Miss being a Mom

An honest answer: If there is something missing in your life then searching to adopt a child is not the right answer. Adoption is or at least it should be about providing an enriching environment for a child born to unfavorable circumstances. Not about using a child to fullfill a void in your life. A baby is not a filler it is a human. I can understand your desire to be a parent if you feel you have a lot to offer a child in need but not if you have a need to fill. Children are not like furniture. You can't just put them where you want them in your life then when they don't fit the decore you can't stop nurturing them. First fullfill that thing you call something missing, then if you still have a desire to be a nurturing soul to another human being take another look at adoption. Would you be willing to adopt any child, any where, any age, any race, any time??? If the answer is no then you are not looking to help a child in need. You are looking for a child to feel your need, it won't work. There are hundreds of children everywhere praying for someone to nurture them, raise them, and love them reguardless of where they come from. Good luck.

I don't think that someone who isn't willing "to adopt any child, any where, any age, any race, any time" should be discounted from adopting. One of the benefits of adoption is the benefit of choice. We get to decide what sort of child will fit best in our family. Making those choices can be hard, but if you aren't honest with yourself, the child is the one who gets hurt. I admire people who volunteer to take in a child with severe disabilities and special needs. But there are those of us who will be wonderful parents who don't feel capable of taking on that challenge from the start. Bio parents make choices too. They choose not to use alcohol or drugs during pregnancy. They choose mates based on common interests, health, family, backgrounds and ethnicity (with varying degrees of importance based on their particular values). Those choices directly relate to the sorts of children they make. And, because they are choosing bio children, they also get to choose their age. Obviously, tragedies happen and any parent with an established relationship with a child would take on the necessary care. But that's different from choosing that life deliberately. Adoption isn't a charitable act -- yes, that may be an element in deciding where to adopt from, but adoption is a way of forming a family. Like all decisions to become parents, there's an element of selfishness involved. I think when Kcurran said there was something missing, she was talking about the same motives that all parents talk about when they decide to have children. Her mental picture of her life was one with children to care for. That hasn't happened and it makes her sad. A life with childre is different from a life without. That doesn't mean she has some sort of unhealthy need to fill, it means she wants to be a mother.

Thank you for your support today. There is nothing missing from my life that needs to be fixed. I have always wanted children. Sorry you find that to be a flaw. But since my last posting with trying to share with others about the loss, hurt and pain in failed infertility and failed adoptions we are parenting a child from a disruption. What are your children like? I hope you are not always so quick to judge people when they are hurting, and what a quick study you are by being able to make that assessment about me with only reading a few lines. Are you a psychiatrist? I hope not.

Here here! I understand your first post 110% I am so *with you* that when I read your post it was a "been there, felt that..." DH and I both agree that our life suffers from a children sized void. Of course, he thinks that void is about 2 kids wide while I am secretly wishing for a quartet. ;-) I totally disagree with Mixedup's remarks to you! <Adoption is or at least it should be about providing an enriching environment for a child born to unfavorable circumstances. Not about using a child to fullfill a void in your life.> Adoption is a two way street! If people ONLY adopted because there were children who needed homes I do not think they would really be helping the kid as much as they think they are. Charity can be a cold thing and frankly the remark that adoption is not about the adults wanting children in their life gives me full body shudders. I don't think it would be healthy for a kid to be adopted by somebody just because they had a spare bedroom and not because the child was really and truly WANTED!!! What a MIXEDUP post! Don't you just love the way SOME people can jump to the worst possible conclusions just so they can say something rotten to you? I would not let that post get to you, you are not alone out here in "wishing I was a parent right now land." Good luck with your adoption journey! ;-)

