successful internet matches?

Hello Kiara, Hope you are doing well. You asked if anyone has matched online. Well, I have a few friends that have met their children's birthmoms online. Actually, one of my friends met all three online. My husband and I had met a wonderful woman a year ago Septemebr, but she decided to parent one week before her son's birth. WE are still devastaed, but in no way are we mad at her for her decision. She has every right to change her mind, just wish she didn't wait till the last minute. WE would love to find a loving birthmom that would consider us their special family. I hope to one day find that special person that is hoping to bond with the adoptive parents. I know I want to be there for her through it all, hold her hand, and share in such a miracle. Good luck to you Nancy ;-)

Hi, I have been trying to meet birthmothers online now for months. How do you do that? I feel like I am being cold and unfeeling asking a birthmother to give me her child. Is this a normal feeling. I mean we want an infant terribly and I refuse to pay agency fees, they just seem to money hungry for me, and how do you know the mother gets anything? If you can give me any hints on how to be tactful I would appreciate it. ruth

Ruth, While I do wish you luck, I did notice some things you are saying are wrong. A birthmother is not ever giving you their child, she is trusting and placing her child with you. Do lots of research and go to places like [url]http://www.parentprofiles.com/[/url] and read other adoptive parents Profiles just to get an idea of what to say and not say. I am not only a Birthmother, but a soon to be an adoptive Mom and wife of an adoptee. Please feel free to E Mail me if you have any questions or just need an E Pal. Dana Dreamsofachild@aol.com "Hi, I have been trying to meet birthmothers online now for months. How do you do that? I feel like I am being cold and unfeeling asking a birthmother to give me her child. Is this a normal feeling. I mean we want an infant terribly and I refuse to pay agency fees, they just seem to money hungry for me, and how do you know the mother gets anything? If you can give me any hints on how to be tactful I would appreciate it. ruth"

I guess I am asking the same question or a similar question as Ruth. We are a great couple that have not had any children yet. I know there are people out there with the 30+K to adopt, but we are not them. I am very frustrated because we want to be able to give our love to a baby so very much, but It seems so hard to tactfully find someone to build that relationship with to say please trust me to raise your child and guide them into being everything you ever dreamed for them. We've met a couple birthmoms that care nothing about themselves much less thier unborn child. While we are not against having a child that has had a rough start like that, we'd very much like to find someone who needs help, just like we do. I want to find someone who's not in it to get as much out of it as the law allows, or doesn't allow. I want someone who wants the world for thier child and will be an active participant in helping us fulfil ours and thier dreams.

Hi, I have been wondering many of the same questions. I'm almost 35 and my husband is 40. We've been married 14 years now and have been trying to conceive for 5 years. After going through infertility treatments, and going through a heartbreaking miscarriage we decided to adopt. We were so relieved to be able to stop all the doctoring and move towards what we wanted most....a child to love, go to the park with, read stories to....someone to wake up to each day to with a smile. You hear about the need for adoptive parents...but you don't hear about the long waits, the costs, the paperwork until you get into the adoption process. In my state to adopt an infant right now means getting on a waiting list....and then in about a year starting the process.....and actual time of placement is currently almost 4 years. I know that we've gone through infertility for that long.....but the thought of waiting another 4 years is heartbreaking. So now we too have turned to trying to figure out how to meet a birthmom also. I see many internet sites where you can post a profile and am trying to decide which ones are "trustworthy". I have spent a lot of time reading people's profiles and see there are so many wonderful families out there wanting a child to love. I know that the birthmother's who read those profiles have some hard decisions to make as to who to trust also....they are making a life long decision as to who they feel would give their child a great life. I have dreamed of the day when I would see a child out in our yard playing on swings, riding bikes, playing in the trees with the kitties, and going to get ice cream with grandpa and grandma. And it is that thought that keeps us motivated to see our dreams come true. Adoption isn't and easy process or a cheap process. It's sad that it seems to have gotten to be a process where "money" seems to be a big factor. Good luck to each of you in finding the little miracle who will make your lives complete. Jade

Our sons' birhmom found us online at parentprofiles as well. We had been on-line for 6 months when she contacted us the first time - just 2 months before the boys were born! We talked to 3 or 4 other PBM's who I believe were sincere, but found other families who "fit" better. I also talked to a PBM that didn't seem like a good "fit" for us, and terminated our relationship (in a timely, polite way - she still had time to find a better fit for her and hopefully is very happy with her decision). I also talked to a couple of people who I belive were "messing" with me - neither asked for money, but I'm also not convinced that they were who they said they were. Bottom line, if a PBM is not willing to talk to your agency, social worker, or attorney, something isn't right. That doesn't mean you shouldn't continue your relationship, just be aware that the probabilty that some sort of problem will crop up increases. Good luck!! Michelle

I am a hopeful adoptive parent and saw your post. I was wondering that same thing. This is my first day at this website, so I was curious about that. I am also an adoptee myself. I have not heard of any internet matches, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens. When I was adopted back in the 70s, they only had completely closed adoptions. It's amazing how things have changed, and now people are even hooking up on the internet. Best of luck to you, Jaime

I was reading over some of these replies and do agree with the fact that doing research is very important. Some people can turn out to be not what you expected, although I'm sure there are a lot of good parents out there to meet on the internet. It is probably a good idea, eventhoguh you meet online, to go through an agency with the birthparents?

There is no such thing as a "PBM"--"potential birth mom." All pregnant women should be considered to be "expectant moms" until they actually DECIDE to place their child for adoption. Even though they may be CONSIDERING adoption, until that actually happens, they're just expecting like all other pregnant moms. Thanks! Sarah

Well said. Thank you. :) ~Sharon

Maria, congratulations on your new daughter. I wish your family lots of happiness! Best wishes, Sharon

Hi Sharon, Thanks for the reminder...it was late, I wasn't thinking. Our Birthmom signs her letters "With love Stars BM". I keep forgetting others tend to read more into "BM". Thanks for the reminder...:D Stars Mom

I agree with your comments and question. My husband and I have been waiting to adopt for five years. It seems as if the so called middle class families chances of adoption is very slim. I feel that it is rediculous for the fees to adopt to be so high. There are so many people who want to adopt who would be wonderful families but can't or they are limited to he amount of children they can adopt do to the cost. My husband and I are also foster parents but none of our foster children have been legally free to adopt. Children in fostercare who are adoptable are very rarley under the age of three. The fees to adopt a child through foster care goes from nothing to usually a couple hundred dollars depending on the state the child is from. If adoption is the same in foster adoption situations compared to "regular" adoptin why are the fees so different? Just wondering if anyone could explain it?

Hi, DavisGaskin!

We didn't mean to ignore you while we went off on a tangent. Sorry.

I think I can explain a couple of the reasons why foster/adoption cost the adopting parents so much less than adopting through an agency or an attorney.

#1. The state is responsible for finding a home for children in its care and therefore subsidizes a good portion of the expenses adoptive parents would have to pay for adoptions generating from an agency or attorney.

#2. Many agencies provide housing, counseling, and medical care for the birth mother and these expenses must be recovered from the adoptive parents, whereas the expenses for birth parents of children in foster/adopt situations are not the responsibility of either the state or the adoptive parents.

I'm sure there are other reasons more knowledgable posters can add to my short list. It is a shame that sometime finding homes for these children comes down to how much adopting families can afford, but these are the sad facts.

I 100% agree with you that a private message would be a far more appropriate venue for expressing sensitivies re: terms, abbreviations, etc. That would cut out the humiliation the complaints cause very well-intending members to feel, as well as keep the thread focused on the topic at hand....What a novel idea!!:)