement in her life. Best wishes as your whole family adjusts to these new relationships.Regards,Kathleen

We have seen this type of situation occur particularly in independent programs where counseling is not incorporated into the process -- for the adoptive parents as well as the birthparents. Without that counseling it can be more emotional now that the child is in your home. I agree with most of the books on openness, so here are some additional suggestions of how you might be able to increase your knowledge of open adoption beyond the child's first year. Adoptive parents are often surprised that they can be more open than they ever thought, if they are able to focus their education on the needs of the adopted child.Thus, before you decide how to address the relationship with your child's birthparents, find out if there are any half-day or one-day workshops on adoption going on in your area. Perhaps attend a meeting of an adult adoptees support group, such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA). Understanding some of the difficult issues adult adoptees, who do not know their birthparents, face might open you up to consider some additional flexibility with the birth mother. If so, you might consider making adjustments in small steps, so all parties can adjust. A workshop or counseling session might also confirm a particular issue that you don't want to bend on as well.It sounds like you have checked out some books, but there are other open adoption books to consider. My book, Children of Open Adoption, examines the experiences of many children in open adoptions, from infancy to adolescence. The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia is also good for some of the issues you are currently dealing with. On this website, you can click on the word "SHOP" at the top of a page on this site and go to Tapestry Books offers a free adoption book catalog which you can order by calling 800-765-2367.In an open adoption the relationships with birthparents are ongoing and sometimes do require some adjustments by the parties involved. Good luck in working through these issues.Regards,Kathleen

We are in the process of adopting our three-year old niece. She has lived with us for the past 15 months since she was removed from her parents' home at age 23 months. Her birth father is my brother with whom I've always had a very strained relationship. There were five other children (4 siblings with the same mother and 1 sibling with the same father) that were also removed from the home. Parental rights were relinquished to save further prosecution (CSC charges were later plea bargained to another count of child abuse). One element of my brother's probation (after he's released from jail in a few weeks) is no unsupervised contact with any child under the age of 18 for three years. Although the birth mother was not prosecuted, her actions certainly asked for it.This little girl has come a long way since she became part of our family. She no longer runs to hide in her closet when she's been hurt or is scared. I have become her mommy, my husband has become her daddy, and our 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter have become her brother and sister. She is happy here.She remembers her birth parents from pictures, but rarely speaks of them, although she refers to her siblings regularly. In fact, we continue to have some contact with all five of them. We do not intend to hide the fact that she was adopted. The problem is that my mother wants to believe that the extended family can continue to celebrate holidays together, etc., as if nothing ever happened. She sees no harm in the child continuing to refer to her birth parents as mommy and daddy and equates this situation to a divorce where the non-custodial parent continues to be a regular part of the child's life. We don't see it that way.We are very concerned about the birth parents attempting to undermine our efforts to parent this child, and believe that this will be encouraged by my mother's attitude. While we certainly don't wish my brother or his wife any ill will, we don't think now is an appropriate time for them to have contact. But how do we know when the time is right? The bottom line is we want to do what is best for our (soon to be adopted) daughter, but we don't know how to determine what's in her current best interest.Can anyone help?

Dear Deb,Adoptions within a family can be very successful, but, as you recognized, there are unique issues involved with this type of adoption. There are two areas of a possible solution: discussing the adoption with your family and then structuring the visits.One common issue with kinship adoptions is boundaries. The situation you describe with your mother - wanting to continue to refer to your daughter's birthparents as Mommy and Daddy - must be addressed. It is important that your whole family understand what adoption is, and that you and your husband are now THE Mommy and Daddy. I recommend that your daughter's birthparents have new "titles", perhaps their first names, or Aunt and Uncle. But their titles must be agreed upon by everybody and used consistently. For your daughter's sake, it is also important that everyone in the family recognize these new roles.Once these roles are clarified among the family, visits seem very appropriate. From what you have said, it sounds like your daughter is adjusting very well. When visiting with your daughter's birthparents, explain to your daughter who you are going to visit (That is, the parents who brought her into the world, or it is common for adoptive parents to describe how she grew in her birthmother's tummy). Reassure her that after the visit you will all go home together. It is possible that she will fear she is going to move again, and you want to give her confidence that this is not the case. You can plan an activity for after the visit and refer to it on your way to see her birthparents. For example, "After we visit John and Judy (or their new titles), we will go home and go out for pizza." This will help your daughter understand that she is coming home and that you are still her Mommy and Daddy.You will probably want to keep the visits very brief at first. You and your husband should be with her while she visits her birthparents to reassure her that this is safe and so that you can see how she reacts to this situation. As you have probably already decided, it would be best to not allow her birthparents to take her alone in another room, at least for a while. Mommy or Daddy should be with her the entire time. As you visit your daughter's birthparents with her, observe her reaction. You can expect that she may express some strong emotions and perhaps act out somewhat; this is a very emotional relationship for her now. It is good for her to be able to express these emotions. However, if the visits seem to overwhelm her, you may choose to make the visits less frequent or even discontinue them for a time.I feel that contact with a child's birthparents benefits the child by taking the secrecy and mystery out of the adoption process. Your daughter is fortunate to have such thoughtful, caring parents, and birthparents who are concerned enough about her to want continued involvement in her life. Best wishes as your whole family adjusts to these new relationships.Regards,Kathleen

I hope that all adoptive parents are as understanding and considerate as you. You see, I gave birth to my ("their") son almost two months ago and I gave him up for adoption for certain reasons. I chose not to see him at that time for fear of falling in love with him. I want to know who got in contact first with who? You or the birthparents? And, how much time did you or them give before doing so?