Obviously, I hit a sensitive nerve with those who responded to my "honest answer." First of all every one is entitled to their own opinion. You can take it or leave it, but before you start making personal attacks on ME perhaps you should take in consideration what I have gone thru. I would bet my LIFE those who responded to my message don't have a clue what it feels like to be an adopted child. Just because you adopt does not qualify you as an expert on adoptee's feelings. And no, I am not a psychiatrist, so you can take a big sigh of relief on that one. Oh I love this comment! Kiera: <Don't you just love the way SOME people can jump to the worst possible conclusions just so they can say something rotten to you?> If the truth hurts then so be it! But aren't you jumping to the "worst possible conclusion" in considering that saying what I FELT was just so I could say something "rotten." I am not condemning adoption! I was adopted at the age of 2. I did not mean to offend you or anyone else but I am offended when people say, "something is missing in my life" (and you did say that), then follow that line up with "I want a child." Sure adoption is a choice! Maybe we should just sell kids on the internet like merchandize or something. Then you could pick and CHOOSE which brand you want. Excuse my sarcasm but sometimes that is the way it seems to me. I never said wanting a child is a "flaw." as you put it. It is a heart wrenching decision when it involves taking someone else's child and raising it as your own. I can't stand it when aparents say "we wanted a child so much that we CHOSE you." PUKE! Most of the time (NOT ALWAYS-for those of you taking notes) The sad underlying truth is that they wanted a child and could not have a biological child so they adopt as a default. Why do you ask about my children? What relevance does that have to any of this? Did I ask you about your husband? I did not make any assessments about you I just made general statements not meaning you personally but people wanting to adopt in general. I think sometimes people do adopt for the wrong reasons and many for the right. I don't know anything about you except what you wrote so that is what I responded to. As for adoption being CHARITY. That is BS! I did not realize people would twist what I was saying about giving a child a loving home in to taking a child in for charity. If that were true I would be calling myself a charity case. What a horrible word to associate with adoption, why would you even suggest that word in relation to a child? I don't want to dissuade anyone from adopting AT ALL. I just want everyone thinking about it to consider the child first in every aspect of it instead of themselves. If it is meant to be it will happen for you and I wish you the best of luck. Just please consider every aspect and be HONEST with yourself so your adopted child doesn't one day say "something is missing in my life."

OK, just going to ignore the responses which got away from your original request - Here's my encouraging story: I got married in 1985 to my 'best friend'. There were many things in our life that brought us joy; our home, our friends, our families, our dogs, . But we talked about having children even before we talked about getting married. Just assumed we'd have a family. Years go by, all sorts of infertility treatments fail, we went on a govt adoption waiting list in 1989 (?), were released for home study about 3 years later (even tho they said we'd wait 8 - 10 years), put off home study while we went thru in vitro in 1993-4, much $$$, much failure, much grieving. Back to waiting list, went thru home study, completed in Sept 1996. In May of 1997 I got a phone call at work that we had been chosen to parent a 7 month old baby girl. Shock, joy, amazement, excitement. I Still Remember !!! We were asked to wait another 10 days to accomodate social workers holiday schedule, I begged and cried, Can't wait that long. The phone call was on a Tuesday, on the Wednesday I gave notice at my work, went to offices where we were given photos of our baby, told to choose a name, made arrangements to meet her on Friday. On Friday, we met the birthmother and held the baby; on Saturday, we took the baby out for the afternoon; on Sunday, she was buckled into her brand new carseat and headed home with us. I hope this is an encouraging story for you.. I never suffered any failed adoptions, nor had a birthmother change her mind, nor ... and my heart breaks for anyone who has. Ours is a happy story; our daughter is now approaching her 7th birthday, she is a beautiful child and truly a blessing. I am grateful everyday. We were released for homestudy again, to adopt a second child, the following May, and I procrastinated, and finally called and said, Let someone else have the same joy I've had. It's someone else's turn. My worker thanked me and said that whenever we were ready, we'd have a second baby within a year. Which was nice to know !! but we never became ready - I am so glad to have the child I have; I just think it would be unfair / selfish to adopt another at the expense of someone else remaining childless. Whenever I think about my choice to raise only one child, I hope that somewhere there is someone who was also able to adopt and complete their family. Now I'm rambling and I'll stop. Keep your chin up! Your turn will come! Babs

Mixed up is, ah.......grumpy.

