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Originally Posted By Waiting in TNI wondered if some of you who have already adopted could share your experiences and suggestions about what to tell people who ask those sometimes innocently curious, but often uncomfortable questions about your adopted child. "Does she have any problems?" "Do you know much about her past?" We don't have a placement yet, but may be getting close, and I know that having other kids tease her about her past was a big source of hurt for the little girl we may get. And I'd like to keep most of the details private. But how do you nip those discussions in the bud without appearing rude yourself? People are already asking me those questions, and I'm fumfering around with awkward speeches about protecting her privacy, etc., that probably make her past sound worse than it is. My husband came up with an idea, to stave off those type of questions. He said, "Let's just tell them she's the daughter I didn't know I had!" You know, a brief encounter with a woman who never told him she had his baby, but just contracted a fatal illness or something and tracked him down. Have we been watching too many B movies? Anyway, I'd appreciate any feedback y'all can give us on this.
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How about humor that gets the point across. Responses like, I hear her parents were aliens from Mars, how about your kids?Something that is light, humerous but definately parallels her with other kids. Or innocently turn the same inquiry back at them, in regards to their own kids. This too would subtly get the point across. We really didn't get much of this with my son. So I really don't have any pat responses. DimasMom
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Originally Posted By Dr. Arthur Becker-WeidmanI've a few ideas...some come from personal experience. My youngest daughter is Chinese and I am not.Sometime a simple direct answer is best.That's a personal question.orWhy do you want to know?Other responses include:"Sure, I'd be glad to share such personal information with you after you answer one of my questions: How much money do you earn?What is the worst thing you've ever done?Anyone in your family ever been arrested?"That is the sort of thing we only share with personal friends.Yes, one mother was Chinese.You get the idea, I hope.Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.,Center For Family Development5820 Main St., suite 406Williamsville, NY 14221716-810-0790AWeidman@Concentric.net[url="http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com"]http://www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com[/url]
Originally Posted By Dr. Arthur Becker-WeidmanHaving your child practice and coaching your child is the best thing to do. Responses to prying can include:1. Why do you want to know? "just curious" Oh. 2. Ok, but first you have to tell me something personal about yourself.3. It's complicated, now isn't a good time to talk about that.You get the idea, I think. The best thing, thought, is to have your child practice with you. If your child has a bad experience, have your child describe what happened, who said what, and now, what your child wishes he/she had said or done. This is very helpful. It's fine if your child even says, "I wish I'd bonked him in the eye." Because, I hope, your child would not actually do that. However, just talking about what she/he would have liked to say or do is as good as if the child had actually done it and can be very releaving for the child.Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.Center For Family Development716-810-0790AWeidman@Concentric.net[url="http://www.center4familydevelop.com"]http://www.center4familydevelop.com[/url]
Originally Posted By PeggyThanks, We had our first tryout of, a new answer, last night. She actually listens to me now, and tries out what I recommend for her. So I am now more able to work with her on these type of situations. In the process of practicing, she told me about two girls making fun of her last year when she first moved in. I am assuming this is a good sign, that she is opening up with these types of details.
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Originally Posted By Late Bloomer... we were planning to do some "rehearsing" too. This was apparently a problem in our soon-to-be-daughter's last school where details were shared, and so I was hoping to come up with a couple possible responses to suggest to her. One I thought of was "it's a long story ..." I like your suggestion of "it's complicated", too. I'm thinking more of situations I've run into, where neighbors and friends are probably just trying to show interest, rather than being intentionally rude. So I'm hoping both these responses may get the message across to curious children, too, without seeming defensive. I've started using responses to that effect, and finding that nice folks get the point very quickly and move on to other topics. Anyone who doesn't, then I guess we can pull out the more hard-nosed replies! But it does seem like rehearsing is probably the key. Thanks for the feedback!