Reunions Full of Rejection, Doubt, Difficult Emotions

Hi I have been reunited with my bfamily for over 3 years. My bmom passed away before I could meet her. I had searched 14 years ago and found her through an agency but she could not have any contact with me then. I felt so rejected. It took me a long time to come to terms with it. Now that I have been reunited with my bsiblings I have found out why she could not have contact with me. My husband had said all along that there was more to the story than her just not wanting me. And he was right. I know it is difficult to see through our bmom's not wanting contact but there is always more to the story than we can know. It isn't us they are rejecting and I think to know that helps so much.

I agree so much. As a birth mom I do not believe that any of us could willingly reject our child. Many of us were forced to relinquish our child and were forced to keep it buried for the sake of "everyone" involved.

I am a birth mother, who a year ago, reunited with my 31 year old son. We have been together twice but it is going very slow. The relief I felt at finally meeting him was overwhelming. I was forced to give him up and it devistated my life. My son was very anxious to meet his birth father so I contacted him to try to set up a reunion. I wasn't too optamistic that he would agree since he insisted I get an abortion. We dated for 3 years in High School and were expected by our friends to marry. When I refused to abort my child, the bfather announced the child was not his and just walked out of my life with the assistance of his parents. I found the bfather and sent several letters and emails to which he did not respond. Finally, I guess he realized I was not going away without an answer--His was response was so hurtful and nasty--He was happy I found MY son, I was invading his privacy and he would not respond to any further contact. I got my answer from him and put myself through incredible emotional tramma--Our son was very disappointed but just let it go at that. I am the one who is having more of a problem with his bfather's rejection--I feel like I failed my child again and still am not able to reach closure because of the intense anger I feel tward the bfather. I have suffered with this for 32 years and it is just as painful now as it was then. I don't know what it is going to take to ever reach some level of peace. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel and never have to take responsibility for their actions. These unresolved issues are making it difficult for me to experience joy when I am with my son. I feel that if I can not get past this and soon, I will drive my BSon away.

AGriffith wrote..I feel like I failed my child again and still am not able to reach closure because of the intense anger I feel tward the bfather. I noticed that I ended up centering on the people who were in my life when I relinquished.. Blaming and resentments every which way I turned.. I swear this is part of the grief work.. And I swear this anger happens to more than one birthmom when she reunites and sees the son or daughter all grown up.. I know I had intense anger.. But you can't be responsible for him.. That's crazy making.. That's trying to control something that is beyond your control.. Welcome to the forums.. Jackie

Dear "A", I have a story that closely mirrors yours, one year ago, I was united with my wonderful son (age 36 at that time). Of course, I wanted to help him to meet his b'father. I contacted him through a mutual friend & was astounded to find out that he wanted nothing to do with OUR son! He had never told his wife or sons. I was so upset that he didn't want to share to Joy of knowing this wonderful man that I was obsessing about it. My therapist helped me to see that the b'father's way of dealing with this was none of my business. I can now treat my relationship with MY son as a precious gift to me! It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels or says.....I'm happy with this relationship , in fact ,I'm delighted!

For all of you who have learned and became healthy from the reunion. I thank you. It helped me see that I'm not crazy for at first not wanting the bfather to meet my son. I was so very angry until I got some help and realized that the bfather is a hurting unit, and luck me I wasn't in love with him. He did see his son, but because my son wasn't a perfect person, another hurting unit reacting to being rejected by his original parents, his father now had a very adverse attitude about Your Son, as he now calls him. I was very ill, emotionally when I gave my son up. I've since learned that adoption is not the answer. I don't want to hurt people who want to adopt, but I do wish we could find a way to help mothers who think there is no place for them and their child as a package. That's how I felt, that there was no place for me and my child in the world. No money, no home, no support. And the big NO, no father to help me bring him up. So I gave him up so that an agency could find a loving home for him, instead he was brought up in a family where the father indulged his every whim, and his mother was bipolar. I can not undo that, I can only go on and be as happy as I can possibly be under the circumstances.