It seems you have taken one hopeful parent's post so personally. There was a 'void' in my husband's and my life, so we chose to birth two children...6 years apart. There was still a void...so we chose to foster....about 18 children...of course not all at once...felt our family wasn't complete so we adopted one of those 18 kids...not that the others didn't "fit into" our living room decor, but because this little one came available for adoption...we never had the option to adopt any of the others, though we loved them all. Now we are no longer fostering, yet we still feel 'there is something missing'........we are waiting to bring home our special needs little guy from another state. I do feel more complete with children in my home...don't know what I will do when they're all grown and my husband says 'No more babies!" I'm hoping I will have grandbabies by then. I whole-heartedly agree with the post that suggested a hopeful parent should be realistic and honest about the type child they are able to parent, otherwise a disrupted adoption is inevitable, and the child suffers more. I hope as an adoptee, you haven't had terrible experiences....I hope you have had very loving and 'careful' parents. I'm not an adoptee, though I do want to learn all I can of the perceptions of adoptees so I can be a better parent to all of my children, biological or adopted. :) LynMaria

There is another component of adoption, that has been a good story for us. I have found the adoption journey has given my husband and I a common goal. We decided years ago... to not try and go through all the IVF and remain childless. We came to adoption from realizing that children would enrich our lives. As hard as this waiting is right now waiting for a match, this past year going to adoption workshops, figuring out what route to take, working on all those questions for the homestudy, searching through photos and writing our birthmother letter really brought us together. It's re-newed our marriage and relationship. We look forward to being parents, and I am thankful that adoption is available for those of us to are unfortunatley unable to give birth.:)

Well, I have 3 adopted children and one bio. In fact one of my adopted kids came after the bio kid because I really needed a girl. So I guess some could see me as selfish. I think my daughter sees me as a mom that thinks she is a princess but still makes her sit in a time out when she is a stinker. I love having 4 kids. I want another. We aren't sure yet if it is through adoption or bio yet. Or if #5 will ever even happen. I like the big house full of kids. I like always having someone who needs a hug or wants to sit and read a book. I think my 4 get more individual attention than some people give their 2 kids. The bottom line is that "something" is always missing from our lives. It is what encourages us to move on and make ourselves better as people. If you honestly feel that the something is that of pitter patter. GO FOR IT!!! My kids are awesome and so sweet. I wouldn't change anything about any of my kids. They cause me love, grief, joy, stress, and laughter. I love seeing them catch on to new ideas!!! I love it when they tell me all about some bug's lifestyle and I learn something. I have days where a night alone in a hotel would be the ultimate wish. I think all moms do. But I couldn't ever change things. This is what I was meant to have and what was really meant to be. Have you thought of foster care? My kids are great and I didn't spend a fortune for them. That sounds really bad, but anyone looking into adoption has to wonder just where that money goes and why it is so expensive. :confused: I'll shut my yapper now!!! :p

I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive parent; I can see why mixed-up's comment might put potential adoptive parents on the defensive or make them uncomfortable, but I cannot see why they would choose to ridicule, belittle, and dismiss her opinions and feelings rather than listen. Why are these adoptees not being listened to or acknowledged? They are doing the best they can to help today's adoptive parents and tomorrow's crop of adult adoptees avoid the traps, pitfalls and mistakes of the past. Perhaps we should at least make an effort to comprehend and benefit from their experience? :confused: ~ Sharon

I understand some of what you are saying to 'Mixed-up', but not being an Adoptee myself...I don't understand completely. Just a little reminder that not all adoptive parents have fertility issues. Some, like myself and my husband, have adopted simply to grow our family. We have two bio. children and have adopted one of our many foster children and may be adopting another foster child soon. We aren't trying to be 'heroes", nor are we attempting to "patch-up" anything or "fix" anything.......simply we love kids. With so many out there in the fostercare system, we decided we could grow our family by adding children who may otherwise linger in the system, rather than giving birth to more. Will there be issues later in life?...I'm sure there will be. Will I have all of the answers.?....I doubt it. My 15 yo bio. son has proven that! I just feel 'Mixed-up' was awfully harsh to a hopeful, waiting parent. The cliche..."there was something missing...." I don't believe was meant to be taken so literally. Just my little 2 cents. Respectfully, LynMaria :)