Advertisements
Recently I have been experiencing a flood of emotions regarding placing my newborn daughter for adoption nearly 10 years ago. The pain and heartache I'm feeling is similar to the 1st year after her adoption. The last few weeks I have been having dreams about her, and my husband says I've been yelling out in my sleep. I wake up very distressed, and haven't been able to think about much else. In my dreams, I see her as 3 years old, which is how old she was in the last picture I received from her aparents. I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. It is very unsettling.
Since I have been thinking about her so much lately, I guess I shouldn't be surprised about all the anger and guilt that has surfaced. I have a lot of anger towards my parents for sending me out of state while I was pregnant, insisting that I place for adoption, and forcing me to believe that I had no other choice. I am angry at my social worker for telling me everything I wanted to hear (which were all lies), just to get me to sign the papers, and then dropping me the day after I did. I'm angry that the agency didn't feel that post placement counseling was necessary. I am angry at myself for not realizing that at 20 years old, I was able to make my own decisions about my life, and that I could have parented my daughter myself.
I am now married and have 2 other children, and for years I have coped with the adoption pretty well, with the exception of her birthday-which is always tough. I'm not sure what to do with this resurfaced pain, anger, and depression. Should I seek professional help? I don't know, but I at least had to vent. Thanks for letting me get it out.
Like
Share
Thanks, that's been a good start. I've accepted that situation, although I don't like it, but I am responsible for it, I can't really put blame anyone else except the bfather for not supporting us. Somehow I do have to forgive myself and realise that if I could turn back the time I would do things differently - hindsight is a wonderful thing. I have a journal and it's good to hear from other bmums in the same situation.
Thanks again.
Advertisements
Advertisements
How sad, yet comforting to read the threads on this post. I am going through the same feelings of anger, the dreams and the emptiness...after 31 years it still comes and goes. That's the sad part for all of us. The comfort comes in knowing that these feelings are unique to just me. Like you, Tweety, I had no counselling. It was all good while they drove me to the lawyer's office, then it was "see ya...have a good life!" Even more troubling is the anger I feel at her aparents for their lies of how I would be informed of her progress. I have to figure out to weed the anger out, as you do...it is eating me like a cancer.
Good luck...may we all grow together...
Debra
I am so glad to see that so many others of you hae experienced the same thing that I am going through. It is now almost 9 years after I placed my baby girl for adoption, and I am just now seeking couseling -- I have my first appointment next week. I had no pre- or post- counseling, and somehow thought that I could deal with all the emotions myself.
My pregnancy was (and still is) hidden from the majority of my family -- only my parents and brother knew. After the baby was placed for adoption, it was never spoken of in my home again. I have spent the last 8+ years feeling guilty because I was not truly happy when friends and family excitedly told me that they were expecting. I married the man that I was with at the time she was born (he is not the father) almost 5 years ago, but we are in the middle of separating. I can't help but wonder whether or not I married him because he was "safe" and I knew he was willing to "stick around". You know, because there was actually someone that knew what I had done, and was still there. I truly believe that if I had gotten counseling earlier, I wouldn't be in this situation.
Tweetie, even though I have not yet been to counseling, I strongly encourage you to do so. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work for me...and hope and pray that it works for you!
I never thought it could possibly bethat my baby could be taken away from meI had dreams and hopes like any motherand now my baby,he lives with another.I never thought I could possibly feel,the depths of pain,like life isnt reala living nightmare,no sight to endI feel so alone,jesus be my friend.they say one day we will uniteand every thing will be alrightbut with every day that slowly goes byI feel the painI wonder why.I pray To God ,in heavens aboveto take care of my baby,I so very loveto hug him and remind him,I am in his heartand though he is far,we are not torn apart.a mothers love can always remainbeyond the tears,the hurt ,the painno one can erase it,pretend its not thereand no one can convince her she didnt care.please God heal our tender heart,for the ache inside ,it tears me apartamandaxxxxxxxxx [url="http://www.indogo.karoo.net/joshua.htm"]www.indogo.karoo.net/joshua.htm[/url]
Advertisements
I do my best to push them back. Though the adoption was 15 years ago. It was a few years ago that I started to feel this stress comming, depression, anger, guilt, a knife in the heart feeling... I began to look through letters and papers from the adoption and the more I read the more angry I got. It was all a blur, I was high on narcotics when I signed the papers, I tried to get her back, I got a letter from the amom threatening me that if I went through with the proceedings I would lose, and I would never see my bdaughter again. A letter from the attorney saying I called, silent and sobbing but didn't want to go through with the process to get her back. Also that I agreed to sign the papers saying I wouldn't go through with it but that I never did. The more I read the more I am angry. I don't sleep much at night anymore. (Or during the day for that matter) and I am nearly always on the verge of tears. So I push it all back in to get through the day/week and make the best life I can make for my children and husband and self now. Every once in a while I will write everything and anything I can remember and save it and never read it again for a long time. It seems to help, but I know it's a long process. to this day I fight the feeling of driving to my bdaughters house and picking her up. I wish so much I could just do that.**lol the narcotics were from the c-section!*
I know how you feel,this is a grief you have to come THROUGH not OVER,I dont sleep much at all ,I miss him so very much,I have good and bad days.though I feel the more I do help others in my situation,the closer I feel to my son,who I feel was stolen away from me.The anger somedays can be overwhelming for sure ,then other days I feel at peace.It is better to feel something than to be numbed and frozen oiver inside and feel nothing as hard as it feels.mandersxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
confusedbmom
It was all a blur, I was high on narcotics when I signed the papers, I tried to get her back, I got a letter from the amom threatening me that if I went through with the proceedings I would lose, and I would never see my bdaughter again. A letter from the attorney saying I called, silent and sobbing but didn't want to go through with the process to get her back. Also that I agreed to sign the papers saying I wouldn't go through with it but that I never did.
Advertisements
Yeah when I re-read the post I realized that too. about the narcotics. I've never actually tried drugs that weren't from the dr. so it made me laugh that I wrote it that way.You know, I do feel cheated. But it's really not about me being cheated out of a daughter, it's about my daughter being cheated out of her natural family because this Amom was unable to have her own children. It's a whole lot to deal with and there aren't many avenues I have right now. My husband doesn't understand and just thinks it's something I am going through and will pass. I mean I tried talking to him, and he got angry at the Afamily, which wasn't what I was looking for... more support than anything from him...I have 5 children of my own that I am raising so it keeps me so busy all day long, I am really good at fighting tears and expressions, making things run smooth in spite of my mood. Although there are times when I don't even want to get out of bed... I just do it anyway and take care of my other children. Anyway thanks for responding. I appreciate it alot. Most people don't even understand what it's like to be in this position, well, unless they are a natural mother as well.
confusedbmom
You know, I do feel cheated. But it's really not about me being cheated out of a daughter, it's about my daughter being cheated out of her natural family because this Amom was unable to have her own children. It's a whole lot to deal with and there aren't many avenues I have right now. My husband doesn't understand and just thinks it's something I am going through and will pass. I mean I tried talking to him, and he got angry at the Afamily, which wasn't what I was looking for... more support than anything from him...