I have begun to recognize that the orgin of all this pent up anger is from a feeling of being out of control--having no control. I feel this is a big step forward for me. This has always been an issue for me growing up in an abusive family enviroment. I have made a conscience decision to express my buried feelings. I am admitting them to myself and to the people in my life--telling family and friends about my bson and about myself. I am finally giving myself permission to be me, baggage and all. It is terrifing telling people about this part of my life, but, the reaction I get is nothing but supportive and positive. I actually think people respect me more after knowing my secret. It will take me some time to work out the issues I have with the bfather, but, I am finally meeting these feelings head on now. Having the opportunity to express myself on this form to people who understand is a relief in itself.

AGriffith wrote..I have begun to recognize that the orgin of all this pent up anger is from a feeling of being out of control--having no control. Melody Beattie wrote some amazing stuff about this.. One line she wrote about control was "I wish I could control timing." What if we had controlled the timing of our life so we could have kept our kids.. I am finally giving myself permission to be me, baggage and all. That is such an amazing thing.. Risking so much.. I remember when I told my mom that my daughter was going to get a tatoo.. Mom said.. "Ohhhh no not that.. Tell her you will not love her if she does that!" "Tell her we will not be able to look at her." In other words say anything to stop her from being who she is.. My daughter is part of this modern world.. She is part of her tribe and her tribe gets tatoo's.. Its who she is.. Being who someone else wants us to be leads to this business of doing something that is against our nature..IMO I used to wonder why my mom let my baby go.. She raised my sister and myself so why in the heck did she let my son go? But I am not she and she is not me.. The problem was I let her decide who I was.. Or who I was supposed to be.. ie.. the single girl looking for a husband.. It is terrifing telling people about this part of my life, but, the reaction I get is nothing but supportive and positive. I actually think people respect me more after knowing my secret. The only way out is through.. Doing the work of the tough stuff (exposing ones deepest darkest) leads to the clear mind.. I believe that with all my heart. How can we learn something when we have no one to talk with? Question with...No one to react to what we have said.. I once wrote a letter to my son.. I was in therapy and the therapist asked me to read it to her.. I told her I could not.. But then I decided I should.. I read the letter and I looked up and she was crying.. She saw my pain.. I know I healed a lot that moment.. Jackie

Thanks Jackie--your generous communication is a gift and a great comfort. Love A

Veronica: I don't know how long your Bson has left you, but, I found my bson when he was 21, he is now 35. He left for 6 years, came back for a few months then left again for nearly 2 years. I am very happy to report that he has been totally in my life for the last 2 years, don't give up. It takes time, and this time my son always calls me, visits me and next week I am having my grandson for a few days without them.............things are going great and he isn't going anywhere this time, so hang in there as difficult as it is......................creed

Jackie, I too read Melody Beattie's books. As a result I am a member of a group that helps me talk without getting advice. I've written my own book called 'Growing Up Unwanted'. It is ready for publishing. In it I talk about the reasons why I grew up not knowing that children are important. My mom said when I told her I found my son, 'Don't tell anyone.' As a result she never saw my beautiful son. I just couldn't let her meet him because she wanted him to be kept a secret. An as the book says, secrets kill. My sister said just recently to me, our family don't talk about our stuff. You're the only one, but we love you still.' I'm healthy and joyfull these days. I know I did the best I could when I gave up my son. Love to you all. Veronica

"A" said..."It is terrifing telling people about this part of my life, but, the reaction I get is nothing but supportive and positive. I actually think people respect me more after knowing my secret. " This is true for me as well. I am so elated with the finding of my son that I now tell everyone. And, Lo & Behold, I have received only love & support & stories! I doubt that there is anyone out there that isn't touched by adoption in some way. I heard another amazing story just tonight. Finding yourself when all this secretive weight is lifted off is a wonderful discovery. I feel stronger every day. Glad you found the forums, we do understand what you're going through.

