Betrayed

March 12, 1999

Originally Posted By CAROL BIRD, Birthfamily Support Forum

How long has it been since your birthchild was adopted?

Sometimes a new adoptive family need time to bond with their

new child. A baby requires a lot of care, time and patience during its first year of life and parents, whether adoptive or birth, are pretty consumed with this new member of the family.

Also, in some Open Adoptions the contact during the first few years is limited to the child's birthday update. Often a letter and photos will be sent to the birthmother on the child's birthday each year.

There is nothing to prevent you from sending cards and writing to your child, asking the aparents to save the letters until he or she is grown up.

Whether Open or Closed, we made a choice to give up our child because we were unable to provide the care and the life that we wanted for our child. WE DID NOT LOAN OUR BABY TO THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS ... we RELINQUISHED our child because we were thinking of his/her best interests and future.

I think Open adoptions are wonderful! I would have given anything to have had even the slightest link to my daughter during the 32 years we were separated. I would have given anything just to KNOW the people who became her parents, and to know for certain that she was loved and well cared for.

I know NOW that all I had prayed for was reality. I know about the love for ME they encouraged in my daughter over the years, and am grateful for it.I know how dearly they love her, and how much her entire family of siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, et al, care about her. I am so grateful to them for all they have done. But it took 32 years before I had confirmed all this. You already KNOW.

Be thankful that you have met them and know them to be kind and loving people. Give them time. One of the biggest fears adoptive parents have during the early years is that of having the birth parents take away the baby they have grown to love so deeply. Sometimes this insecurity makes them shy away from becoming close to the birthparents. They don't mean to be cruel.

We hope that one day we will have a special forum for Adoptive Parents, to help them over those fears and to ease them into a better relationship and eventual reunion with their grown up child.

But, that's in the future: a week, a month, maybe even a year away. Right now my concern is YOU. It is time for you to begin rebuilding your life so that when you and your child are together, he/she will be proud of you.

Talk to the people who arranged the adoption, and ask them to pass on information about the child to you. It will all work out. Just have patience and understanding.

Please keep in contact with me through this Forum.

With Hugs and concern,

Carol Bird, Birthfamily Support Forum