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I an new to this forum. After reading through many of the posts, there is a lot of experience with open adoption, but a seeming absence of one element, the views of open adoptees.
Perhaps I am alone in this. There is no doubt that many adoptees in traditional adoptions do have many unresolved issues. The assumption seems to be that because these problems exist, the concept of closed adoption is flawed. Has anyone asked the question of whether it is the system that is flawed, or rather, is it the way the issue was handled with the adoptee by their adoptive parents was flawed.
Before the flaming begins, I am benficiary of a closed adoption. I was adopted by my parents in 1966, was told about being adopted when I was 6, and to date, have never been particularly curious about my birth parents, except to wonder about my medical history.
My wife and I find ourselves beginning the process of adoption. We have suffered two miscarriages and now 4 years of infertility, despite surgery and infertility therapy.
I see the number of contested adoptions in the news, the struggle that ensues when a birth mother changes her mind after a few years, and the pain that adoptive parents go through when face with the threat of losing their child. The issues many of the contributors to this forum raise regarding birth parents who want to exceed their original agreements, who send unwanted gifts and messages only reinforces my concern with the concept of open adoption.
I post this to hear the other side of the issue. Perhaps I am alone, but as an adoptee, the most natural thing in the world seems to me to be having one and only one set of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, just like all my friends have. And the risk of the emotional and legal disruptions, however small, seem to far outweigh, in my mind, the small benefits of open adoption.
I would be very interested in hearing the views and experiences of adoptees of both open and traditional adoptees.
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Originally Posted By Kathleen Silber
I am not an adoptee, so I will leave it to others to respond to
your questions from the perspective of the adoptee. As an adoption
professional with over 30 years of experience in both closed and open
adoption, I can tell you that I truly believe that open adoption is
healthier for children. I understand that you have had no curiosity about
your birthparents or interest in meeting them, but, in my experience, you
are in the minority. Most children grow up with many unanswered questions
and some even develop psychological problems as a result of these unanswered
questions. Why should a child have to spend year after year wondering about
and asking the same questions over and over, with no answers? As a parent,
you will want to have answers for your child for all sorts of questions, and
adoption should be one of them. If your child turns out not to be that
curious, then it isn't a problem that you have a lot of information
available. But if your child has questions and you do not have information
or access to getting information, then you have a major problem!
I understand your concern about contested adoptions. But that has nothing
to do with open adoption! A birthmother can change her mind or contest an
adoption in a closed adoption, as well. In fact, it is more likely to
happen in a closed adoption because the birthparent(s) have limited
information about the adoptive parents and no access to ongoing contact.
When she is grieving after the child is born, she(they) may not be able to
handle the unknowns of a closed adoption. In contrast, in open adoption, the
birthparent knows first hand that her child is in a good home (people she
has selected and gotten to know) and she/they can share in the joy of
knowing that their child is healthy and doing well. This helps them work
through the normal stages of grief much more quickly and easily. So, in my
experience, adoptive parents are less likely to experience a re-claim or
contested adoption in an open adoption.
In terms or your fears about birthparents' "demands," it is very important
for adoptive parents to work with an agency that provides counseling and
education to all parties about open adoption. This includes the counselor
discussing with birthparents what open adoption is and what it is not--and
it is not shared parenting! Counseling is critical to be sure that the
birthparent can live with making a permanent plan for her child and can
respect the role of the adoptive parents. Many of the "problem" cases you
hear about involve people who have done an open adoption on their own,
without this important counseling component. So, if you are considering open
adoption at all, I encourage you to work with a licensed agency that can
provide counseling, education, and support to all parties.
Best of luck!
Regards,
Kathleen Silber
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Originally Posted By JenniferS
I am a birthmother with an open adoption. As cited from the book "Children of Open Adoption" by Kathleen Silber (who moderates this board) and Patricia Dorner, this open adoption relationship "includes the birthparents and adoptive parents meeting one another, sharing full identifying information, and having access to ongoing contact over the years." Well, as Eric is only six months old, maybe the part about "over the years" doesn't quite fit, but everything else does! When I received maternity & adoption counseling in the month prior to Eric's birth, my counselor told me about the somewhat new idea of open adoption. At first, I doubted this idea because it didn't seem very well defined. I was afraid that I would never fully agree with any adoptive couple on how to proceed with letters, pictures, phone calls, or visits. It was very hard for me to sit down and say "I am going to want a letter with three photos every two months" or any kind of "contract" like that. Greg, Michelle & I basically decided that if we were all honest with each other, that we would mutually decide what was best for the three of us and for Eric later on when he could start to understand his adoption.
Well, six months down the line, we have settled into a bit of a routine for Eric's infant stage. We talk on the phone about once a week just to say "Hi" and get the latest news. When we feel like we have special stories to tell or have gifts or pictures to exchange, we arrange a visit. At any time, though, if Greg & Michelle get busy with their (perfect & adorable!) baby or don't feel up for a phone conversation, they feel comfortable enough to let me know that they would like to call me back at a later time. And I feel the same way. It has taken a lot of trust to get to this point, though. Many times I was very hesitant to initiate any contact with Greg & Michelle, fearing that they would think I was being too intrusive. Come to find out, they were hesitant for the same reasons! I have learned that with complete honesty & trust, everyone involved in open adoption can build a solid relationship based on shared decisions and goals.
Openness is the growing trend in adoption and the choice that a majority of birthmothers will prefer to traditional, or closed, adoptions. I mentioned the book "Children of Open Adoption" in the beginning of this (epic) message and I strongly recommend that you read it to give both you and your wife a good introduction and understanding of the benefits of open adoption for everyone involved. It shares many specific examples and stories of how open adoption has worked for birthparents, adoptive parents, and the adoptee.
I would like to offer another perspective, as I am both a birthmother AND an adoptee. My adoption was a traditional adoption, as most were 20 years ago. I had similar feelings that you have expressed. I always knew that I was adopted, and grew up being very comfortable with that fact. It wasn't unsettling for me as a child. But, as Kathleen said, there are not the typical feelings of an adoptee. However, upon the birth of Eric, I did decide to search for my birthmother. I felt a very strong desire to thank the woman who gave me the wonderful life I am living. On March 20, 2001, I talked to my birthmother on the phone. We now talk two or three times a week now, and she flew in from Michigan to meet me down in Texas about a month ago. From this reunion experience, I feel that I am truly blessed to have another person in my life that loves me dearly. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, who could never be replaced by anyone, and they have welcomed Annie into their lives as well because they see how much happiness she has brought me. I don't really see Annie as second set of parents, just someone else that I will always feel love and gratitude for. And seeing and hearing her love for me has brought me happiness that I never knew was missing. My life was good before, and it is even better now! Just because things seem to be okay now doesn't mean there's not any room for things to get better!
I have experienced the joy that an adoptee can feel upon knowing their birthfamily, and for that reason, I am completely dedicated to ensuring that my birthson will have the same opportunity, as he grows older. I would never want to deprive him from the opportunity to know me. By building a relationship with his parents now, I will surely be ready for him when he is ready for me. I hope that my response has been helpful to you, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue to look into adoption for your family.
-Jennifer
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