Veronica2 wrote..As a result I am a member of a group that helps me talk without getting advice. I did a lot of (inside) work with a group.. Someone would share something that triggered me and I would share a memory.. I am so darn grateful that no one told me what to do.. I was able to go home and feel my emotions and process them.. I do my best to not advise here.. I know sometimes I end up doing that but what I really want to do is share what I know.. Share how I dealt with the situation and then folks can decide whether what I have typed is relevant to their situation.. I once was a sponsor in Alanon.. My friend shared some awful things about her husband.. I said.. You should leave him.Ӕ Not good.. I was being triggered by my childhood.. I was giving her my solution.. We got to sort this stuff ourselves. :) I've written my own book called 'Growing Up Unwanted'. It is ready for publishing. In it I talk about the reasons why I grew up not knowing that children are important. What an amazing thing to do.. Writing it must have given you great insight.. I also grew up thinking children were not important.. I have a memory of mom running away from me in high heels.. (she was going to work at the ration office.. it was in the forties) I can remember the other kids laughing.. I hope your book gets published.. Writing for me is as healing as it gets.. I did The Artist Way.. by Julia Cameron.. I got used to journaling in the morning.. Then I started The Vein of Gold.. (never finished must start up again) In the Vein of Gold .. Julia Cameron has a person write down their life story.. In five year increments.. Just the facts.. (I did that) .. then she has a person mineђ for gold.. She has a person take a memory that triggers and write about it at length.. I had a hard time doing that but I worked at it.. I swear that this is the work to healing.. Writing a book or journaling and discussing and heck arguing about it.. Standing behind a belief.. My mom said when I told her I found my son, 'Don't tell anyone.' As a result she never saw my beautiful son. Amazing.. Amazing how I totally understand that.. Amazing that a woman would not want to see her kin.. My mom died before I found my son.. Mom was an artist and she did some amazing work.. She did an etching when she was in art school.. Its a very good piece of work.. I sent it to the bson..I sent it for the first birthday.. Our first birthday.. When I visited the wife told me she loved the etching.. So mom is there.. Mom in her secrecy is there.. I know she loved him.. I think my mom was terribly torn about all of it.. My dad is a different story.. I was able to take my first born son to meet my dad in the nursing home.. They sat and visited.. Dad who never spoke of him.. Never introduced the subject.. lyndalou wrote.. Finding yourself when all this secretive weight is lifted off is a wonderful discovery. Boy you can say that again.. All that time obsessing on what happened a long time ago.. Now I get to do me.. I don't have to worry about my 'kids' any more.. This part of my life is mine.... :) Love ya Jackie

.. Amazing that a woman would not want to see her kin.. This was one of the most difficult things for me to accept about my bson's father's family--being rejected by the bfather's mother. I sent several letters to my bson's grandmother and never received a reply. I was able to locate her phone number on the Internet and got up the courage to call her one Saturday afternoon. She is 78 years old now and I was worried about how she would react to hearing from me after 30 years. We got along very well and I felt she cared about me--so I called. She answered the phone in her best southern bell form, so sweet and welcoming. When I told her that it was me, she became completely silent for a second and just totally changed her tone. In a tearful and anxious voice she quickly said, "Oh A, I'm just too old and tired to deal with this...I'm sorry." and hung up the phone. I was so shocked and angry, I immediately called back, but she had taken the phone off the hook. Shorty after the phone call, I finally recieved my long awaited reply from the bfather. He told me he had no interest in MY son, did not appreciate me invading his and his families' privacy and threatening me if I bothered his mother about this again. I have relived this awful chain of events over and over and feel that sometimes mothers are forced to be loyal and respect the decisions their children make for their lives no matter how they feel themselves. It is difficult and painful for all concerned--I think we are not the only ones that feel guilty. For some, not dealing is how they choose to deal--that is their choise. I am finally at the place where I accept what I can not understand and rejoice in the blessing of finally having my son back in my life. How lucky I am.

AGriffith wrote..I am finally at the place where I accept what I can not understand and rejoice in the blessing of finally having my son back in my life. I went to Vancouver/Seattle to meet my son and his family.. I was terrified and I kept seeing things going wrong.. I worked very hard to just stay in the moment.. I remembered my special moments.. I took pictures as well.. I guess my glass is half full not half empty.. Jackie