I am really sorry about your experiences but the message titled "Comment" wasn't meant for you......Sorry...

Hi! The message titled "Comment" was intended for you. Again here's what I wrote...I hope that all adoptive parents are as understanding and considerate as you. You see, I gave birth to my ("their") son almost 2 months ago and I gave him up for adoption. I chose not to see him at birth for fear of falling in love with him. I want to know who got in contact with who first. You or the birthparents? And, how much time did you or the birthparents give before doing so? Thank!!!

Originally Posted By danielle marmonI am a birthmom, and I can understand how you feel I have read the above mentioned book Children of Open Adoption, it is a wonderful book. I love and care for my daughters adoptive parents and the last thing I would want to do is make them feel uncomfortable with anything that I was asking of them. I do feel that open adoption is like adding a lot of new members to all families involved and as with all families I think that honesty is the best policy. I think that your childs best interests should always be the first priority. I can understand your concerns for not wanting to "brake her heart", but I do think that you should not feel uncomfortable telling her your concerns. She placed with you because she felt that you were best suited to make decisions for her child. And with time the relationship will blossom into a something that will work for all parties involved. I must also say that have a lot of contact with my daughter, her adoptive parents and I get a long great, in the original agreement we said that there would be visits once or twice a year, and evolved into us seeing each other more than that, because we were ALL comfortable with it . I don't know how things will be in the future, but I hope that we will continue to have an open and honest relationship with each other, after all that is the most you can hope to have of any relationship!Thank you, and I hope that things work out for youand your family.

I am about six months pregnant and only found out about two and a half months ago. I have two children already and I know I can't handle another. A family member and his wife want to adopt the baby. We have questions that have yet to be answered. Their lawyer said it takes a long time to adopt, will they be able to take the baby from the hospital without any problems? Will I have to get the baby out of the hospital? Couldn't I just sign a temporary contract stating the things that we have already agreed on? What about the birth certificate? Whose names go on it? I live in Pennsylvania and they live in Maryland, are the laws different, what exactly can we do so they can take the baby home right after I have it? I greatly appreciate your help.

Originally Posted By Heather ThiffaultI am in the process of adopting my two nieces out of foster care. They have been with me for a year and a half. They are now ages 2 and 3. I am faced with the same problems - how much openness do you give the biological parents. There problem is heroin and I have told them that they need to be sober for one year before we discuss what kind on visits they will be having with the children. How many times a year is in the childrens best interest? HELP

Originally Posted By LisaI am an adoptive Mom of two beautiful girls, ages 4 and 6 and I'm struggling also with how much openess to add to our original adoption agreement of photos and letters. We did meet with our birthfamilies until the girl's third birthdays and I have a great deal of love and concern for these families. Part of me would love to open our adoptions completely with visits and calls welcome. I can see how both would benefit all of us, including my daughters in many ways. However, these are my reservations.1. One daughter's birthfamily desires more involvement than the other's. How do we protect the feelings of the one if her birthfamily doesn't visit and call, and her sister's do? 2. The books I've read on open adoption all claim that visits with the birthparents don't confuse the child and that they will still know that the adoptive parents are Mom and Dad. I know of 2 adoptive families with open adoptions where the child WAS confused by the visits and it caused rebellion against the adoptive parents. The birthmoms referred to themselves as "Mom" and of course they became the mom that was always nice, didn't discipline and always brought lots of gifts. I can see how that could cause problems. 3. I think I need some 'distance' from the birthmoms because I need to feel like I am my children's real mom. I don't know how I can relate this to our birthmoms without hurting them. Society treats adoptive moms like their kids aren't 'really' their kids and I am constantly asked about their 'real' parents. (Aren't I real?) I'm afraid close contact with the birthmoms would make me feel less like 'Mom' and more like a nice lady that has just agreed to raise these kids. In order for adoptive Moms to really bond with their kids and feel deep love for their kids, they have to feel like they are THE Mom.I know that sounds selfish, but you don't love the neighbor's kids like you love your own, and in order for me to love my kids, I need to feel like they REALLY are mine.   Can anyone relate with me? I love our birthmoms. I really do. And I don't want to shut them out. And I would even like more involvement with them. But am I asking too much to ask them to seperate our roles and let me be Mom? I would love to hear from other adoptive families, birthparents, and of course from adoptees who have been there. I need your advise!